Whose story is it: Yours or Theirs? Blogging the Teen Years

I go through this often internally, Jenn, which is why my blog covers mommy and family less now. But I still talk about being a sandwhich-generation mom sometimes and family in general. My take is similar to yours.

Personally, I no longer feel like I have the right to tell the world
about the events of their lives. At least not without their permission and with obvious exclusions. The tide has turned and those adorable mother stories I had have become theirs to own and share if and when they want to share them. I am, however, a mother and therefore I can share how their lives and their experiences effect me.

I have a teen son and an adult daughter who lives with me. I think the last time I wrote specifically about one of their personal experiences of which I was not a part directly was last year in my defunct New Jersey blog.

If a post mentions them now (never by name) I let them see it. And I never write anything that would embarrass them. God knows a teen male would be embarrassed by what a mom could write him. :-) Most of the time they get a kick out of my finding a blog topic related to something they've said or done, but I bet if I used their names they'd be edgier on it.

Nordette ( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette ) is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link ( http://bigsole.blogspot.com ). Recent BlogHer post, America's Dark Night of Soul ( http://www.blogher.com/americas-dark-night-soul-il... ).

( http://blogher.org/blog/nordette )

I agree with you on this one. 

 It came to my mind early on in blogging because my husband is a pastor and pastors often use family stories for sermon illustrations.  He said right from the beginning that he wouldn't use any specific stories without permission from us (whichever one the story was about) and if he was going to mention a 'general' kind of thing that he'd always tell us before hand so we wouldn't just sit down and be surprised to hear our names in his sermon.  I appreciated that (and still do). 

I also had a dear friend who really crossed the line with the stuff her son was going through in grades 9-11, and told too many people and definitely the wrong people TOO many details, not in blogging, but just in every day life.

 So, I saw how awful that was in person and figured it wouldn't be any better online.  I would need to use some discretion with my blogging. 

 I don't use any of our names, but many people who know us in real life read my blog, so that doesn't fix things either.  I just have to be sensitive to what I share.  I'm more than just a momblogger, too, so it's not so hard - I have lots of other things to write about!  ;) 

Thanks for this post.  It's a good reminder that our kiddos are their own people and we need to respect that!

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Who decides what's normal, anyway? It's OK to be WEIRD! ( http://sweetmummy.lifewithchrist.org/ )

Although I write about our lives I have never used my children's names or shown recognisable photos of them.  My children are 14, 11, 10 and 5. 

My teenager has always made it very clear that he does not want me to discuss him on the blog and I respect that.  I think we have to be very careful.  There is so much cyber-bullying out there; why increase our children's risk of being a target?

Kate

Our Red House ( http://www.ourredhouse.blogspot.com )

If I wrote about the kids, especially the older ones, I try to make sure it's about how I experience them rather than just talking about them. 

But, there's excpetions every now and then, especially if it's a really good story ;) 

Busy Mom Blog ( http://busymom.net )

 I blog about all three of my kids, and have for almost for years.  As they've grown older, started reaching puberty, and the stories have gone from silly to embarrasing, I've just started letting them read my blog.  I don't let them read all of it, but if I post directly and solely about them, THAT they can read.  I like to have the okay first.  

 For me, the difference is anonymity.  I don't use my kids names, but I do post pictures, so I feel like they should have a say in it.  But if I were totally anonymous, if I didn't show their faces or use their names, I don't think I'd check with them any more than I would ask if I could talk about them over the phone.

 Great post!  It's nice to have the different perspective!  Thanks!

Mr Lady www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com ( http://www.whiskeyinmysippycup.com )

I have recently started to blog for the exactly the same reason as Giyen - because my three daughters are teenagers.

I believe that mothering teenagers (and I only know girls) is the toughest challenge I have ever encountered.  I found myself more-than-a-little depressed and stressed-out trying to keep up with my daughters' demands for clothing, tanning, waxings, and driving lessons.  (My motto is:  Anyone can change a diaper, it takes a special person to launder a thong.)

I try to use humor to put it all in perspective for me . . .I never use my daughters' names or try to embarrass them (although I do have a story or two in draft form just wating for the day I'm really mad at them!)

