Why Christians Are Not The Boss Of Marriage

Marriage is most definitely not a Christian institution. Countless other religions have some sort of joining ceremony that could be called marriage that came long before Christianity.

The only difference between you and the "other" girls is you got pregnant and they didn't! They can keep on playing the self righteous "I'm a virgin game".

Wonder what the Virgin Mary thinks about abstinence!!! (Get it!?)

P.S. I keep saying this over and over everywhere, but it bears repeating because it confuses the heck out of U.S. Americans due to the way marriage is so often done in our country: Churches will NEVER have to marry ANYONE they don't want to marry. The right to civil marriage is NOT a "right" to any religious ceremony and never has been in the United States. Right now, a Catholic Church won't marry people who aren't Catholic (for just ONE example). And the state can't MAKE them, even though those two people, if they are opposite sexes, have a legal right to civil marriage. Queers are asking for civil marriage. Period. Some churches will ALREADY marry us in their religious traditions. Some never will, no matter what legal rights we obtain from the state.

The argument that same-sex marriage will ever step on religious rights is nothing but a misleading lie to confuse people about the issue.

Such an experience! My views have evolved over the years, not so much in the bottom line as in how I get to the bottom line.

As a transdyke, it is easy, it was easy, for me to aim a trebuchet back at the most vocal of Christians - the Pope, or any of the rightist leaders of the various sects in the US. They aimed at me, I aimed at them, and we did our daily shellings.

Now...it isn't Christianity any more than Muslims are the bogeypeople who are out to destroy life as we know it. People live within cultures, cultures large, cultures small, down to groups. These circles within circles each have their own rules and mores. I'd argue that the ill treatment of women in the Middle East (further out on the spectrum than ill treatment of women in the West) is cultural, not religion. Religion becomes the excuse, the crutch by which people try to explain away things like prejudices (or slavery 160 years ago.)

When I was young(er), sixties era, I took in these goofy mores. Marrying? Hold out fingers, count how many months from baby back to marriage. It was damn stupid. Pregnant and not married? Oh the shame, the shame! A friend was raped at 16, was pregnant, and was forced to have the child by her mom, then give up the baby for adoption. Not religion, culture.

Since we queers started trumpeting for marriage, we've had a low level war that seems to be fizzling as people realise it was all so much noise.

What it comes down to is people are people. People are prone to judgement. That means me, that means you, that means everyone. Some more, some less... and sometimes we learn to chill a bit and accept cultural evolution, especially when presented with kidlets who do things we would be mortified to do ourselves.

The better way is to watch our judgements. When we condemn, step back and self-quiz. Self, why are you thinking this way? Am I being as intransigent as those I condemn, in my own way? How can we bridge that divide such that we give each other space unencumbered by our judgements? When we do that, it is quite liberating.

This is a beautiful post.

The institution of marriage is so different when viewed through the lens of different cultures, religions, or even different periods in time. The "love match" that we think of for marriage today, wasn't always a given. Marriage was, and still is in some places, transactional. and the participants, particularly the bride, had little say over whether or not she was involved in the trade.

Marriages lasted a lifetime; the bride did not have the option of saying "you may not treat me that way." "I deserve better" wasn't even a consideration.

And the same arguments against extending equal rights to same-sex couples were made by Christian churches against legalizing inter-racial marriage. They claimed that the church would then be forced to perform marriages that wen't against their religious beliefs. But that is not what happened. In fact, to this day some Christian churches still refuse to marry couples who are not of the same race.

Brilliant.

I'd also add that there are many ways to be a Christian that don't include judging others' sexuality, straight, queer, inside or outside of marriage. I'm so sorry your experience was so abusive.

Marriage was not recognized by early Christianity at all. It was a state contract and not considered part of the kingdom the early Christians figured was on its way any minute. It was a few generations into the Church before the institution started BLESSING civil marriages (not marrying directly). Often, a marriage would take place just outside a church, then the newly married couple would go in for a blessing. Sometimes you'll see Shakespeare refer to getting married "at the church door," for an example of how this used to work.

During the Reformation, some of the more radical protestants, along with rejecting Christmas and other liturgical year celebrations (like the Mayflower Puritans did), also rejected marriage within the Church, thinking it was a profane, not a sacred institution.

So all this nonsense gay-marriage detractors throw around about how marriage is some ancient and religious thing is completely out of touch with any real knowledge of church history.

Personally, I think marriage should become a strictly personal (religious if you want, family-friends w/o religion if you want) decision/commitment. I think the state should offer unrestricted rights of contracting between consenting adults for the various rights and responsibilities now packaged in marriage.

