In Which I Have a Dilemma

I do think you do have to say something to the parents. If they choose to be in denial about it, you can't do anything about it. You are just passing along the information that you know about their child. What they choose to do with that information is entirely up to them. You are just doing what you need to to help this child. When things come up like this for me, I do the next right thing and then have to let go of the results. I can't control what someone is going to do or how they will react, that is their choice. You do what you need to do, and let go of the results.

hi first time reader and commenter here.

you should tell. you MUST tell, this is a child writing about right? a teen?

that child need someone to be his/her advocate. whether or not his/her folks do something about it, well that is not your business, but if you know you must tell.

this child's vary life and surely the lives of others on the road are depending on you.

I would too...But the problem is that parents who would want to know have their eyes open and do know. The ones that don't know often just don't want to see..because then, they have to deal with it

What a great teaching moment to share with your children...that sometimes it takes courage to stand up for what is right knowing you might get sh*t on in the end. As long as you can live with the decisions you make then that is on you and no one else.

I worked as an adolescent drug counselor and frequently found myself in situations where I walked the line between maintaining confidentiality and telling parents information in the best interest of their child. Often I talked to the teen first about why I felt it was important to tell their parents. Often their parents did not want to believe what I had to tell them even though their child was in outpatient drug treatment.

What would your reaction be if you had seen that teen get into his car drunk and later found out he killed himself and his girlfriend in a car accident that night or killed someone else? I have to imagine that guilt would be awfully hard to live with.

In that situation I would have risked embarrassing my child to potentially save someone else's life. At the very least I would've called the police or notified the school resource officer who most likely was at the dance. And I would've sucked it up and called the boys parents b/c I would want someone to tell me if it was my child.

For the child using dangerous drugs...I think you have to tell the parents. Again, how will you feel when the child overdoses? Because it's not a matter of if he overdoses it is a matter of when if he doesn't get help.

You are in a tough spot, but also are in a spot to teach your own children and their friends that it takes courage to do what is right even when it's not popular.

Good luck!

I live by the creed, if my son were the one drunk ang getting into a car, I'd want someone to tell me - so I always tell (gently) whenever I can.

Parenting teens in a brave new world - ain't it grand?

KT

THIS. If you know someone is doing something dangerous, you are complicit in that behavior if you don't tell a parent or the police.

This is a great opportunity to show your kids that some things are more important than "going along to get along".

I hope that someone tells me about it if my kids ever do something dangerous. It takes a village.

There was another situation that I did go to a school counselor about. The goal was not to have my name known so there wouldn't be retribution towards my kids.

Social pressure be damned. If you're not intervening to stop kids' misbehavior, you're a co-alcoholic, a co-druggie, a co-rapist, etc. There's no way for you to UNknow things you've found out. And the kids know you're listening.

If you sit by, some kids will know you're doing nothing, so that's not an option either.

These other parents are clearly in denial, which is probably why their kids are misbehaving so badly. And they may consider what you say later, if not right away. Sometimes it takes awhile.

Be of good cheer - time goes by, your kids will graduate, people move away, etc. Five years from now you probably won't even know these people.

But the actions you've taken may have saved lives, even those of your own kids. I say, carry on!

Yes I would tell, tell someone! If you do not feel comfortable telling the parents, then a counsellor at their school, social services, someone!

If it was my kid, I would want to know.

blogging about life stuff at http://mcwhclan.wordpress.com

I hate this for you. It makes my stomach churn. I'm squirming on my couch as I type this and it's not even my problem (today, at least). I wish I could tell you what I'd do, but seriously... who knows what I'd do? There are a thousand details about this situation and the others that came before it which would spin in my head until I nearly went mad.

There's the time I ratted that mom out because she relapsed after 15 years of AA recovery and was neglecting her kid, destroying her life, and risking the lives of everyone her drunk *ss shared a road with. Can you say Dept of Children's Services, custody battle, threats, restraining order, and after all of that... the kid is back with his mom? Durn.

There's the time I called the police because I was following someone that almost certainly drunk and watched as they got pulled over. My wife's done that at least two additional times.

The list goes on and on... frequently resulting in a truck load of hate being sent the direction of the one in your shoes. I don't know what to tell you I'd do in your situation, but I can tell you this:

If my kid is ever doing whatever the kid in question is doing, I pray (literally pray, on my knees with my head in hands, to my HP) that a woman like you finds out about it... and contacts me.

There is a woman named Katie Allison Granju (and certainly many, many others) who lost her 'beautiful boy' last year to his drug addiction. Having watched her heart-breaking journey from a distance, I'm willing to bet that she would say the same exact thing.

Peace to you and your brave, loving soul...

You are corrEct that if I had gone to the parents, it wouldn't have gone down that way. However, the parents denied the kid drank anyways and it wasn't until the kid drunkenly smashed his car that they believed their baby drank.

Secondly, I wasn't actually running around gossiping. I just didn't want to get involved and in fact, didn't name names. Somebody in the middle put it together. Had that family been friends of mine, I might have gotten involved. It seems that many parents are in denial about their kids behavior.

I definitely regret saying anything to the person in the middle who said she would let the girls parents know without involving me.

That's awEsome thaT you guys have already discussed it but I remember being in an alcohol education course 8 years ago and my thinking has shifted dramatically. I have intervened twice so far...this time, others are trying and I'm waiting to see what happens. The parents simply won't listen. It's horrible...

Well, you didn't actually speak up... you spoke up behind someone's back. You didn't go to them and tell them what you'd seen so you could have a discussion... you told another parent in a very gossipy way. What was the point of that? How was that helpful?

It's not a matter of "when do I open my mouth"... it's a matter of "who do I tell". We can all criticize and point fingers, that's easy to do. It's hitching up your big girl panties, going directly to the appropriate party and having a big girl discussion... NOT telling someone else who is uninvolved.

If you had gone directly to the parent, it could have been kept between the two of you. They might not react as strongly (or they might, but then their behaviour is completely up to them) because they don't feel cornered or threatened. But they didn't get that choice... they heard second party information. If they heard it from one parent, who knows who else has heard it...

If it's worth opening your mouth, it's worth speaking to the right people.

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That's a hard one, but ultimately I'm with you. I'd rather say something and nothing happen, than keep my mouth shut and something terrible happen. Hopefully you can word it from a place of love and concern and it will work out 'well' for all involved. In my local circle of friends we have already told each other that regardless of where we are in our own friendships by that time, (our kids are only 7-12 right now,) that if we see this kind of behavior out of any of the kids that we as parents want to know. It takes a village and if you're doing it out of love, then it should be ok. Dangerous drugs? That qualifies.