- Share This Post
- Pin It
- 8
-
Sparkle (0)
It's not a new question but now comes with added digital considerations. When a couple breaks up or BFFs have a falling out or a family member becomes estranged from a relative do you stay friends with one or both of the people involved?
Recently a dear friend whom I had lost touch with for a few years found me on Facebook. She and her husband are my relationship idols. If I were ever to get married theirs was the guide for the relationship I would want to have. Or rather at least the outward appearance of their relationship appealed because certainly I could never know their truth.
I met her 20 years ago and immediately adored her and we became friends. I later became friends with her husband as well and could spend quality time with either of them individually or as a couple. When she friended me I saw his name on her wall I noticed that they had different cities listed on their accounts and I thought maybe he just hadn't updated his account. I immediately sent him a friend request. A message from her later brought the sad news that they had split up but were maintaining a good relationship. I take writing on each other's wall in this day and age as a positive sign of that.
And I hope it continues, selfishly for my sake. I would never want to have to choose between them and I would never want there to be a reason why I would have to choose. I love them each enough that I wish happiness for them both even if that is apart from each other.
There are situations where we do choose, however. And it can get complicated. If the relationship impasse is between friends you might want to play peacemaker in hopes of keeping the gang together. You're likely to remain friends with person in a couple you met and befriended first, especially if you perceive their partner as having wronged your friend. But what if you are part of a couple who befriended another couple? Or if it's part of a circle of friends who break things off? Or a relative gets a divorce from a partner you've come to love as family - how do you maintain your relationship with your relative and and stay friends with the ex when they are no longer speaking and the ex isn't welcome at family gatherings?
It is much easier if you can judge one as being at fault. He cheated, she was abusive and so on... Then it feels righteous. If you are emotionally closer to one likely you'll hear their side of the story and it can bind you to a shared perspective. If you can clearly choose then perhaps you can help be a sounding board without encouraging prolonging hurt and disappointment. But often it is difficult and painful. At other times, though, it is a welcome relief. Especially if you can exhale because you recognize that a continued relationship in the same form isn't right for either person. Even if you only maintain a relationship with one person you can say farewell, grieve the loss of the other and move on.
And that's what I'm doing with my friends. I'm mourning my idealized conception of their relationship, wishing them both the best as they move forward in their new lives and glad that Facebook is helping me stay connected with them both.
Related Reading:
David Sarasohn in The New York Times: A Joint Account That Underwrites Our Marriage
Anyone with an anniversary in the precious-metal range knows what it’s like to support friends whose marriages have fallen apart. That newly disconnected friend sleeping on your couch who came to dinner with a tight smile and a greater interest in red wine is like a walking cautionary tale, the image pressed permanently into any marriage’s mental photo album.
And making all those changes in your address book affects your own marriage. When a close friend left his wife for someone much younger, my wife intensified her exercise regimen. Watching other couples break up also reminds me that divorce causes friends to choose between the two parties, and I would not like my chances.
DivineCaroline at The Frisky: Friend Custody: Who Gets Whom After A Breakup?
Honestly, I think it’s rare to remain equally close to both parties. Things just aren’t going to be the same as before, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t possible to keep both friendships going. In my experience, there’s
