Why Do Men Cheat?

“D-day” – commonly known as the day the allied troops landed on Normandy beaches, changing the entire course of WWII and the world as we know it. Fittingly, this is the term relationship counselors use to describe the day you find out your spouse has cheated.

On my D-day, I couldn’t make sense of anything. It was as if I had lost all ability to string logic together, and the only thought I was capable of forming was a single word.

Why?

If you want more sex, I am down. If you want variety of women, then buy me a fucking wig and call me Sandra. If you want to have your cake and eat it too, I’ll bake for you damnit. Don’t go down to prostitue candyland, my goodies are of much higher quality.

It plagued me for months, and it plagues some women for years. What in the hell is so wrong with me and my vagina that he needed twelve others to supplement? (Answer: Nothing. Your vagina is fine, and you should be glad that you don’t have thirteen.)

Saturday night, I met a cute boy. We talked intimately for at least ten minutes, and there was great chemistry happening. When he had to leave, he took out his phone. ”Did you put your number in there?” he asked.

Something about his phrasing was very off to me. “No. You never asked me to.” I replied.

He said he wouldn’t ask, but he wanted it. I specified that he needed to ask.

Suddenly, his voice began to stutter. ”I’m sorry,” he said “I went down a road that I shoudn’t have gone down. You are so beautiful, but I can’t ask for you number. You are amazing and I am so sorry.”

And then he was gone.

What is so wrong with me? I thought for the thousandth time. Being the appropriate level of drunk for an emotional breakdown, I started to cry in the middle of the bar. Then, after a pep talk from my dear friends Amanda and Hunter, it was clear: absolutely nothing was wrong with me. This man was spoken for by another woman.

So why did he risk whatever beautiful woman he has at home and step into this dangerous gray area?

From all of the lame excuses, counseling, and even the infidelity retreat I went to with my ex (romantic getaway, let me tell you), I have pieced together a top three list of why I think this happens. It may not apply to all cases, but there is a hopping bar scene and a cheater’s retreat full of men (and women) who prove me right.

Men cheat because:

…they like variety. A result of pure Darwinism. They are programmed to spread their seed around like fucking pixie dust. It doesn’t make sense to us females because let’s face it – who wants to be pregnant as many times as possible? Only that Duggar lady. No one else.

…they are bored. When porn became commonplace to my unemployed ex-husband, he needed a new hobby to practice while I was at work. Apparently, dating other women barely edged out crocheting. Oh, how I wish it had gone the other way. Think of all the sweaters I could have.

…they can.  “I didn’t think I would get caught.” That is what my ex told me over and over again when I asked him why. Funny how he thought he was smart enough to fool me for the rest of our lives, yet was dumb enough to save the receipt from a hotel room he paid for in cash. Once the gray area is entered, most people think they can get away with cheating. This is because in all truth, they already have. It’s pathetic, it’s terrible, and it’s true.

So how do we stop it? Role play as his third grade teacher? Make him a balloon animal so he doesn’t get bored? Microchip his ass?

As helpful and legitimate as these solutions are, it is my opinion that there is only one way to stop a man from cheating. Find a good one. A really, really good one.

But even if he cheats, know that in all likelihood, he would have cheated on anyone.

It’s not you, it’s him.

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