when you want to quit

I've had one of those kind of weeks. The roller coaster kind where I think my highs will last longer than they actually do.


Instead, I end up plummeting down the otherside of the hill as fast as I go up.


Maybe I'm delusional.


Some call it organic church. Whatever it is, it is painful and it is real. Lord knows the dying and growing that keeps happening feels little like trauma.


And "dying" isn't said with pride like I've arrived, because honestly, I am a little whiny about the whole thing.


When I was younger, I had a fear of dying in a horrific car accident. For many years that fear tormented me. It even controlled what color car I would buy and who I would allow to drive. I had nightmares and visions of me going off a cliff into a sea of pain and death.


Yet, there came a day I fully trusted God enough to sit in the passenger seat and give Him the wheel like Carrie Underwood sings.


I still don't know if I'm trying to drive my Christian life the way I think it should go. Which primarily means, safe, at least my definition of it.


Doesn't safe protect us? From what?


I don't want to be safe from Jesus. I want to be reckless with my life in His hands. And that means, dying....


Or whining.


I had a conversation with a friend this week and we talked about perseverance in the good, the bad, and the ugliness of eachother.  The ugliness in others makes us want to confront. The ugliness in ourselves makes us want to run.


Sometimes it's just the opinion of someone one (who seems against me) that makes me feel disgusted enough (with myself) to turn tail and run.


We moved every year growing up, so running became easier than staying. Not that staying is always the best choice, but there are times for it.


This is one of those times.


This morning I get an email with this link in it. 


Even in writing about staying, my fear is that I'll run. And especially run for all the wrong reasons.


So I stay.


We stay and continue to be sanctified by the process. Watching the dross rise to the top isn't pleasant because we know heat is involved.


But this is the refining process. One we never graduate from in this life.


"The serious Christian, set down for the first time in a Christian community, is likely to bring with him a very definite idea of what Christian life together should be and to try to realize it. But God’s grace speedily shatters such dreams. Just as surely as God desires to lead us to a knowledge of genuine Christian fellowship, so surely must we be overwhelmed by great disillusionment with others, with Christians in general, and, if we are fortunate, with ourselves." Dietrich Bonhoeffer


So I walk through the fire, pass under the Red Sea, circle the desert, and accept the cross. These are only temporary 'though they feel like a lifetime.


As much as I want to quit, I press in for life, in all the ways that matter most.





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