When Your Family Turns On You

As a child I used to wish for a different family. I wanted to belong to anyone but the one I had. I was verbally and psychologically abused and bullied by a mother, uncle and various other relatives for having poor motor skills. That turned out to be Aspergers, a diagnosis that did not come out until I was 34. 

Requests to get me occupational therapy were ignored, screaming appeared to be more effective. If I wasn't being screamed at for falling, it was for being heavy. Being thin was going to be the panacea to solve all of my problems. It took me a long time to realize food was my drug of choice instead of alcohol or any illegal drug because for a few minutes I didn't hear the constant noise. The constant criticism of being not thin enough, not coordinated enough, not good enough, and if you don't feel validated or valued or wanted in your own home, it is next to impossible to feel safe anywhere else.

Some people never should have been a parent. My mother is one of those people. She probably tops the list if one exists. No one can argue she did everything and beyond for me financially. It's every other need on Maslow's hierarchy that I had to seek elsewhere. If it were not for my late father, I would have committed suicide years ago. I loved him that much to stay and had no love for her to be here. I cannot count the number of times I have heard, my mother cannot handle illness. Well, that is too bad since I live with a few of them. It is exasperating to hear that I live at doctors and love doctors. Under doctors orders, I'm under a 20 pill a day legal habit. Doing what the doctor says is my responsibility. 

I would love to know a world without anxiety. What is world where you see things in the best light and not panic, have your heart race, and need to run out of the room? What is a world where my heart doesn't stop in the middle of the night because I've had a seizure and the dog had to jump on me to wake me up. An animal has more love for me than family because he loves me for who I am not who he thinks I am supposed to be.

She blindly supports an absusive uncle who has stolen my medical records, opened my mail, and had my credit checked all without my consent.  I have had my share of outbursts due to the above, but they feel they are helping me. They think I'm not competent. My mother's allegiance and love for her brother is so incongruent to what should be love for her kids, it is disturbing.

Maybe I should feel gratified that people have told me my mother is nothing like my grandparents. Friends have told me my grandfather would be appalled at who she is and my uncle is, and that is without knowing any of the above. Funny thing is, I'm not gratified. I agree, Nano would be mortified. He'd feel sick.






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