Where's My Happily Ever After?

"I grieve for the man I fell in love with, who never truly existed." I think so many of us are guilty of this. We're sold a dream guy --- a prince charming who will "save" us & fix everything, take care of us, make us feel special --- but that man is a lie. If we are even slightly emotionally damaged (as you were, as I was), it takes us too long to realize the truth of the matter: We have to save ourselves. No one is responsible for taking care of us. We shouldn't need anyone else to feel special. We are taught as young girls to love this beautiful man; parents should be teaching us to instead love OURSELVES. Because at the end of the day, if you can't love yourself, you don't have anything to offer your partner, either. We have to stop SEARCHING for love, because it's right there inside of us. Turn on the light, let it shine, & you will attract much better applicants to the position of MATE.

I can relate. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I married simply by a fluke. I was 19 when it happened and 28 when I got divorced. Now I'm 51 and have yet to find a true Mr. Right, and there doesn't seem to be one on the horizon either. It hurts sometimes but I discovered that the one thing no one wants to hear is a middle aged woman complaining about not having a fellow. You have to put on the brave happy face and "pretend" you are single and lovin' it and all that crap. I've had people tell me 'you don't really need to get married' or 'you don't need a man'...while they go home to a significant other. What an insult! It's like somehow they seem to think I'm not worthy of being happy in a marriage. Oh, well...nothing to be done about it, I guess...

I love this post. And I do think you have to value yourself (even if you can't get all the way to being in love with yourself) in order to find a good partner who also values him or herself. If both people respect themselves and each other, it's so much easier to weather the storms. 

I have been married and divorced and now remarried. I had a son with my former husband and we split when our son was only two. It was such a difficult time. I was so lonely and hurt, and betrayed. But, it's true that time does heal wounds. That's not to say that I didn't have a lot of work to do on myself during that time. I did the work. I found joy in living a solo life with my son. And when I found myself drawn to men who were destined to treat me in a way which though familiar, was not loving or intimate, I decided to stop dating altogether. I did more work on myself. Eventually, I got to a place of peace and contentment with the life I was making for me and my son. When I stopped looking for love, love found me. I think that because I stopped searching for someone to make me less lonely, I found the best companion--myself. And when I was comfortable with me, love found me. Good luck and stay open, and at peace with yourself. 

"A happily ever after only requires you to live successfully as you define success and ultimately for you to love yourself." My favorite line. So much of what you wrote hit home. Although never married, I was in a relationship for too many years that resulted in me not loving MYSELF. I left. I learned to define my OWN success and happiness and live independently. It was only then that I found the man I AM going to marry!

Such a thoughtful post and comments. I hope you find what you are looking for, whatever that turns out to be.

I admire you for taking the chance of dating again-- if I ever lost my husband, I am not sure I could face those difficulties, those ups/downs. It takes courage, and you have it!

Thank you for writing this piece. Love comes from connection, and connection takes time: whether it's you with a mate, or you with yourself. Keep working on the latter, and then you'll be able to do the former with greater ease -- at least, that's what I'm hoping for, for myself. 

"Maybe a happily ever after only requires you to love yourself." Best line. Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable in this space. blogher 

I was married for 11 years. I have my son out of the marriage and am on civil terms with my ex husband.

I had a string of mostly emotionally abusive boyfriends.

I decided a dozen years ago that I'm never so miserable as I am when in a relationship, and I just don't do it any more.

Ah yes, everything here resonated with me. I've been married once, and now am single again. In my 40s, looking for another man to love, and doing on-line dating as I rarely meet men in other aspects of my life. 

I did have it all, after waiting a long, long time for my husband and knowing this was the man I would grow old with, he was someone I loved and admired. Then he got cancer. 

So, the men who are single on-line appear to want someone 15 years younger than themselves, appear to treat it as a lolly shop: I can have that one, and that one, and that one too. And the men I meet socially are just not the right fit, many of them have yet to grow up, and despite being lonely I won't settle for someone who is just not right for me. 

Like you I enjoy aspects of being single, I miss having a confidant - despite numerous lovely, supportive girlfriends, but still I am searching. It really does make you question whether men and women are meant to be together, we seem to evolve at such different rates. 

I read your blog and thought you and I were soul mates.  Lol.  My husband number three wants a divorce.  He is verbally abusive and controlling.  I thought he was my knight.  After the real P,,,r emerged I realized I married my father's twin.  After seeing the hell my mother went through, I am there now.  I have learned so much about my flaws and my attributes.  I know me.  He doesn't know himself at 53.  I am in colleges and I am still in some sort of morning for my loss.  Then I wonder loss of what other than myself and what I put my two sons through.  

There's certainly nothing wrong with you for wanting that "happily ever after" - it's kind of a universal human longing, isn't it?  You seem to be pretty self-aware - that's the most important thing to concentrate on....the better you know yourself, & grow in your personal self-esteem as a woman of value & strength - the more substance your relationships (all kinds) will have. I myself have remained single, keeping relationships at a distance, because of unresolved early childhood issues, as well.  Often, our subconscious minds are acting on very early "programming" that we are not even aware of, & that rules our behaviour, consistently directing us towards paths that do not work in our adult lives, over & over again...finding those "weeds" in our minds, & pulling them out by the roots, is often a lifelong challenge!

You are so right about finding joy within yourself. To me it's not about being happy. It's about peace and contentment in all things. And being a long-legged, impossibly beautiful model isn't the answer either. Those who have won the genetic looks lottery end up in abusive relationships too. Happiness never can be found in a person -- but within truly treasuring yourself.

It's great that you recognize your past mistakes when it comes to men.  I know some women who haven't spotted their own patterns and keep gravitating towards the wrong men.  It's better to be alone and happy than with someone else and miserable.  Thank you for writing this.

This is a fabulous post.  You are spot on!  You are a "bad ass"!  I have no doubt you will definitely get your "happily ever after"!

I enjoyed reading your article.  I am so glad to read you realize that there is nothing wrong with you.  Some people take it like it their fault.  I could have written this at points in my life.  When I was widowed at 40, I remember feeling LONELY.  Trying to date again was extremely hard and had mixed outcomes.  Not sure I believe in Happily Ever After now that I know how life can change on a dime..I just live by Happy today...

All I can say is I understand.