I'm Free: There's Nothing Left to Lose
By DigAng on March 04, 2011
Lately I’ve had lots of people tell me how much they appreciate my vulnerability, my rawness, my way of putting it all out there. Some tell me that they couldn’t do the same. So I’ve been asking myself, how could I be so vulnerable, now? Why have I not been so vulnerable before now?
Of course I say that tongue-in-cheek. I still have my family, shelter, a car, my dog.
I’m kind of over talking about all the things I’ve lost. It’s getting boring and old. So if you don’t know, just know that I lost my business and the income to go with it, my house(s), cars, and lots of things that are usually found inside a house. I went from living in my 4,000-square-foot home, to living out of a bedroom in my parents' house.
Yeah, it’s awesome. (Again, tongue-in-cheek, I’m very grateful.)
Out of my enormous losses, I have found treasures far more valuable.
Prior to my losses I lived only half truthfully. I kept hidden the parts of me that I didn’t think would fit in. Whether with my family, my church, my neighbors, the boogyman.
Because I wanted to be liked. Was I liked by all of my family members, church members, neighbors, and the boogyman?
You know the old saying, you can’t please everyone? I tried to please everyone, anyway (come on, don’t we all?). As if I knew what would really please, and as if they really cared.
NOW, I’m in the practice of "being," with nothing to prove and without placing my value in results.
My value is in being.
And if I am being an imposter, or only a shadow of me, then the value that anyone places in me is erroneous, invalid and an applaud that is not mine. And maybe that is why life can feel so lonely sometimes ... when we’re only second-handers.
It’s lonely to be unknown, don’t you think?
I’m sure you’ve heard this one:
“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for something you are not.“~Andre Gide
I’m sure my being so open about my life makes some people very uncomfortable. Or it embarrasses them. I have no judgment about that. I acknowledge it. I get it.
What I know is that I can breathe easier than ever before. Since I’m no longer resisting, there isn’t anything pushing against me anymore. My creativity is flowing and finding a groove to rest in. This shift makes me feel genuinely happy. I feel free, without a cage around me. I’m not so exhausted second-guessing myself.
I’m NOT second-guessing myself.
I’m just being.
And my being is the only way to truly reach others, to connect, to relate, to empathize.
“We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves.”~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld
“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”~e.e. cummings
“Every time you don’t follow your inner guidance, you feel a loss of energy, loss of power, a sense of spiritual deadness.” ~Shakti Gawain
I know why the caged bird sings ... because her heart is still free. I could technically be considered caged with my present circumstances, but I’m freer than I’ve ever been.
Blogging regularly: Angela DiGiovanni | Living Out Loud
My online series of the story I lived and the memoir I'm writing: The Virgin Wife Chronicles
Own Your Beauty is a groundbreaking, year-long movement bringing women together to change the conversation about what beauty means. Our mission: to encourage and remind grown women that it is never too late to learn to love one's self and influence the lives of those around us - our mothers, friends, children, neighbors. We can shift our minds and hearts and change the path we follow in the pursuit of authentic beauty.
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