For more on that idea, see: http://beyondstraightandgaymarriage.blogspot.com/

Great post! So much to comment on...

One thing I keep coming back to is this line "They call it “living in sin”. But you don’t stop living in sin once you get married, I can assure you. […] The piece of paper will not guarantee the level of maturity and wisdom required for a peaceful, non-combative partnership, but the way the church carries on you’d think a marriage license was some kind of diploma for emotional intelligence."

I don't understand the concept of Christians placing judgement on other Christians. The comment your youth pastor said to you?! WOW! How hurtful. "Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone" John 8

I hope wherever you are you have found peace in all of this. Thank you for sharing your story! Sending hugs your way :)

Great post.. What upsets me about most of the institutional religions is the judgment cast on others. I'd much rather see a system where there was a civil marriage ceremony that conferred all the legal benefits/commitment of marriage and then a religious ceremony, if that's what the couple wanted. That religious ceremony and the bounds they place on marriage would be up to the particular institution.

I seriously do not need a Church dictating what my marriage should look like.

ripper... well written, thoughtful and honest...people ask me all the time why I am not (and deliberately never have) married and a close friend responded it's because 'she believes in it so much that she cannot participate in the farce it has become'.... and I usually respond it's one less piece if paper I have to sign and pay for, to prove something I already know - a bit like my drivers licence, except I can get fined for not having one of those :)......and of course my all time favourite line is ...never mind God blesses sinners too!

You are right that marriage was not instituted just for Christians. Marriage was instituted by God for all people in Genesis 2:24-26. God has given this institution to all people (it is what is called "common grace") - but it does have a definition. Marriage is between one man and one woman. This prohibits people of the same sex from marrying, as well as multiple marriage partners. You certainly cannot control all the moral decisions people make, but you also cannot redefine what constitutes marriage.

And by the way, "Christianity" has not left us. If you are going to follow Christ, then you need to follow His religion and way of life. If you don't adhere to biblical "Christianity," then what Christ are you following?

Very powerful piece! Well said!

So well said!

You probably grew up in a very small community where the local church is the only game in town :( In big cities, there is a tough competition for church-goers and they exercise more common sense and understanding especially when working with young congregation.

This is why I have my reservations about religion & church. Now this statement will have a lot of Christians judging my statement already but so be it. My annoyance with religion is that it is ultra judgemental & intrusive. Having a child out of wedlock, cohabitating, & whatever else, should not the be business or concern of anyone except for the individuals whom are in that relationship. The world will not be more dangerous or immoral because two people decided they want to be together.

Just like you stated "Christians are not the boss of marriage"! The biggest misconception that people have is the belief that marriage began as a divine institution. It did not! The Christian church was uncertain towards its position about marriage. Therefore marriages were not performed by the church but by the families. It wasn't until the church started to expand its power that they exercised their control over marriage & people could only be married by a priest.

Knowing that, I could personally careless about marriage because it wasn't the idea of religions but of regular people. Whether I want to be married or not & have a child out of wedlock is my decision & I wouldn't care about anyone's judgement of me. It's my life & I will not allow for anyone to dictate its direction.

Excellent thoughts, thanks for sharing. One question though...Why do remain a Christian when it is obvious that it causes you so much angst? It is obvious that Christianity has left you a long time ago.

"But you don’t stop living in sin once you get married, I can assure you."

This is the most brilliant sentence I've read in days. I had my daughter at 17 & the last 13 years have been trying to prove wrong all those things that were said to/about me when I was pregnant. My heart hopes your heart can cast those ugly moments behind you. Our lives & our time with our children is too short!

(A blog post hasn't made me want to hug someone so hard in a long time!)

A well - written piece to be sure. I would just like to see the day when people of any religion respect the rights and (non) beliefs of others. You don't have to belong to a religious sect to be a good and committed person. I have many friends who have committed relationships, children,and mortgages, and who have been together much longer than most "legal" marriages. They are devoted to their partners and their lifestyle, but see no reason to declare their commitment to the world. (For the record, I have been "legally" married for 21 years.)

We're not all Christians, even in the USA; indeed, we're not all "believers".

I understand that any church has the right to deny its services to anyone it deems unworthy, but given the hypocrisy we are seeing in certain churches at the moment, is it any time to be casting stones?

