Why I (almost) Want to be a Soap Opera Character

I am going to come right out and admit it. About once a month when I realize that both kids are napping at the same time, the laundry is done, supper is prepared and the kitchen is clean, I sit on the couch with a coffee and catch a few minutes of (*gasp) a daytime soap opera. Young and the Restless is my poison. To be clear, this is not a daily occurrence. But when I have a chance to indulge my guilty pleasure, I can't resist the show's fashion, hair styles, and story line that is like looking through a window into my own life....

Whether it be a sick day spent on the couch or a day you need a few minutes of down time, just about every woman I know tunes into a daytime soap occasionally, you just might not admit in writing. Friends who adamantly claim they have never stooped to this form of entertainment usually proceed to ask me if Sharon is still in jail or if Victor and Nicki Newman are still married. If you thought it was funny that Joey from Friends played Dr. Drake Ramoray on Days of Our Lives, or for that matter the connection Jennifer Aniston has to Days, then you may as well stop denying it now - you have watched at least one soap episode in your day.

Daytime soap operas are not that much different from their sisters: the prime time soap operas. I never understood why one is embarrassed to watch Days of Our Lives while simultaneously never missing an episode of Desperate Housewives. I wonder if it is because with one you drink coffee while watching, while the other it is socially acceptably to drink wine? (Don't look at me for which beverage matches which show, I have been known to get them mixed up.)

The last time I tuned in I caught myself wondering how fun it would be to be a soap opera character. Laughing Mom's Top 10 Reasons Why I want to be a Soap Opera Character was born.

Photo of Soap Opera Character Sharon Newman
The Y&R character Sharon Newman (played by Sharon Case). www.fanpix.net.

10. Where else is it perfectly acceptable to marry your ex-father in law, turning your son's grandfather into his step dad?

9. You get to get married again and again and again.Think of how many times you get to wear a beautiful wedding dress!

8. You are super rich. Even the poor characters strike it rich pretty quickly.

7. When you have a baby, you deliver him/her safely in cool places - like a stalled elevator or a cabin in the woods.

6. You are in perfect shape but no one ever sees you work out. (You never eat, sleep or need to use the bathroom either.)

5. No matter what the situation, your hair, makeup and clothing are impeccable.

4. If you step out of character, people still know you as that character. For example, the host of The Biggest Loser is Sami Brady from Days of Our Lives. I don't think she has a real name.

3. You never age. Victor Newman (Y&R) has always been old, but he has stayed the same old for what has to be 30 years. Jennifer Horton (Days of out Lives) has the identical hair color and cut I coveted when I was in high school. How is this possible? Do soap opera sets exist on a plain where time stands still?

2. No matter where you go, you always know everyone there. You can't go for coffee at the coffee house or dinner at the 'club' without running into either your best friend or your arch enemy.

1. It is normal, nay, it is expected, that you date a whole bunch of super hot men. (Challenge accepted!)

Unfortunately, all of their beauty and riches don't come without a price. Soap opera characters' children grow up extremely quickly. Within a matter of weeks a newborn becomes a toddler. Before you know it he is off to boarding school, only to return home a month later a teenager. Summer trips to Europe age teenagers into young adults. There is even a name for this affliction which plagues soap opera children: Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome or SORAS.

My newborn is going to be 6 months old next week. I promised myself I was going to savor every single baby moment with him. But in a blink of an eye he has out grown all of his newborn clothes and is only waking up once a night. While I appreciate the extra sleep, I miss the extra snuggles. My toddler has decided he no longer wants to sit on my lap and be rocked for bedtime stories. He now wants to sit up in bed and 'read' with me. They are both growing up so fast at regular speed, I can't imagine them being afflicted with SORAS.

While I am missing out on a lot of drama, beauty, and riches, I think I'll stick with my first husband and enjoy my children (in regular time).

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