Why I Don't Watch My Kids' Weight

My daughter is only five and I already worry about what people will say about her weight - she is currently UNDERweight for her age - she is probably the smallest in her class, and I wonder whether she just has a high metabolism. Anyway, I worry because I pretty much let her eat whatever she wants within reason - ice cream every other night? Sure! Pop-Tarts for breakfast? Why not! Regardless of what we look like on the outside, I worry I'm not doing enough to make her healthy on the inside. I want her to love her body no matter what, but I really need to do better with teaching her how to take care of her own body so she will love it as best she can..

I believe it is almost impossible to bring up a child's weight as a negative or a thing to be worried about in a way that will not ultimately harm the child.

Anecdotally, one of my most painful childhood memories is of my mother sitting me down to have that 'it's time to start watching what you eat' talk. I was eight or nine.

I internalized the shit out of that (and my mother's general concern about weight in relation to herself). I hated myself. I spent hours in the bath pulling at all the fat on my body and crying and *hating* myself. I was cutting myself by the time I was ten.

Incidentally, I did not grow up to be overweight (or eating disordered, miraculously). Not that it would have been bad if I had or that it would have been okay for my mother to have that talk with me - but there wasn't even any foundation for that fear she had. At all. All I learned was how to dislike myself. It took me years to unlearn all the shit I internalized about the inadequacy and ugliness of my body.

The risk of the child internalizing concern about weight, even lovingly expressed concern, as a negative or a judgment on their worth is too great to bother.

As someone who had anorexia by the time she was 12 and struggled with weight for a long time, I thank you for this. I wish this would be xeroxed and handed out at PTA meetings instead of the "war on obesity" leaflets. We should be telling our kids--and our adults, for that matter!--that they need to be healthy and in control of their own bodies; not that they need to be at any certain weight.

Just about everyone I know had some sort of parental heckling about weight when they were growing up. I had a friend who was told she couldn't visit again until she lost 5 pounds. I had an aunt who clucked her tongue and told me that I wouldn't fit into my dance costumes--when I was in fact already anorexic, could see my ribs and was sleeping through class because I was tired from not eating. I could go on and on...and the point is that every one of us grew up with distorted body image and unhelpful ideas about weight and food. What would have happened if our parents had taken this approach and just concentrated on helping us be healthy and proud of our bodies? It would have turned out quite differently, I would wager!

So anyway, thank you for adding this important article to the dialogue. Parents and other adults need to understand that health and weight are two different things, and that raising healthy (emotionally and physically) kids depends a lot on how they feel about themselves.

I just wanted to post a comment of support. I think what you're doing is fabulous, and I hope it encourages more parents to do the same!

I don't tell my kids that eating certain foods or not exercising will make them fat. In fact, they have some pretty wild fantasies and interesting ideas about what makes some people fat and some people thin.

However, I do talk to them about habits that will make them healthy or unhealthy. We say that eating too much of certain types of food can make you sick. We explain that you need lots of exercise and fresh air so that your body and mind work well and so that you can sleep well at night. We explain that they need fresh fruits and vegetables, healthy grains, and proteins to stay healthy and have energy.

I think that it is important to teach our children about good health, but I don't think that needs to be tied to a message about the way their body looks.

Annie @ PhD in Parenting ( http://phdinparenting.com/ )

As a single girl with no children who has struggled for more than seven years with a combination eating disorder, THANK YOU for this post. This is honestly the most beautiful thing I've read in ages. My parents never meant any harm when they talked to me about my weight, but their words DID harm me. The pressure to be thin, combined with a personality predisposed to compulsive behavior and anxiety, resulted in the battle I have waged for truly more than a decade of my life. I hope that moms will read this and take it to heart. The best thing you can do is teach your children to trust their bodies, and that's exactly what you're doing. Thank you, thank you, thank you for this. And for being you!

Your children are lovely, adorable little people and I am impressed by your parenting decision about this. They are beautiful just as they are. I think it is spectacular that your children will probably grow up valuing themselves for many things (intelligence, compassion, good character, strength) and not just on the basis of their looks. Very, very comendable!

Jennifer Z.

Blogging on juggling rural New York home life with Manhattan worklife here at http://www.blogher.com/member/jenniferz 

Well, it seems to me that you have entirely missed the point of my post. I have clearly spoken here about encouraging my children to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full, and modeling to them that physical activity is something fun and worth doing.

With regards to your niece, how much more would she benefit from one person--her aunt, perhaps--teaching her that her body is fantastic and worth caring for, instead of being one more voice telling her there is something wrong with it?

I wish there had been none in my house either.

It also occurred to me last night that not only am I not 'letting' my kids be obese, I'm protecting them from the one thing that is most guaranteed to lead them down that path.

