In Which My Husband Greets My Daughter's Future Boyfriend at the Door with a Gun

Your reaction and Nelle's reaction make me think this should've been broken into two separate posts -- one on sex education and one on young adult female sexuality.  It's good food for thought.  Because yes, while I was joking in my title and don't feel bad that I wrote it, I don't feel bad because in my world, abuse doesn't exist, and I was writing about my husband and my daughter.

That said, it pains me that not everyone lives in a family where fatherly concern is balanced by feminism on the part of both father and mother.  This is one of those situations in which you joke until you realize how completely sheltered your life really is. I appreciate you guys bringing that to my attention. It wasn't my intention to be crass, but I may have come off as that.  I apologize for that.

I'm not sure I'm the one to write the young adult female sexuality post. I'm not sure I have the right perspective, as this one has been pretty cut-and-dry for me in my experience. Who wants to write it, BlogHer?

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy ( http://surrenderdorothy.typepad.com ) and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ).

I know you meant it as a joke, but to me at least, the title of your post  just isn't funny. Providing support and guidance to teenagers is one thing, joking like their sexuality is your property to control is another!  I love the substance of your post and I admire your attitude towards giving your daughter access to education and information and empowerment.

But to address the bit you joke about:  What should a mom do if she's married to a guy who starts to freak out over a daughter's sexuality?  How can he be educated? What do you do, how do you know, when he's gone over the line into being abusive of your daughter? Because that happens an awful lot, and it is one of the factors that drive young women to homelessness from being kicked out or running away from abuse from a father, that can end up badly in dependence on men and sex work for example.  How to educate our husbands and the fathers of our children? It's not always the boyfriends who are the problem in this equation.   Maybe a subject for a whole other post!

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Liz Henry ( http://www.blogher.com/haystackprofile/viewprofile... )
lizzard@bookmaniac.net ( http://liz-henry.blogspot.com/ )
Contributing Editor, World and Latin America
( http://www.blogher.com/blog/liz-henry )

"(That didn't mean So-and-So's son was any less horny than a stranger. He wasn't.)"

That made me laugh. :)

I started dating my husband when I was 14, a few days before my 15th birthday.  He's still the only person I've ever really dated.  So when I think about what age to 'let' my daughter date, I have to take my experience into account.  I didn't expect to meet and fall in love with my husband at so young an age, and I certainly didn't see us headed to the altar until several years after we got together. 

I think discounting teenaged romance as superficial or setting arbitrary limits is not always helpful.  As you point out, kids are pretty good at circumventing those limits in any case.  And you never know what puppy love will turn into.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com ( http://www.strocel.com )

My sister's best friend home one day pregnant with twins.  At twelve.  My sister's father heard this, grabbed his daughter, threw her in the car that minute, drove to the doctor, plopped her on the exam table and told the doctor, "Depo.  That arm.  NOW."

He couldn't have cared less is she was sexual active or not at that point, he wasn't taking any chances.  I've always kind of admired him for that.

 That said, my husband will be requesting use of your husband's gun at some point.   :)

Mr Lady www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com ( http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com )

No lack of feminism in her upbringing. She'll be going to BlogHer when she's old enough. 

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy ( http://surrenderdorothy.typepad.com ) and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ).

One thing I did not mention, and had wished to is to parent our daughters from a feminist perspective. 

An unnecessarily overbearing dad sends a message that a daughter is in need of greater protection than a son; both need equal concern, involvement, and proactive action to send them forth well prepared to make good choices. 

A vagina does not render a young woman in need of greater protectiveness on the part of parents, not if she is raised to be strong and to be well versed in things sexual, including contraception, including knowing her parents trust her and the strength she carries within. So too with young men.

Sending forth to the world a daughter raised with a strong feminist perspective (and by the way, i am not saying this such that you have to ram the notion 'you are a feminist' down her throat, we simply parent in a way consistent with equality in mind, cutting through stereotypical behaviour.) 

nelle ( http://refractivethoughts.org/ )

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llhaesa ( http://llhaesa.org/ )

I suppose in today's day and age, you shouldn't joke.  But I was joking. There are no guns in our home, and my husband is not a violent man. He just feels strongly about his little girl. 

