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Holy Excrement, Batman! Where did my paycheck disappear to?! I swear it was in the bank just yesterday and now it’s gone! WTF?
If this sounds familiar, welcome to my reality. I never used to
watch what I did with my money. Somehow, I magically assumed there was
enough and it would keep reproducing at need. I have made a decent
living since my early twenties (and no I am not going to say how long
ago that may have been.) I have rarely had to worry if there was going
to be enough money to pay the rent, unless, of course, I failed to
watch my spending. Then again, if I got in trouble, I just robbed poor
Peter, to pay that wretched Paul, and increased my debt load hoping
that would magically disappear as well. I failed to take into account
my lack of training in wizardry or witchcraft. I am certain I would
never have been accepted at Hogwarts.
During one of the more responsible periods of my life, well… maybe
not responsible so much as carefully supervised, I used Quicken to
track my household finances. I produced reports each month within the
program to account for expenditures and keep the bills up to date. Did
I mention this was under supervision? On my own, I have been far less
likely to pay close attention to my spending or credit card balances. I
have to admit, though that financial software, correctly used, is more
reliable than spell casting, at least that’s my experience so far.
So last year, when my financial life went South, along with a bunch
of other folks with the advent of the global recession, I was forced to
take a long hard look at my habits. You can imagine what depressing
exercise that turned out to be.
One thing I want to make clear is that I can’t classify myself as a
“victim” of the recession. I fit better in the group known as “gamblers
and spendthrifts who got caught.” I was over invested and underfunded
in real estate. I failed to save for that rainy day. I used credit like
an crack addict and supported (not really) a life style well above my
means. The only reason I got away with it for so long was our healthy
economy, and corrupt lenders. When the crash came, I was standing in
front of the bus and I deservedly got creamed by it.
So in picking myself up and trying to suture critical pocketbook
injuries, I have been forced to examine, analyze and rebuild my life in
a new model, hopefully one that both works in the present, yet can
weather storms in the future. And like the alcoholic or crack addict, I
will always, no matter how well I respond to treatment, have to
remember that those habits will come right back if I let my guard down
or become complacent about them.
Part of the healing process required taking a look at the path I
burned getting to the bottom of the drain. Examining how much of my
earnings I tossed away on meaningless nonsense drove me to recognize
that I was the living embodiment of what is described in step one of
the twelve step programs available to help treat addictions of all
kinds. As in: I had to admit that my life as it stood had become
unmanageable.
I found other helpful sentiments in the twelve step creeds. I can’t
seem to work the steps in order and have had to skip over a few. This
may be due to another trendy problem like attention deficit disorder or
something, but here are a few more plagiarisms from AA that I found
helpful:
- Step four: Take a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.
- Step five: Admit to yourself, another human being and your personal deity the exact nature of your wrongs.
- Step eight: Make a list of all you have harmed and be willing to make amends to them.
- Step Nine: Make direct amends to people unless doing so would harm them or others.
- Step ten: Continue to take personal inventory and promptly admit when we are wrong.
I am not an alcoholic and have never participated in a twelve step
program, but I have some heroic friends who have changed their lives
this way and it seems foolish to think we can’t all learn something
from their example.
I have a friend who lives a quality life on 30 to 40k a year. I will
tell her story in another post, but the point here is she would think
my earnings represented a fortune and I am ashamed to admit I have
nothing to show for the blessings I have been given but a large debt
that I will be spending the next few years paying off.
Having come through the fire of disaster, recognition,
