Whose Boobies?

My situation is different than most.  I fully intended to breastfeed my daughter.  But her birth was a horrific story I don't share often (as it usually makes mothers cry and potential mothers reconsider) and I only survived it due to an experimental radiological surgery.

I was so full of toxins that there was no way to breastfeed for the first 72 hrs after the surgery at all.  The road to recovery for me was difficult.  For the first month of her life, my husband was taking care of both of us pretty equally.

The day after I was released from the ICU into a "normal" hospital room (I was there for 5 days total) my doctor came to me and said "look... when it comes to the breast feeding issue, you have to make a choice.  After the 3 day period is up, you can try breast feeding her - but if you do, it will take you about 6 months to get back to normal health, if you decide not to, it should only be 1 or 2 months."

I made the decision to put her on formula and didn't look back.  My doula talked to me after I came home about 'milk banks' and 'wet nursing' and it wasn't even something I considered.  Because honestly? No.

Reading this, I kind of find myself squicked out by it entirely.  But moreso, I find myself examining my reactions and thinking "I wonder if in part it's because I never breast fed my daughter..."

I don't know.  But it's still an interesting topic.

Lucretia (aka GeekMommy)

Raising a child in a digital world, still a digital girl

For me the main concern about my baby getting another woman's milk is about what might be in the milk. I don't think I would want to take a random donor's milk, but I can see taking it from a friend.

I don't get the sexual metaphor at all - certainly part of the benefit of breastfeedlng is the connection made between mother and child, but the mother's milk is also beneficial outside of this relationship. I don't see my baby deciding she loves me less because someone else's milk is so good. (laughing at image of a baby sneaking off to get another woman's milk...)

A friend who can not have more kids jokes that she wishes I would have twins and give her one. This (for both of us) is not realistic, but I know in some cultures it happens. 

Nora 

http://www.nonlineargirl.com

I totally see where you're coming from.  I wrote: 

I'm guessing if it was between my baby nursing from someone else or not eating at all, I'd vote for my baby eating.

And I feel the same about others' babies.  During the Depression, there was probably a NEED, and I think your grandmother did a brave and selfless thing to be a wet nurse.

Surrender, Dorothy ( http://surrenderdorothy.typepad.com )- When I was your age, we just let them ride in the back window.

Rita Arens is a contributing editor for BlogHer -- Mommy & Family.

During the depression, my grandmother wet nursed infants in our neighborhood. My grandfather had a job; his family was fed.   She was healthy so she fed the children of neighbors who weren't so fortunate during that time.  I remember thinking that my grandmother, who was the mother of 9, had this connection to her community that many of us never experience.

It reminds me of Hillary's "It takes village."  I don't know if my grandmother thought it was gross to do what she did; she just saw a need and helped her neighbors.  I'd hope that I was capable of such a selfess act, if it was ever needed from me.  And, pray that someone would be there to wet nurse my child if I needed her fed.  Of course, we live with extreme wealth -- just buy formular; but what happens in marginalized communities where formular is a luxury?  Or war torn countries?  

My grandmother' experience helps me look at wet nursing differently; I'm unable to see the "ick" factor.  Instead, I see a concerned woman with children of her own (4 at the time) extended herself to nurture her neighbors' children.   

As a mother with a multitude of mommy friends, we've discussed this before.  The general consensus is it's...yucky.  Obviously excluding cases of absolute need--such as one commenter mentioned about women in China nursing babies who's parents were lost in the earthquake.  And the idea of milk banks is awesome...but breastfeeding off another woman just gives me an icky feeling for some reason.

Back in 1978, when I was only 6wks old, my mother left me for a few hours a day at a neighborhood babysitter while she went back to work parttime.  One day, she came to pick me up only to be told I had been fussy all day and finally, unable to do anything to comfort me, the babysitter (a mother herself) had breastfed me.

My mother was so appalled she promptly quit her job.  This, a baby-boomer child who came of age in the 60's and 70's, who was and is pretty liberal--was skeeved out as well! 

Lindsay

www.thinner-greener-richer.blogspot.com ( http://www.thinner-greener-richer.blogspot.com/ )

I way overproduced.  WAY overproduced.  After nursing my son for 9 months, I had over 900 ounces stored and had thrown a lot of breastmilk away along the way because of freezer space and length of time stored.  After trying to do something constructive with it, I ended up donating almost 800 ounces to a friend's sister who couldn't nurse because she had had surgery.  I felt good about donating, but I don't know how I would have felt had she asked me to wet nurse the baby at the same time.  I don't think I would have minded, but I think I would have minded the reverse just because of the emotional bonding - frankly, I think I would be jealous.

