Who will love me for me? (A Journey to Worthiness}

{Photo By: Maria Alexandra Photography}

I remember the day I stopped being bulimic... just stopped... cold turkey... one look... one soup kitchen... full of hungry inner city kids in Santiago, Chile did what years of therapy and anti depressants never could. How could I make my self throw up, when I saw and knew and loved so many kids whose only meals were served in the small church I volunteered in ...in the inner city of the inner city of Santiago??

 

I was in the fifth grade when my older brother's girlfriend showed me how to make myself throw up... and that's the moment my war against food was waged. What started as I cry out for attention quickly snowballed into a full blown eating disorder. The more I dieted and purged and worked out obsessively ... the more self-centered and self absorbed I became. The empty dark hole inside of me was never satisfied, it whispered to me and told me I was ugly and disgusting... and eventually it convinced me I was nothing... less than nothing.

 

It's amazing how wrapped up we can get in how we look. And how we relate how we look on the outside to who we are on the inside. For so many years I thought if I could look the "right" way THEN I could be loved and accepted and feel worthy of both. Even though I left the physical act of "bingeing and purging" behind in Chile, all of the emotional baggage of not feeling good enough EVER... came back home to the states with me... along with the extra 30 pounds I was packing on my little missionary booty.

 

I replaced my eating disorder with an obsessive need to serve (and no... not for others... but for myself... to make ME feel worthy... there was nothing beautiful or Godly about it) It was important for me to identify myself as the worker... the servant... the one who never says no... I always had to be seen serving... always tried to EARN love and attention and affection... by "doing" this time instead of "purging".

 

It wasn't until I had my oldest son Sawyer, that a good friend (and father of 5) gave me this advice, He said "Lindsay, look at Sawyer... he's so busy... ALL of the time... isn't your favorite time when he just stops and sits in your lap and hugs you and isn't really doing anything at all?? How much more do you think God wants that from you... he doesn't want what you have to offer... he doesn't want what you look like... he wants you... just the way you are." That was the moment my heart began to heal, that was the moment the empty dark hole inside of me started to shrink... that was my first glimpse at worthiness and I knew I wanted more.

 

I could bore you with more years of dieting and weight gain and pregnancy and dieting... I can't tell you when I finally just started to let go of the  "dieting" and "doing"for all of the wrong reasons because honestly I don't even know... it was probably around kid #3 when I was too tired and strung out to care about trying to look like a barbie or about pleasing others or letting them down by my inability to ever say NO. It's like I just woke up one morning and realized I felt free... it's an amazing feeling... almost indescribable actually.

 

Now as I'm sitting here typing, at 31,  I can tell you I feel worthy of love... and affection... I don't hate myself... I don't have to "do" or have people see me "do" to feel good about myself... I am fine with my weight and my size 10 jeans... I am who I am... I am who God made me... This blog has walked me through so many of my issues, it's been almost therapeutic to write and be honest and have so many of you tell me you've gone through the same things. I can honestly say now that with all of my "headcaseyness"... with my 160 pounds of pure love of a body... with stretch marks and spider veins... with my dirty house and never ending list of stuff I never get done... I love myself... and I am worthy... have you ever said that out loud? I -AM-WORTHY! I am worthy... not because of who I am or what I've done (yes that's a JJ Heller song:)).. but just the way I am... I am worthy of love and forgiveness and acceptance ... and so are you...


 

Comments

In order to comment on BlogHer.com, you'll need to be logged in. You'll be given the option to log in or create an account when you publish your comment. If you do not log in or create an account, your comment will not be displayed.