Many go through
life confused and in a daze. Is this the way we should be or is this
the way we are expected to be? In either case here is my explanation of
why we should be who we are... naturally. No pretense.

Who does
it benefit to be who we are? It helps others to feel good about
themselves in front of other people. Isn't that being fake? Yes... to a
certain extent. Many of us women take on rolls from the time we are
young playing with dolls or playing house or playing nurses or doctors
or teachers. As we grow we become the things either our parents wanted
us to be or we fail. And then we perceive our selves as failures for a
long time. Why do we hurt ourselves so much?

Why is it that we
have set such high expectations of ourselves for the sake of what it
appears to the rest of the world. Maybe it's for our parents, siblings.
I know my parents did the very best they could with what they
experienced in their lives. I didn't get the chance to talk to my Mom
before she passed in 1998. But even though she is not here I know she
knows everything I have gone through and she is proud of me. My Dad is
just my Dad... we talk but not as much now that I have moved away. I
know he loves me and wants only the best for me. I was not running away
from anyone or anything, I was running to my future, as I look back
now. Things happen to everyone everyday, what should matter is
"OURSELVES" and what WE think about our life. Granted parents do the
best with what they can in raising their kids. No one is given a book
on how to be the ideal parent, parenting is a hard job and one not to
be entered lightly. I did the best I could with what was available to
me at the time. I love all my children equally and uniquely because
they are their own person. Thank God I realized this before I did too
much damage...LOL (LOL=Laughing Out Loud). The more I think about this
(parenting and life) it does not only pertain to women, but men also.
In my situation and in my life I was never told it is my choice. I was
raised not to walk away from a relationship, because of the kids. To
stay and take whatever is happening and bare it with as much grace as
possible. I did my best. So I just accepted what was happening in my
life and went with the flow of things good or bad. And believe me when
I say it got bad. I took the hard way out. I left when my son told me
"Mom why do you stay with him?" That one sentence my son said made me
realize, how many mistakes I had made in life and theirs by staying.
Out of the mouth of babes, well this babe was 18 years old. I still
remember when I told him my answer, I said "Son I stayed for you all."
And his response was "well now is your time to be free to live a good
life we are all grown and can take care of ourselves". All I could do
was cry. I was mostly crying I realize now for all the time I had
wasted. And in hind sight that's not such a bad thing because it is
through those mistakes that has made me who I am today.

I have
had to learn alot late in my life. From love, to religion and politics.
Funny, yepp, sure is; but... I have learned and I have grown for the
better. I was born and raised a Catholic. I got most of my spiritual
faith in God from my Grandmother's. Because it was they who mostly did
the raising in our family because my parents had to work to put a roof
over our heads and pay bills. Just as today it takes both parents to
run a household. And even with all of that going on I walked around
most of my life with a chip on my shoulder. I was always cold to other
people who I didn't have direct contact with or that had anything to do
with my world. Which is not a good thing. Because I have learned "We
are Our Brother's Keeper." Literally.

Not only am I a woman. I
am a mother, friend, soul mate, thinker, homemaker, writer, I am a
Spiritual Being. Who knows no limit to God's Love for each and everyone
of us. Who believes that all faiths that are truly of God are of Love
and Peace. I no longer take my days as they come but I have learned to
live in gratitude for all that I have now and I have opened my life for
more good to come my way. I released all the negative in my life. I had
to or I would still be all alone today. It was a slow process but it is
do-able. It all starts with the first step. Forgiveness is the main
thing we have to focus on, because if we can not forgive the hurts how
can we expect to go forward in life... Un-forgiveness effects
everything we come into contact with including anything we want to have
happen that could be of benefit to us. It can poison every aspect of
our life. It stifles us. It chokes off all the good that could come.
But this state of un-forgiveness is what blocks it.

I did a
ceremony of sorts (both mentally and literally)... I wrote down all my
hurts and after each one (be it person, or thing that caused me pain or
hurt) I wrote... "I release you and I set you free. I forgive you for
not being who I wanted you to be. I forgive you for hurting me and I
Now accept me just as I am perfect and complete. For this I Thank
you,For giving me my new self. I am free to love and be loved. I am
free to go to places I have never been to before. I am free to live as
I see fit to live. I am worthy of all the good that comes to me now and
all ways. I am free to just be me. I am free! And I love Me!" I rolled
it up and I cut it up and I burned it. With this came the feelings of
all the hurts passed, tears came to my eyes and you know what they
weren't bad tears. I was crying for all the time I had wasted in
keeping all the hurt within me for so long. I now live in a world that
is ever changing and one in which I am forever greatful for. I hope
this story I am sharing with you all helps if not sheds a light for you
to share with someone who may need to read this. Please by all means
share it and do so with my Blessings! Take care of you! Because you are
all you have. You only live once. Be proud of who you are and what you
are willing to become!

~~~~Jenn~~~