Jennifer

I know it sounds petty, but I do have an issue with the bodily contact part. I just don't want to "share."

I do agree with mothergoosemouse...I can't think of a better reason for me, than that I would feel replaced.

I was lucky with my elder daughter - I was able to nurse her with no problems. My work at the time didn't allow me to be able to pump for long enough (only until 6 months), but I was grateful for that amount of time. I always considered breastfeeding more than sustenance for her - it was sustenance for me too...that bonding between my daughter and I was just what I needed. I truly believe it helped get me through the mild post-partum depression I experienced.

If I was concerned about a safety issue, no way. If it came down to having a child who could only take breast milk, and I was unable to, then heck yeah, as long as the milk was safe, I'd be all for it. In a bottle. I just can't get past the bodily contact bit.

Fweetieb Blog: http://justfweetieb.blogspot.com

No, I wouldn't let someone else breastfeed my child. First of all, for purely practical safety reasons, I don't know what diseases that person might have, what drugs they might have been consuming, etc. Maybe, if my sister was lactating at the same time as me, I might let her nurse my child, but I think it is asking a lot to trust someone else that much.

Second, nursing my children is an extremely important part of the mother-child bond. I would feel like that bond was broken or compromised if I let someone else nurse my child. I think that is where the comparison with letting someone else sleep with your husband comes in - not because breastfeeding is sexual, but because breastfeeding is part of an intimate relationship between two people, just like sex is.

Nursing my child is what I do. It is part of being a parent. I also don't ask other people to plan my child's birthday party, to take them to their first day of school, to attend their school concerts on my behalf, etc. Maybe other people have nannies to do those things, the same way that people used to have wet nurses. However, it is not for me.

 PhD in Parenting - http://phdinparenting.wordpress.com ( http://phdinparenting.wordpress.com/ )

I would happily let a good friend, or someone I could trust, breastfeed my child. I read about people in China breastfeeding babies whose parents had died in the recent earthquake. If I had been in China and a mother had died in front of me, leaving a hungry infant in the rubble, I wouldn't hesitate to nurse that baby.

I have held a screaming baby in my arms and felt an impulse to let the baby latch on... but never needed to as the parent wasn't far away - but I did feel that impulse and no thoughts of 'sex' or wrong-doing entered my mind. Very simply, I hate to hear a hungry baby cry and when I'm lactating I know I have the ability to calm the baby in a moment. I feel such a primal love for all babies and I think my 'stone-age', primal mind takes charge when I'm cradling an infant in my arms!

I have two beautiful children - my first I breastfed till she was nearly two and a half (she self-weaned whilst I was half way through my second pregnancy). My second daughter will turn three in December and still likes to breastfeed (only occasionally - at home and mostly at night)! I had a terrible time of feeding my first daughter - cracked nipples, low supply etc. - but after six week's of agony, perseverence and incredible support from husband, lactation consultant and midwife, we pulled through. At the time, I hadn't heard of 'extended breastfeeding' but it was what eventuated for me and my children (and in pre-children days I would have said, 'NO WAY!' if someone had told me about it and that I'd be doing it!).

Thanks for a very interesting topic and look forward to reading more comments on this post.

Sarah

http://www.chezlee.co.nz

My gut feeling is that I'd have no problems with it as a temporary solution, but not a permenant one. It's the same feeling I have about getting a nanny. I didn't want someone else "replacing" me in that way. I have no problem with a babysitter, or someone that I trust breastfeeding my child, but not as a long term solution. I know it's not rational, but it's just a feeling.

And I still can't come up with a defensible explanation of why I wouldn't want someone else to nurse my baby (except under the most dire circumstances).

It would make me feel replaced.  That's not rational, I know, but it's the best explanation I've got.

Julie 

mothergoosemouse ( http://www.mothergoosemouse.com/ )

I love how honest you are about your difficulties and misgivings about breastfeeding. The medical establishment is stunningly uneducated about the process, so it really helps

I think a big factor in our attitudes about wet nurses comes from being organized in nuclear families. The basic family unit is now mom, dad, and kids, with little extended family around. A reliance on someone else for bonding or emotional sustenance is a kind of failure, especially for the mom. But milk banks are a little more acceptable than a wet nurse, because only the nourishment is be transferred. In other words, it's OK to outsource food, but not love.

