Why Am I Not Meeting "the One?"
By caliaroze on January 04, 2010
So many of us wonder why we aren't meeting "the one". Many of us even get angry about it. "She found someone. Why can't I?"..."Look at her. She uglier than me"...Okay...So that's not very nice, but you have to at least hear me a little bit on this. I had been completely alone for years and years. My constant complaint was that I "never met anyone good." Days have turned to months have turn to years. I have run into countless people with the same story. People have repeatedly set me up with "someone who would be perfect" for me. Of course, by "perfect" they mean "also single", or sometimes "single enough" and going through a divorce. Yuck! What was I going to do with someone who was only a little bit single? I loved to complain about it to people. Usually it wasn't the first thing out of my mouth, but it was definitely incorporated into a bitter, edgy response to the nagging mockery of the question, "So? Have you met anyone yet?" I'd spew back a well-crafted utterance that somehow encapsulated sarcasm, anger, resentment, and the amazing talent of making the person who had asked, very much wish they hadn't! So? Had I met anyone yet?...uh...duh! No! I was in my 30's and had spent the better part of my 20's in two back to back 4-year relationships. The second one was the one I blamed for all of my troubles. After all...he was sort of a load of crap right?...Well...yeah. Right! He was a load of crap. BUT- I had chosen to stay in that relationship for about 3 ½ years too long. He did make a great excuse for being single now though.
It was all his fault right?...Actually no. I'd spent years (7 to be exact) meeting the "wrong" type of guys and blaming the fact that the demographic was off for me. Now don't get me wrong. This is definitely not an easy demographic to be single in. As the dating pool shrinks and our friends start to have family responsibilities, it naturally leaves us with some lonely evenings. It becomes really easy to dwell in it. Put that in combination with the fact that the older and more independent a person becomes, the less willing she is to "settle", you have the recipe for "self-fulfilling loneliness prophecy pie!" If a guy so much as uttered even a small sentence that reminded me of something my ex would've said, I would dismiss him instantly. Once I realized that I likely wouldn't be able to pay a stranger in the ladies room $100 to go back to the table and pretend she was me while I climbed out the bathroom window...again...I made it a rule to always drive myself. It made for a cleaner getaway from an uncomfortable situation-especially since I didn't always wear sensible shoes. What can I say?...for a smart girl, I don't always come up with the most logical exit strategies. I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings... Whatever!...The question now was, what were the odds that everyone I met seemed to be exponentially worse than the one before? I had read all of the Law of Attraction books and it definitely worked for me where my career, school, and nearly everything around me was concerned. I could get a parking place in a busy lot. I could write a book in my sleep. I could walk into a convenience store and win a scratch off...but where dating was concerned I found that my scratch off was more along the lines of a "want to poke my eyes out!"
I decided to sit down and write it all out. I figured that maybe I could help other people with this and that possibly my lot in life was to facilitate other people's happiness. I had nieces, nephews, sisters and a brother who needed me on a daily basis. Maybe it was possible that they "get" and I "give?" I wrote a stream of consciousness book. I sat with my eyes closed and my fingers on the keyboard each night going over each element of my area of complaint until I would come up with a set of questions that needed to be answered. I'd get done with one chapter, answer the questions and then end up opening up more questions for myself. Oh no! It was putting all the blame on me. Darn! That can't be right? I had been looking to attract that guy who I had needed to run 2 miles away from in high-heeled sandals? Uncool! I had a vision board and a specific list of what I was looking for in a guy. He should've been walking into my life. Long story short- that guy on that list was walking into my life over and over again. He was the exact guy that I referred to as a "load of crap" in the first paragraph of this article. Whoa...I was asking the universe to send me a controlling, nasty, hater of everything that I stood for?...That can't be good. The trouble was that I hadn't gotten closure on why it hadn't worked out with him. He had dumped me on my birthday after tormenting me for 4 years and then married a girl he supposedly "wasn't seeing" within a few months. My type 'A' personality wanted to bring someone exactly like him back into my life so I could prove that I could make it work. Great plan Calia!...Well, it seemed like a good idea to my subconscious at the time.
As I got further into the book, I started taking specifications off of my list of requirements. The Law of Attraction was indeed working for me but I hadn't been clear about what I had wanted. I decided to start living each day to the fullest instead of dwelling on what I lacked. Most of all, I decided to forgive myself for standing in front of a guy for 4 years who was incapable of being able to appreciate the person I was from the beginning, and asking him to care. I outlined the steps:
1) Get clear about what it is that you want!
2) Visualize it in a way you see it for your future as though you already have it!
3) Appreciate the things that you have now and acknowledge those things before you go to bed at night!
4) Learn to love each day on a "one day at a time" basis, instead of always noticing what you don't have!
5) Stop comparing yourself to other people who aren't on the same time line as you!
6) Go back again once you have completed the steps and figure out if what you wanted at the beginning of this exercise is really what you want at all!
It all sounds very simple. As a matter of fact, it all sounds like a page out of Rhonda Byrne's, "The Secret!" Yes! I read it. It's a great way to motivate yourself to notice the script you are writing your life's character to read. If you are ready to absorb its message, it is a truly enlightening text.
Here's the craziest part about this story though! I removed some of my requirements from the list of specifications I wanted in the guy I pictured myself with. Yeah...I removed "control freak jerk who hates everything about me!"...Who knew that that one was even on the list? I had just thought that my Law of Attraction was broken. I released the book and a compilation of my blogs on amazon for sale on the Monday before Thanksgiving. The book was a little personal, but I was confident that it could help someone even if I was totally screwed myself! It contained the new list of requirements of the type of guy I was hoping to meet. Would you believe that I met a friend out an hour away from my hometown on that following Friday, four days later...and a friend of his family's walked in. He said "hello", and as my friend's 2-year-old niece walked by, he picked her up onto his lap to play with her while he talked to me. What?...the needle in a haystack from my book that I had so carefully crafted so it would never be my fault that I didn't meet him? Here? What the heck? Now I'm not saying that he is "the one" because it's far too early to know that yet. I am saying that my list said, "must be in his 30's, never married, no kids, have family values, is Italian, catholic, have a college degree in anything at all, has to have chemistry with me- both intellectually and physically, have passion for what he does, isn't trying to fit a girl into his already pre-made life because he still has room to grow together with someone." Could I have been more specific? How many guys like that do you know in their late 30's?...who aren't in Jail or have been in a coma for 20 years?...yep! This was truly an interesting find. He's nice and I definitely like him. I haven't liked anyone in years. I'm certain this isn't the end of this story, but it is certainly a beginning with possibilities that I haven't done anything but dreamed of in years...and possibly even years before that...
My story is a testimony to the fact that following the steps outlined above will bring you one step closer to getting out of your own way where finding your needle in a haystack is concerned. Even if this guy doesn't turn out to be "my needle", he has definitely left me with nothing more to complain about. If someone asks me, "So? Have you met anyone yet?"...I'll giggle and politely answer, "I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. Did you see how much snow was out there today?"...hee hee...Cause though I'm sharing this with you because I think you may need to hear it, it is really no one's business at this point! I'll be sure to call everyone who is desperate to hear my sarcastic comeback under the guise of wanting the best for me, when I've gotten married in Tahiti! I'm certain that most of them will be utterly disappointed that my story has ended...but it will only be just beginning!
The 30something Single Girl's Survival Guide - https://www.createspace.com/3399344
More Like This
Recent Posts by caliaroze
Most Popular on BlogHer
Most Popular on Love & Sex
Recent Comments on Love & Sex