Why are coed birthday slumber parties for teens now "OK"?

Thanks for sharing, Alysia75,
I think you made so many good points. All teens struggle with making the right decisions because peer pressure is strong. I decided that staying overnight at the large party with so few chaperones did not make sense for my daughter. Her young age was a big factor, plus I only knew a few of the kids at the party.

Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

Co-ed slumber parties in middle school? Dear Lord is this what I have to look forward to in just a couple years?! I think what you did was the perfect compromise. Just because it was in a public place, that doesn't mean there would necessarily be nowhere to hide out. With 60 kids & 2 adults, it would be pretty difficult to keep track of who is in the bathroom, etc. I don't care if they were a bunch of science olympiad band geeks active in the church choir, you just never know what is going to happen.

Also, I'm not stupid and I realize teens have sex (I was one of those teens), but does that really mean it's something we as parents should encourage? Here's a newsflash: sometimes condoms don't work. Sometimes the pill doesn't work. Even the most responsible teen having sex runs the risk of pregnancy (just like anyone else having sex who hasn't had their body surgically altered to avoid pregnancy). That's an awfully huge consequence that most teens are not well equipped to deal with. I knew plenty of girls who had abortions in high school, and even 20 years later some still struggle with that decision. On the flip side, having a baby at that age...well many adults in committed relationships have trouble accepting the responsibilities of parenthood, let alone children having children, with no financial stability, no partner to share the parenting with, no education, etc. And I'm sure there are tons of examples of teen parents who made it work, but is that what anyone really wants, for themselves or for their children?

Alysia blogs about family life, parenting and other stuff at Michigal ( http://michigalmom.blogspot.com/ ).

Thanks for sharing, CroMom
I think peer pressure has created problems for generations. However, one new issue today is the added pressure from social media and other media. I know that will never change, so I can't hide the media from my kids. They use texting, FB and Twitter. I just hope they learn by example from their parents how to be thoughtful and responsible when using social media.

~Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

When I was in high school my mom never would have ok'd a co-ed sleepover. Although we did have them without her knowledge of course. On the other hand my brother who was 4 years younger than me was allowed to frequently have co-ed sleepovers with his group of friends. They were all very close (about 6 of them) and they slept over together all the time. None of them ever "hooked up" and it was truly a platonic type thing.

I am not sure what made it ok for my brother and not for me. Probably a combination of two things...my mom was worn down by me and my older brother and that I am a girl. Let's face it, sex is different for girls than boys.

Now in this scenario that you present, the group is super large and clearly too much for 2 chaperones to monitor. I'd think that some of the kids were going to be up to some kind of "no good". So I agree with the original writer, pull the plug on this now while you still have a voice that is heard here. WHen your daughter is in high school she'll probably ignore you. Hopefully you can instill the proper values now while she is still young - by proper I mean to respect herself until she is ready to have sex.

FYI- even with my sneaking around I managed to keep my virginity until I was 20 and in college. So all those co-ed slumber parties were platonic for me too.

CroMom

If your child feels supported by her/his parent in peer pressure events not emotionally equipped to handle then the child will learn by example. That child will learn to be self confident in the face of bullies. They also learn right from wrong in their life. I don't care if these kids are in high school or middle school - if the child is being bullied then it is not okay.

The Patty Beat can be found at  http://pattyabr.wordpress.com where The Fearless Cook resides ready to take on your most feared items in the kitchen.

Thanks for sharing, Patti. I agree that if parents make the tough decisions, then their kids can tell their friends it is "my moms fault." My only hope is that at some point my own kids figure out why I say no and learn to say it themselves to their friends.

~Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

Thanks for sharing, Sar. Fortunately lots of us uncool moms exist and somehow our kids manage to survive. When our kids realize they aren't alone, sometimes they catch a glimpse of just why we parent the way we do.

~Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

When my daughter was bullied at school to do things she didn't want to do but felt all this terrible peer pressure? I intervened, I said NO and it stopped her involvement. Teenagers are living on hormones and all this emotional drama fuels the fire into insanity.

