In which i have the best birds and bees speech ever

Do you like the song “Creep” by Radiohead?  I love it and play it on repeat constantly.  I’m actually considering making it one of my “Top 3 songs that I would listen to on a desert island."  I haven’t decided yet.  You don’t have to answer.  I was just wondering and truly, it has nothing to do with the post today.  It’s just that I was listening to it on the way home from spinning and I was curious…

 

So, as I was pondering what direction to go in for my writing today, I realized that there are a few stories that are “over the top” and should definitely be written down in the Annals of MacDonald folklore.  This is one such story that my family refers to as “Tucker and the Turkey” or as you will come to know it “The Best Birds and Bees Conversation EVAH!!!”

 

Let me begin with a little background.  First of all Andie, my second child, is possibly the most tenacious, stubborn human being in the world.  Well, actually Keely is right up there too but for story-telling purposes let’s just say that Andie is that person.  When she was younger, like all my kids, she had bad ear infections.  So bad in fact, that our ENT dubbed her his “patient with the worst ears."  To this day, my 20 year old daughter STILL gets ear infections.  When she was younger, she had that antibiotic resistant staff infection so many times that a specialty ear powder had to be made for her.   Because of this, we had to take her in to get her ears drained CONSTANTLY.  Was she cooperative?  No, she was not.  I can’t tell you how many times we had to strap Andie down to a backboard to keep her still during the procedure.  The ENT told me she was one of the most tenacious kids he had ever seen.  So, the point of this little paragraph is that Andie is like a dog with a bone, once she wants to know something, look out!  She's never stop until she finds out what she wants and won't let you get out of explaining it to her.

 

This tale also involves Tucker.  Who is Tucker?  Tucker is my dog.  We got him at 4 months and he is the cutest, most fucked up dog on earth.   We think he was abused when he was younger because he is scared of his own shadow and spends much of his life under the bed in our master bedroom.  He won’t come out for anything, no matter how much we try.  We actually keep a long roller in there to force him out if we need him.  So that’s the setup.  Andie = stubborn.  Tucker = scared shitless dog hiding under the bed.

 

When the kids were younger but beginning activities, I, like many other moms, spent much time shuttling them around.  Since the younger kids couldn’t stay home alone, Daniel spent his childhood in the back seat of the car.  One day, when Andie was in 5th grade and Daniel was in 2nd, we were driving around town on various errands.  I drive a large SUV so Andie was in the second bench seat and Daniel was in the third.  Andie and I had the following conversation:

 

Andie:             “Mom, we had sex education today.”

 

Me:                 “Really? I’d forgotten they started in 5th grade.”

 

Andie:             “I have some questions.”

 

Me:                 (glancing at Daniel in my rear view mirror.  He was looking out the window)  “What’s that Andie?”

 

Andie:             “I have some questions that I don’t understand.”

 

Me:                 “Well, why don’t we wait until we get home and discuss this.”

 

Because of Keely, I knew that in 5th grade, in the first year of sex education they basically separated the boys and girls and explained to each how their "equipment" was different.  They also explained about periods and things like that.  They don’t explain about actual SEX at this time, they just explain how these things work together.  But Andie being Andie, wouldn't let the subject drop.

 

Andie:             “Mom, I can’t figure it out.”

 

Me:                 “Andie, let’s talk about this later.”

 

Andie:             “Mom, I want to know something.”

 

I look back at Daniel and notice that he’s started to pay attention to our conversation.

 

Andie:             “Mom, how does the penis know how to find the vagina?”

 

Me:                 (sputtering) “What?”

 

Andie:             “How does the penis know WHERE to go?”

 

I looked in the rear view mirror and Daniel looked stricken.  I was pretty sure he never thought of that thing hanging out in his pants as something that had ANYTHING to do with vaginas.  I mean sure, he knew what vaginas were because he’d bathed with his sisters when they were babies … but still.

 

Me:                 (I’m started to get a little panicked here) “Andie, let’s discuss this at home”

 

Andie:             “No Mom, I don’t get it and I want to know: how does the penis know where to go?”

 

Me:                 “Andie!  Your brother is in the car!”

 

By this point, Daniel was white as a sheet.  He was only 8 and he'd never really thought about any of this.  

 

Andie:             “I mean, I know the penis fits in there but HOW does it get it there?  Does somebody have to put it in there?  How does it happen?

 

OMG!  This was a fucking nightmare!  Here I am, stuck in the car driving with a child who won’t shut up and one in the another on in a catatonic state of shock and I know - I KNOW - I  need to stop the conversation ASAP.  My brain was scrambling to come up with a solution.

 

Me:                 “Andie, it’s like Tucker and the turkey.”

 

Andie:             “What?”

 

I was starting to relax a bit because hey,  I GOT THIS!

 

Me:                  “Yeah, it’s just like Tucker and the turkey!”

 

Andie:             “I don’t get it!"


Me:                 “Well, you know how Tucker spends his entire life under the bed in my room?”

 

Andie:             “Yeah”

 

Me:                 “… and you know how my room is a long way from the kitchen?”


Andie:             “Yeah.”

 

Me:                 “Well, the minute we take the turkey out of the refrigerator, no matter how much turkey we have and no matter what’s going on, Tucker is somehow in the kitchen?”

 

Andie:             “Yeah.”

 

Me:                 “He just materializes in the kitchen because he just KNOWS there’s turkey there!"

 

Andie:             “Okay…”

 

Me:                 “Well, sex is just like that!  The penis just KNOWS”

 

(Long pause from Andie here while I hold my breath).

 

Andie:             “OHHHHH… the penis just KNOWS!”

 

Me:                 “Yeah.”

 

Andie:             “…just like Tucker knows there’s turkey and finds it the penis just KNOWS there’s a vagina and finds it?”

 

Me:                 “Yeah”

 

Andie:             “Okay, I get it now.”

 

Me:                 “Good…do you think it’s possible to have the rest of this conversation when we get home?”

 

Andie:             “Sure mom.”

 

So there you are.  BEST BIRDS AND BEES SPEECH EVAH!

 

 

 

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