10 Valentine’s Day Romance Tips I WON'T Be Taking, Thanks

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I love love. I also happen to love Valentine’s Day, which opens me up to ridicule every single year from beloved friends and family, who totally don’t know how to get on board with celebrating every holiday to the max.

CB: I don’t understand why on earth you like this made-up holiday.

Me: I love love and I’m impervious to your judgment.

Me: It’s Valentine’s Day Week!

CB: Seriously? You’ve turned the one day into an entire week?

Me: Um yes. Have we met? This is how I roll. I love love.

However, I think maybe I’m doing love wrong, because I just read an article taken from 1001 Ways to Be Romantic, in which nearly every single “tip” about how to romance it up on Valentine’s Day left me realizing that either CB has gotten the tremendously short end of the stick, or perhaps people who write love tips don't have couples like us in mind.

You be the judge.

#1. Do things in a big way.

Here's a quote: "Craig liked doing things in a big way. He was a dramatic and loud (though lovable) kind of guy. Mary, on the other hand, was proper and quiet (and just as lovable). Craig sometimes criticized Mary for not being expressive or outrageous enough. Until ... one day when Craig returned home from a business trip and was greeted by Mary and two hundred forty-three members of the local high school marching band on their front lawn."

OK, a couple points to be made here. One, I appreciate the writer's drawing me in by giving names to this couple. Right away, I totally understand who Craig and Mary are, though I doubt she’s quite as lovable as he is. However, I’m unclear about just who would consider John Philip Sousa marches romantic. Nonetheless, I can appreciate the gesture that Mary is making here, and for that, she receives one point.

marching band drums
Image: Renee Silverman via Flickr

However, if I came home to a two hundred and forty-three-member marching band in CB’s studio apartment, a couple things would happen:

  • I’d immediately begin worrying for CB’s safety and wonder where he was, since he would likely be crushed by the tuba player who was layered up on top of the trombonist because his apartment is approximately 400 square feet.
  • I’d wonder where CB met a high school marching band in his free time and would perhaps have to begin a conversation about hobbies.

Either way, romance lost, moment ruined.

Moving on.

#2. Go through revolving doors together.

I basically just skipped right over this one because it’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. But let’s play this one out, just for kicks.

First of all, shoving yourself into a revolving door with your partner isn’t romantic. It’s mildly terrifying and probably a fire hazard. Also, you’d be so busy giving each other footing orders on how to properly make it through this moment alive and without face planting into the glass, that you’d totally forget that you were supposed to be sharing a romantic moment altogether.

Uh, and don’t even try to give each other a peck or anything. That’s just asking for a Bridget Jones moment, and you’re probably not even getting to kiss Colin Firth. Not worth it.

#3. Practice "even-day/odd-day" romance.

On even days it's your turn to be romantic, and on odd days it's your partner's turn.

Yeah, I’m just going to go ahead and say that this sounds way too close to a math story problem for me, and so I’d have to skip the love all around. Also, what if one of you was sick on your even/odd day? Does the other person take over romance duties? What if you’re too sick for romance? And then do you double-up? And then when do you decide who’s day it is after you’ve each done double-duty after you got over pneumonia?

It’s very complicated, gives me anxiety, and also sounds like something unsustainable – like dieting. Again, romance lost, no love for CB.

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