 I try to make their story somehow become my story.  I poke fun at myself and often find that its my reaction that makes it so funny.

I have also invited my oldest daughter (now 21) to become a contributor on my blog and may very well invite her younger sisters to do the same.

http://amomonspin.com ( http://amomonspin.com/ )

I'm a fairly new blogger, my sons are 11 and 13. I do respect their privacy, so I have never posted a picture of my teenager. He doesn't want me to, and I won't until he gives his permission. My 11  year old still likes the attention, thinks it neat, but when the daycomes that he doesn't like it (and that day will come I'm sure) then I'll stop.

I do write about my teenager. The phase of life that I'm in, kids getting older, getting ready to turn 40, that is why I started blogging.  Having a teenager is like traveling without a map, it' s a strange new territory for me. Getting feedback and advice is so helpful, because every day is a new challenge.  I try not to get too personal, and I don't criticize my son. But when we had a problem with the internet, and he was becoming addicted to it, I posted about it. Not to air his dirty laundry, or mine, but because I was not aware of how common that is among teens, and how dangerous it can be if you stop paying attention for even a second. I hope it helped another parent, or just served as a reminder.

My son knows about my blog and could read it if he wanted to.  Occasionally he'll check it,  he doesn't care at all if I write about funny things that happen. I do know where the boundary is, at least for right now, and I respect it. Of course, with a teenager the boundary could change tomorrow,lol.

I look for other blogs by moms with teenagers, because I'm always looking for advice, suggestions, anything to survive the teenage years. It is a huge help to know that I'm not the only  mom who feels like she's lost her mind,lol. So I appreciate the sharing, too.

Sheri

Unexpected Bliss ( http://www.unexpectedbliss.com/ )

I'm new to the blogging "party" and to BlogHer but not so new to parenting - 4 kids including 3 teens, ages 19, 17, 17 and a 9 year-old (who thinks she is a teen).

I've been telling and writing about my kids for all their years, not just the teen years. It's an interesting subject that I think will come up more and more as mommy bloggers and their toddlers and tweens get older.

I tell quite a bit about my kids and they constantly provide me with fresh material. I really find as the kids reach middle and high school age, parents stop talking to each other except for the superficial and safe conversations about how busy we are running to extracurricular activities to enrich our children's lives and how "great" everyone is doing. One of my best friends and middle school teacher with a daughter in college and a son who is a high school senior calls these parents "posers."

While I don't believe we all need to air all our dirty laundry or our kids' dirty laundry (OMG, don't get me started on my kids' dirty laundry), I really believe we should spend a lot more time telling the truth about parenting especially during the mentally and emotionally exhausting teen years. Even when the stories aren't as cute or funny as when they were three.

As far as blogging about them, my kids don't have much privacy until they are on their own. While under our roof, we are the boss of them - not the other way around. I'm not claiming I'm doing anything right because I've always believed parenting is a crap shoot…great parents can have crappy kids…crappy parents can have great kids. I just  "go with my gut" and have let them read any post about them before I hit publish and gauge their reaction. You all already know that paying attention and listening are key elements of parenting and with teens it is vital.

Didn't mean to be so long-winded but I think this is such an important topic!

I do know my blog has added a new element of entertainment to our family and when our 17 year-old twins huddled around the computer with their friends at their birthday party to "read mom's blog" this summer, I knew I had to keep telling our stories! Keep sharing moms (and dads) and be a lifeline to another parent.

sherralifelesson ( http://sherralifelesson.com )

in order to get through the tumultous teen years and the bittersweet sunset of my daughter's adolescence, I started a blog. Most of my blog is about me getting through the transition of our relationship, but a good portion of it is about my daughter too.

I try not to write something too incriminating because kids are so media savvy but there are too many good stories not to share.  As with anything, my daughter has her own version of the same story - I am sure of it!

Giyen

Bacon Is My Enemy ( http://www.baconismyenemy.com )

Latest Post:

Are You There God?  It's Me Bacon ( http://www.baconismyenemy.com/home/2008/10/are-you... ).

I truly believe that each family is different.  What one blogger may share may be appropriate for her relationship with her child while not for another.   As long as it is done with love and open communication with your child, it should be okay.