Thank you for pointing out that being thin is not a ticket to good health. You handled the reply about "letting them become obese" with grace. High five!

I wishwishwish there had been no weight/fat talk in my house. I've made it so in mine, but it was a big mind-meld-change for me!

Family Section Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

I'll have to respectfully disagree that the social norm is that beautiful comes in all shapes and sizes. The first lady of the United States has declared a war on fat kids, for Pete's sake.

You are absolutely right, though, when you say that health problems come in all shapes and sizes. Being thin is not a lottery ticket to perfect health.

My post doesn't talk about 'letting' my kids become obese. It talks about trusting them to know when they are hungry, providing them with a wide variety of nutritious foods, and encouraging them to exercise. I highly recommend Dr. Linda Bacon's Health at Every Size. Study after study has shown that significant, long term weight loss--or any attempt to manipulate the size of body you were genetically blessed with--is nearly impossible. But being healthy, or healthier, is something that anyone at any size can attain. That's what I want for my kids. Health and fitness at whatever size their bodies are.

I am 100 percent positive that my body is bigger than my genetics call for because I messed up my metabolism trying for 30 years to be smaller than I was meant to be. That came thanks to everyone from my parents to coaches telling me, regularly, that I would be perfect if I was just a little smaller. Or that I was on the verge of being fat, so I needed to be careful not to let that happen. I've protected my kids from that kind of destructive talk and I believe they are healthier because of it.

There is a difference between not worrying about a childs weight, and letting them become obese. Worrying about hurting a child's self image and self esteem does nothing, if they ruin their body, and their image in the process. I know that the social norm today is that beautiful comes in all shapes and sizes. Yes, this is true, however health problems come in all shapes and sizes, and with many of these health problems it starts with how we let our children become over weight...

A mom, a lover of life, and a follower of God...

http://chunkymonkeybackyardfarm.wordpress.com/

I am not a mom, but I loved your post so much that I wrote my own blog response to it:

When Your Body Changes ( http://talesfromclarkstreet.blogspot.com/2011/06/w... )

Blondie writes at Tales From Clark Street ( http://www.talesfromclarkstreet.blogspot.com/ ).

Hello. what an interesting multi-faceted topic. I'm inclined after reading the post and all the comments most toward Diana's sentiment. My generation didn't have to deal with the obesity issues facing adolescents today for a variety of reasons; my own struggles with anorexia were concomitant with those of Karen Carpenter. My small Iowa community didn't even have a name or a therapist for such a phenomenon. Being a "big girl" is just what happened, not because I was big-boned but because of how I treated food, and inevitably, myself. I am recovering and have maintained health and wellness for over two decades.

Flash forward from angsty fasting teen to concerned aunt of today. My 11-year old niece is overweight. She easily stands apart from the rest of her age group, and the research about early-maturing girls and female tween social groups in general shows that she is going to have (and IS having) a rough time of it. Her mother, an overweight woman, died from breast cancer two years ago.

My brother wasn't overweight when he was dating and they married. My niece wasn't overweight when she was born (she was, as doting relatives would say, perfect). My sister-in-law's parents weren't overweight. Her siblings weren't overweight. While she may have inherited the shape of her body from her parents, a variety of environental factors lead her to become overweight.

And my brother and niece became oveverweight due to their relationship to food and exercise changing with her growing influence while she was alive. She would reward my niece with starchy food instead of non-food items in all situations and she would caution my niece against exerting herself too much (telling her to slow down if she was running, if she got red or sweaty--as if these weren't normal kid activities). That she promoted this and my brother allowed it reveals a misguided tyranny on her part and a profound weakness on his. Yet my sister-in-law was forever on a (failed) diet. She didn't get the connection of how to really live more healthfully. Now my brother and niece are left with minimal tools to deal with their growing girths. And it's just not healthy. It is the elephant in the room when my sister and I visit. My sister has two children around the same age, and they are at health weights. My overweight niece has been sicker far more often than my other nieces, and I have seen her spirit sink under the weight of--her weight. We err, I think, when we don't address that which needs it--and we don't teach our children from the get-go how to have healthy relationships with food and themselves. We certainly need to be corrective when the problems manifest. She shows signs of pre-diabetes, and my overweight brother has chronic illness, too. I know this isn't about genetics--it's about our choices as kids and the guidance we give or don't give as stewards of our own kids.

When I was younger my grandmother would fill my plate to the brim with food. She would yell at me for not finishing my plate. After the meal was over (and my plate was empty) my grandfather would comment on how fat I was getting and how I should lose the weight.

I never want that to happen to my children. They will eat when they are hungry, never forced, and as a mindless task.

I don't tell my kids that I'm eating a particular way, or on a particular diet (even though I am). I don't say that I'm fat or that this dress looks awful on me (even though I may think it). I remember my mom saying those things and feeling sorry that she felt that way about herself.