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy ( http://surrenderdorothy.typepad.com ) and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ).

I actually wrote this post with great pride that my husband is so protective. It's one of the things I love about him.

Despite my sunniness on dating in general, I had a date rape experience in college, too, though I doubt in that scenario a black belt would've helped.  My point here is that it will be my job to teach my daughter to look out for herself, because I think my man is too close to it to be objective.  And I love him for it. 

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy ( http://surrenderdorothy.typepad.com ) and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ).

that allusions to guns are hyperbole.

I'm a rarity in this regard, a dad who is a woman, so here come my thoughts.

Parenting our eldest through teen years (our youngun turns 17 in  12 days) was, in retrospect, easy. Our youngun, whom I once feared a tad more adventuresome, appears following a similar path. Check with me in three years, and keep in mind I no longer live in their home.

In any case, when R started dating, yeah, I was engaged and involved and there. I'm a feminist, and well, think where my outlook was and is is probably self-evident.

Two things stand out. Both involve her now and future husband of that time. In case one, he goes off to college. My daughter helps him settle in, this in a small city a half hour out of Boston. There are some not so nice places there, and well... when she left for home at 11 pm, he left her to walk to her car, a good distance away in that urban area, alone.

No no one. Not amused.

He lasts a week at school and leaves. He talks my daughter into getting an apartment with him, she puts down the security deposit.

He changes his mind and backs out. My ex and daughter at that time were not seeing eye to eye, not at all, this over when she needed to be in our home at night. I backed off a tad there, ex was strong of will on this, and well... so anyway, he backs out, my daughter is left with a security deposit just paid on the apartment.

Fortunately, the money was refunded, but I also said "you are coming home." I changed the rules of return at night, much to my ex's consternation, but dammit, I wished our child to be back home. She was 18 flipping years old, and that meant adult with a bit greater license, it also meant parents needed to recognise daughter was an adult.

I talked with her about the first incident, about expectations, about feminism, about respect for each other, watching out for each other, and that his action did not leave me happy.

She shared every word with him, because she was upset as well.

Next time he entered our home, if I yelled boo, I would have had to remove his head from our ceiling.

Words, not guns, are the preferred tool for parents. Communication is a preferred tool for parents. Convey expectations, convey concerns, if done prior to (which me, as an inexperienced parent then, did not do) then stronger, reactive measures will probably be unnecessary. Get your thoughts out there in a positive way, as if affirming you know your child and friend will make the right choices, rather than condemning them before the fact. Trust is important to parents, but it is to children as well. Show that trust, give them the parameters, let them choose wisely.

And no guns.  

nelle ( http://refractivethoughts.org/ )

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llhaesa ( http://llhaesa.org/ )

According to the book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters ( http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Fathers-Daughters-Sec... ), it's really good for your daughter to have a dad who's going to go all Bruce Willis.  

As the mom of two daughters, I found that book really interesting.  It might be worth a read. 

And not to go all Debbie Downer on you, but as someone who was date-raped at age 15, you might want to take into account that the boys your daughter dates might not be as respectful of her boundaries as the boys you dated were.  There's plenty of time to invest in her black belt.  I sure wish I'd had one.

http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

I grew up in a household where dating was pretty much forbidden, so I had to learn everything the hard way behind my parents back. Since I know what goes on in this culture, it is extremely important to me to communicate with my daughter on the subject, where I got nothing from my parents. I like the way you will put the sex education information out there and a few tidbits of advice. Hopefully this approach will work for our family as well. And my husband can join yours on the front step.

Angela at mommy bytes ( http://www.mommybytes.com )
BlogHer Contributing Editor in Mommy & Family Cribsheet ( http://www.blogher.com/blogher-topics/cribsheet )