I'm glad you make the point Jenn that there are some things we "need" to share as mothers of pre-teens/teens.  It is a tough time and we do need know we aren't alone in our challenges. 

I use this as a rule of thumb:  Would it be okay to tell this story at his rehearsal dinner? If so, I'll identify which child I'm writing about (because you know I won't remember which boy belongs to the story by the time they're old enough to get married).  If not, I'll keep it more vague. 

My boys are 13 and 16 now, and I started blogging one year ago. I don't write about my kids on a daily basis--my blog, like my life, is not about my kids 24/7. When I do write about them, my personal rule is that I don't blog about things that would embarrass them should one of their friends accidentally (or not so much!) find my blog. My 13yo, in the throes of puberty over the past year, has been actually checking my blog on rare occasions, and I feel very secure knowing that he will never, ever find anything that would indicate 1)that his mother is making fun of him (well, more than I do when I'm joking around with him in person) or 2)that his mother thinks he has bad judgement or isn't doing his best.

I plan to use one of those cool websites to turn much of my blog into keepsake books someday, and I think they'll be really happy about it when I do.

Melisa

The Suburban Scrawl ( http://thesuburbanscrawl.blogspot.com )

As always, you two inspire.

 Another point: Without a dialogue on this subject, moms of younger children not yet to their teens aren't going to know to think about this ahead of time and have those conversations early on. Because the lot of you care about your fellow bloggers, we benefit. And so, thank you.

FireMom from Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com )

And: the Birth Parent blog ( http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com )

I've been thinking about this a lot.  My kids are 10 and 7 and I am careful about what stories I share.  But my step son is 14, and I hardly ever blog about him. I assumed that it was because I had the "if I didn't birth you, I don't have the right to blog about you" rule, but now I'm thinking that maybe it's because he's at that age where I have to respect his privacy more. Or maybe it's because I don't want to be accused of being the Wicked Stepmother.  Kidding. Sort of.

I AM NEW TO BLOGGING, AND DEFINITELY AGREE THAT THE NEED FOR EACH CHILD'S PRIVACY SHOULD BE RESPECTED.  OR AS SPIDERMAN SAYS, "WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY".  THE POWER OF THE PEN (KEYBOARD).  YEP, I THINK HE SAID IT BEST.

My kids are now aged 4-11 and I started blogging 3 years ago.  As the blog has evolved and my consciousness regarding how my writing may or may not be perceived (although I still blog for me!) comes to the forefront, I think about this often. 

Especially with my oldest.  It's definitely a fine line to write about the changes puberty and middle school bring on without trashing your child's dignity.  I really try to make an effort to make sure he approves of the stories I tell, which belong to all of us - I'm just the vessel.  And I would never embarrass him knowingly, never.

So it is interesting to see how other parents with older children are dealing with this as well - I think you're right, and just the fact that your talking about it and writing about it and thinking about it speaks volumes as to the kind of thoughtful mother that you are!  Kudos!

Carrie at Stop Screaming I'm Driving! ( http://stopscreamingimdriving.com )

OMG, Jenn - I get asked this ALL the time - and you're right.

I've been blogging for 5 years now (4 kids all under the age of 10, 'nuf said) and, yes...the stories have changed...a little...but, it's still OUR story and I don't write about anything that I (or, my kids) would be uncomfortable sharing, in real life.

Although, my kids are in school full-time, my job is far from being
done. I will have TWO teenagers, in a couple of months (ACK!) and
personally, I feel that being their mom has become even harder.

However, my reasons for keeping This Full House remain the same - blogging is cheaper than therapy!

On a side note:  Another frequently asked question ( http://www.thisfullhouse.com/this_full_house/frequ... ) is, "Do you use your kids' real names?"

Answer:  I don't use their "real" names, because, well, with 6 people living
in a 7 room house and ALL 3 girls sharing 1 bedroom, I would
like them to feel as if they had some sense of privacy.

Living with teenagers, every little bit helps, right?

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This Full House ( http://thisfullhouse.com )

This Full House Reviews ( http://thisfullhouse.com/reviews )

Imperfect Parent ( http://www.imperfectparent.com )