 I wrote a longer post about this on my blog ( http://lifeconsidered.blogspot.com/2008/08/whither... ).

A while ago, was sitting around a table with my sister and a few friends. We all had babies or were pregnant at the time.

The topic of breast milk banks came up. It's an excellent idea that we all suppoorted.

We talked about how one of the lasses donated milk when she was in hospital to help a premmie baby whose mum wasn't producing enough (my friend produced a LOT of milk). Another excellent idea!

We then talked about the idea of feeding our expressed breatsmilk to a friends or sister's baby. All of us shuddered and agred it was too icky for words.

Too close, too peersonal, too much like wearing the other girls' knickers.

Not rational, not based on anything, just a reaction and a strong one at that.

When my son was two months old I left him with a friend whose children I'd cared for years earlier. I was gone for less than an hour, but he screamed and she finally stuck him on the breast. Though she had not lactated in years, it calmed him right down and I came back to a sleeping, happy baby.

I have no problem with a friend nursing my child, or with nursing a friend's child. When strangers entire the equasion it becomes more, er, sticky. I just don't know, but I think I'd prefer it to formula.

Through the Looking Glass ( http://noirbettie.com/blog )

Heather, I'll try to find you some links, but as I'd already given up breastfeeding by the time I started my blog (yikes), I'm not sure when I posted about it.  I'll try to find some, though.

Surrender, Dorothy ( http://surrenderdorothy.typepad.com )- When I was your age, we just let them ride in the back window.

Rita Arens is a contributing editor for BlogHer -- Mommy & Family.

Like you, I struggled significantly with breast feeding. I had no physical issues - tonnes of milk, no latching problems, no soreness, and Bobbin was gaining weight and thriving. But I hated the act of breastfeeding, hated the way it felt, hated doing it. It was a repulsive feeling for me.  So much so that I would break down into hysteric tears when she'd start crying for food because I knew it meant I'd have to undo my shirt again and let her suck. While I was pregnant I suspected I'd have emotional/psychological issues with breastfeeding but was determined to give it my best shot. However I still stacked the deck in my favour when interviewing and selecting a pediatrician; choosing someone who felt that a healthy and happy mommy was more important than breast feeding when it came to ensuring a healthy and happy baby. So after 3 weeks and consulting with the pediatrician as well as my own primary care physician, we switched to a bottle and life was MUCH better. I did have a lot of guilt for a long time; I was sure there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I did about the act of breastfeeding, and I thought that it meant I clearly was clearly a selfish, selfcentered, deficient mother if I couldn't just "suck it up" despite my complete revulsion for it. And I felt VERY alone.  But in the end it was 100% the right decision for me and Bobbin. So to answer your question - if formula was an option I'd definitely go there before I let another woman breastfeed my baby. Because it is such an intimate act, which is exactly the reason why I struggled with it so much when I tried to do it.  I am interested in reading the past posts you referenced. Even though it's been 3 years, I still vividly recall my feelings and it's nice to know I wasn't alone :-)

Heather

Bringing Up Bobbin ( http://www.bringingupbobbin.com )

Having read this article, it has made me to start thinking about things that I would have otherwise have taken for granted. Having had two more young boys under the age of three, I would say that there's a spiritual and emotional connection that comes with breast feeding your child.

I have witnessed situation back home whereby a mother dies during child birth and a nursing mother is sought within the community to help nurse the new born child. In such sensitive situation, most people might not even think about the health issues as you've mentioned. 

I have also witnessed a husband banning his wife from nursing a newborn claiming that her two breasts belong to him because he had paid her bride price. The motion of breast been viewed as a baby food bank and/or as a sex toy would be very difficult for some men and women to deal with.

Having said that, I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to breast my two children.

Chichi, Editor at mylovelybigfeetblog.com
  www.mylovelybigfeetblog.com ( http://www.mylovelybigfeetblog.com )
  Email: chichi@mylovelybigfeetblog.com ( http://null/src/compose.php?send_to=chichi%40mylov... )

It's not really a topic I've spent a lot of time thinking about, but interesting nonetheless. I think the act of nursing a child carries, for me, too much of an emotional bond that I would not be comfortable with someone else having such a bond with my child. 

Yes, there is also concern about transmitted diseases or medications / drugs, and even with the willing participant being tested, I still don't think I could escape the thought of how strong the bonding is while nursing. 

That being said, I would however be willing to feed my child someone else's expressed breast milk - say from a milk bank of something. 

Sam

http://temporarilyme.com