A wise woman told me once that it was easier for a teenager to tell her friends that her mom wouldn't let her do unacceptable stuff. Let the mom be the uncool one. It takes the heat off the kid.

The Patty Beat can be found at  http://pattyabr.wordpress.com where The Fearless Cook resides ready to take on your most feared items in the kitchen.

My mom was the "uncool mom" all throughout junior high and high school--and I wouldn't have it any other way. To know that my mother cared about me more than anything (and was willing to let me know by holding me to higher standards than my friends' parents) means the world.

Sar

http://lovelovelovesar.blogspot.com

My mom was the "uncool mom" all throughout junior high and high school--and I wouldn't have it any other way. To know that my mother cared about me more than anything (and was willing to let me know by holding me to higher standards than my friends' parents) means the world.

Sar

http://lovelovelovesar.blogspot.com

Denise: Good points. I think it is impossible to guess what will happen at a party. In this case I only knew a few of the kids. I did not know the chaperones at all. As I mentioned in an earlier reply, I am assuming they were good chaperones. However, it seems like a major responsibility for 2 adults and such a large group.

As I mentioned, I loved summer camp at that age. But my counselors always seemed to be able to know what was going on ALL the time. I think they had eyes on the back of their heads. And had vulcan hearing. Plus the counselors made a big effort to get to know their campers.

~Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

As a middle school guest teacher, I have learned to be prepared for the unexpected--both the good and not so good behavior. Just when I think I understand a student, they end up surprising me. So I have given up guessing which kids will do what.
Also, at a large party like this I had no idea who was coming.

~Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

Cathy,

Your comment actually excited me. I like talking about this topic.

I just look around at our careless culture when it comes to sex. I truly think alot of girls are trying to get attention. There's alot of power in becoming a mother but I believe we err in tying sex soley bodily functions, marriage and religious mandates.

I feel like the next leg of the journey for our girls involves reconizing this connection and it power. I'd at least like to see where it can take us.

Thanks for reading :)

Heather blogs about Motherhood & Other Offensive Situations at http://www.ultimateoutcasts.com.

Kathykate: You said it so well. And with a sense of humor! When I wrote the post I was trying to bring up the issue of how to handle parenting when you end up being unpopular. And through the years I have come to realize, I don't really care if I make the popular choices--as long as I make smart choices for MY kids.
I am happy to join your mean moms club. Being uncool is hip!

Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

Elizabeth: I do not know the 2 parents who agreed to chaperone and that alone was a big issue in my mind. I assumed they were responsible parents--and possibly had done this before--however a group of 60 seemed too large.

~Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

You are right, middle school kids are very young. And at the same time, many of them are curious about sex. That is why I think it is so important for parents or guardians to help guide them to make smart and healthy choices.

~ Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

Heather: Thanks for your kind words and for sharing your story. You brought up some very important points about the physical and the emotional consequences.

~Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

As a lesbian who attended many girl only slumber parties and very few NO slumber parties... I can safely say that all-girls slumber parties did not prevent children from experimenting sexually.

Knowing this, I didn't outlaw any particular type of slumber parties but instead said "yes" or "no" based on who was in attendance, how many chaperones there were, and how ready my kids were to deal with situations that they might encounter - regardless of whether they encountered those situations with kids of the same, or different, gender.

The 60 kids with two chaperones - depends on the chaperones. Depends on the kids. I wouldn't immediately have said either yes, or no. Case by case. :-)

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

Sorry that my question made you feel sad! That was not my intent. I do agree that peer pressure (or any sort of pressure) to have sex is very sad.

Cathy  R.

Are these a group of good kids or a bunch of idiots you don't trust? Same with the parents who are chaperoning. I think that makes a huge difference in what your choice would be. It's not like they were holding it at their house where there are places to sneak off to.

I attended lots of "lock ins" at that age both school and outside activity related that weren't dens of sex or drinking. I also had a great co-ed group of friends in high school who used to go camping and crash at each others houses. Believe it or not, the kids having sex aren't doing it in a room with 58 other kids.