Wow, beautiful well thought out article! I'm a Christian, and no matter how deeply I seek to be like Jesus and follow His teachings, ultimately I'm still quite the sinner. I'm so sick that your church treated you so horribly and heartbroken that I see it happen all the time. I've been a youth leader for years and have had several students get pregnant. Not once have I even considered having them apologize to the youth group or the church, but I'm shocked how many times it has been suggested to me. My response has always been "As soon as you're ready to go confess all your sins to the congregation you're welcome to suggest they do the same." That usually shuts them up.

I really seek to protect students from that kind of un-Christlike behavior because it blurs the line between a beautiful faith relationship with a loving God and a judgemental and harsh religion that in no way represents the truth. Thank you for your honesty in shedding some light on an ugly reality.

Jo, This is the most articulate statement about one of the major issues of our society today! Thank you so much for your thoughtful and thought provoking writing on this subject. I am hoping it is okay to print it out and post it on my locker at work, a wonderful, Catholic based hospital where I'm sure this perspective would provoke many interesting dialogues. Excellent!

Hi Jo. Wow, you have a lot here. I served as a pastor of a Lutheran congregation, so I feel like I have something to add here. First, let me apologize for how you were treated. You were trying to "make it right" and were approached with hesitancy instead of support and encouragement.

Some of my pastoral colleagues advocate not marrying a couple who is living together. My personal approach in pre-marital counseling has been to talk to the couple about it, but I have done it in the context where everyone brings some baggage and some sin to marriage. That included me when I got married. We all have things in our lives we need to repent of. I have encouraged couples (this is privately in premarital counseling, not publicly) to think about this issue of living together and having sex outside of marriage in this context and to consider bringing it to God in confession so as to start marriage with a fresh start. If they would like to having a private time of confession and a spoken word of God's forgiveness with me as pastor, I am available for that, but do not require it. I think it's important to acknowledge the unchanging standards of the Bible but in a way that is not hypocritical for all of us have made mistakes and have sins that we bring into marriage...including the sins of anger and unkindness that you mention.

The Church has every right to have standards for Christian marriage. The government marriage is a separate legal matter, but the Church marriage is a faith commitment based on faith principles and people should not demand to have it as they want it. It must be based on the faith. This would be true in Islam with a Muslim marriage and it is true in Christianity with a Christian marriage. However, I feel strongly that the way a pastor communicates the teaching is very important and must be pastoral, kind and loving. This does not preclude speaking a hard word to a couple (which is also needed in the case of other sins besides sexual ones), but it does mean the way we say things is important.

I disagree with people who will not marry a couple who is living together. It's impractical. Some people have no where to go to move out. And so we leave them in the sin of premarital sex rather than helping them avoid it. I have encouraged a couple to stop having sexual relations prior to their marriage but there is no way I can know for sure what is going on in private. I give thanks when they are doing what is right and committing to each other in the marriage ceremony.

Thank you for sharing your experience of premarital counseling. It's helpful to hear what people have experienced, shared honestly and how what is said in counseling is perceived. Those conversations are awkward for a pastor and we don't always know how to approach them. Your words can help us do better.

Thank you, Jo, for this thoughtful and excellent post. Your reasoning can be applied to many other issues that Christians think they are the boss of, like who can have babies, or who can adopt babies.

This was the best piece of writing I have seen in a very long time. Raised in a Catholic household / town the *guilt* that comes along with that environment is crushing. Marriage belongs to people, not the Bible.

Jo, thank you for such a thought-provoking piece! Many of us need to hear this message.

First of all, I understand your frustrations with the church. Seeing several hypocrisies in various ones I've attended, as well, I feel your pain and pray that these churches will be able to someday see the error of their ways, and I continue to keep them in my prayers.

Second, I think you have an excellent point that people other than Christians can love and marry. Many of us forget this because we assume, like your blog states, that we control who is legally (maybe morally?) married in God's eyes.

Finally, although I appreciate your enthusiasm for supporting human rights and informing Christians of their need for more Christian-like love and kindness, I think you may need to dig deeper in your studies of marriage. Yes, Adam and Eve were not married under Judaic law, or by Hindu law, or Christian law, or any other law. However, they were created in the image of God and represented His interaction with his bride, the Church (we humans). Essentially, marriage is a picture of God's love for us. Therefore, it is still a God-made institution, and as such we need to view it from that standpoint. Definitely, however, should we as Christians NOT claim it as our own invention: it was God's. It is not ours to control: it's God's. To say anything else is blasphemous.

I hope my thoughts give you something more to think about. I greatly enjoyed reading this post and plan to read more from you in the future.