Welcome to the world of mean moms. I said no to my oldest in 8th grade; the party host mom didn't speak to me until our kids were in college. Not against teen sex; totally against, casual, let's put them all in a tent and see what happens experiment.

I'm the same mom dispensing condoms to virginity pledge card carrying high schoolers to afraid to talk to admit abstinence ain't cutting it.

That doesn't mean I'm corralling them altogether (in middle school no less!) for a free for all.

Welcome to the mean moms club. Happy to have you. And your kid will be happy as well, but won't know it until 18/19/20 in college.

Kathykate (p/t copywriter, f/t mom)

Diary of a Return-to-Work Mom ( http://www.returntoworkmom.com/ )

Oh OK. I was thrown off by the title of the post, "Why are coed birthday slumber parties for teens now "OK"?" so assumed it was a party for teens (13 to 19) not middle school kids.

Cathy  R.

First Chris, you are adorable. I love the plaque photo. That must be the one to put on the wall!

Cathy,

Even if the kids are in high school I think the saddest thing to hear is "what's wrong with it"? That's all I heard growing up, too. It was cultural stigma to be a virgin so I did it sooner than I was really ready.

Sex is not open-ended for many girls. Sex for sex's sake is utter nonsense and has consequences and pleasures -- one of the biggest is motherhood.

Connecting the act of sex to simply to "physical readiness" and has been the height of irresponsibility by our society. I really wish moms would be more of a guiding light on this issue.

Heather blogs about Motherhood & Other Offensive Situations at http://www.ultimateoutcasts.com.

Only 2 chaperones for any party of 60 plus kids is ridiculous in my opinion! That is large number of kids to keep track of even during the daytime.

I would not let my son spend the night either. Attend and come home early is an acceptable option.

Parenting often means being uncool. I now appreciate the fact that my parents were uncool and mean. I love the fact my mom said I could use her as an excuse to not do something, even if it was something she didn't really care if I did or didn't. I could always say "my mom won't let me" even if she would've.

Maybe some of y'all parents could offer to help chaperone for a little bit. Of course that would just up the Uncool factor!

Elizabeth

@texasebeth ( http://twitter.com/texasebeth )  and My Life, such as it is.... ( http://texasebeth.blogspot.com )

Cathy,

Middle school is usually 6th, 7th, 8th grade which makes the kids anywhere from 11-13 years old.

I know the author responded separately about the sex issue.

I just wanted to make sure you understood the age range she's talking about. Middle school is also Junior High depending on the district.

For me, middle school kids having sex is a different issue than high school kids. Darn it - 11-14 is too young!

Elizabeth

@texasebeth ( http://twitter.com/texasebeth )  and My Life, such as it is.... ( http://texasebeth.blogspot.com )

In case you were wondering, this post is about a middle school age daughter.

~ Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

I agree. Ultimately the parents are the ones with the responsibility of helping their own kids make good choices.

Raising kids is a complex issue. I used to think raising toddlers made me go crazy, but each year the kids get more and more "interesting"!

Thanks for letting me know what you think :)

~ Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

I think responding to your questions could happen in a brand new post. A while back, I did write two posts that address some of the issues related to teens and sex.

Check it out here on BlogHer:
1) Teen Sex Happens: More Often Than We Want to Admit
http://www.blogher.com/teen-sex-happens-more-often...

2) Sex Happens: What Do You Say If Your Teen Is Having Sex?
http://www.blogher.com/sex-happens-what-do-you-say...

Chris Olson
Freelance writer and illustrator
Momathon Blog: The 24/7 mommy marathon--on two feet or four wheels ( http://momathonblog.typepad.com/momathon_blog/ )

That is why they let you be a Mom. You need to do what works for you and your child!!

b

http://www.retireinstyleblog.com/2011/02/i-wish-i-... ( http://www.retireinstyleblog.com/2011/02/i-wish-i-... )

What is so darned awful about teenagers having sex if they do it in a safe protected manner when they both feel ready to do it? Is it the dangers of unsafe sex and your daughter being pressured into unwanted sex that worries you? Or is it a just a personal belief that having sex is not OK till you are a certain age? Just curious.

Cathy  R.