Now, I have a daughter that's relatively thin, and a stepdaughter that's struggling with her weight. I am constantly telling my sisters not to tell my daughter she is skinny, because I think that's just as bad. And on the flip side I see my stepdaughter bring dragged to nutrition classes at 12 years old (ugh) :( All I can do is set a good example and be as encouraging as I can. And maybe give them fruits and veggies for a snack! :)

http://mustbeliberating.blogspot.com/

Oh, boy, do I get it midlife. My son has Asperger's Syndrome and has impulse control issues as well. He's 17 now, so I've been dealing with it for a long time. One thing that has helped is if, for instance, I see him grabbing food right after a big meal, I'll say something like, "are you hungry?" Sometimes it's enough to kind of redirect his thoughts, and he'll realize he isn't. But, even with him, I force myself to trust him. I don't see how he'll ever be able to trust himself if I don't.

The last part of your comment absolutely made my day. This is why I put myself out there, for the chance that just one person will read what I write and connect with it.

A small note, though--only your daughter can increase her exercise level. Give her lots of opportunity, keep movement fun and do it with her, and I bet she'll do just that.

I agree but have a child with impulse control issues due to ADHD which results in overeating. She doesn't listen to her internal hunger like other kids. She simply can't control her impulse to grab food, of which carbs are her "go to" food. I'm trying to keep less carbs in the house and deal with her yelling how I don't buy her the food she wants. And I need to increase her exercise level and model more of it, for sure. I appreciate the comment to "never" have the weight discussion, because I've been tempted many a time. I will now banish it from my thoughts.

I didn't wake up to the messages I was sending my little girl (6) through my treatment of my own body, until she'd already absorbed some of the negative associations I made with fat and internalised them.

She's all of about 5lb bigger than BMI charts say she should be for her (prodigious) height, and an impressively muscular, fit, sturdy girl. But she already thinks about her body sometimes in terms of whether she is fat or not, between my influence when she was 3 and 4 and the influence of children at school. I have one of the hardest jobs in my life, 'deprogramming' what I have inadvertently done, but things are getting better and better.

I applaud your stance, Shaunta. I feel that if I look after my daughter's emotional wellbeing and continue to provide her with the tools for a healthy body - a balanced variety of food and a balanced attitude toward it, and role modelling and encouraging an active lifestyle - her body will do what it is meant to do. Simple as that.

I honestly don't believe that there is any positive, non-hurtful way to sit a kid down and say "we need to talk about your weight."

I'm saying this as a fat person, as a parent and as a licensed counselor.

I absolutely do not allow anyone--anyone--to talk to my children about their weight. I wouldn't allow a doctor to do it. I wouldn't allow a teacher to do it. No one.

If I was concerned about my kids' health, I would address the health concern. I don't equate health and weight, because my research shows me that they aren't equatable.

Here's the reality in my family: My husband and I and my ex-husband, who is the father of my teenage children), all weigh over 300 pounds. None of us come from families of fat people. All of us had parents who thought that they were doing the right thing by talking to us about our weight. The result, in all three cases, was weight obsession, disordered eating and, clearly, obesity.

My 18-year-old daughter looks like I looked at her age. Her body is the same as mine was then. She is not slender or fat--she's just a medium-sized girl. Most importantly, she has no body image hang ups. I was not slender, despite being a serious athlete and pathologically obsessed with my weight, what I ate and how many calories I burned off during training.

In other words--all the talking to me, all the warning me, all the loving discussion did not change my body. What it did was make me feel like some kind of monster, even though no one was overtly mean about it.

I wish I knew anyone--anyone--for whom discussion of their weight in the home was a positive thing.

All kids need exercise and healthy foods. Fat ones, skinny ones and all of them in between. Discussion of someone's weight doesn't make them skinnier. Encouragement to move because it's fun and eat healthy foods because they taste good makes everyone healthier.

In fact, if you're worried about your kids weight, starting a family tradition of an after dinner bike ride and not bringing junk food into your house will do the same things whether or not you give your kid the fat talk.

As long as your child is in a healthy weight range, I see no reason not to let them be kids and eat when they want, play when then want and do all the things a kid does. and it sounds like your kids are healthy. However, if your child fell into an "obese" category, I hope you would monitor eating and exercise habits more.

I agree also with your last part about living a healthy lifestyle yourself and avoiding diet books and fat talk. I have a friend with a 5yo who I was recently spending time with and she began to "fat talk" in front her 5 yo. I was shocked because children, particularly young girls, learn this from their mothers. When her daughter left the room, i confronted her and she became outraged saying she had done no such thing. Obviously I dropped it then and there. I would never want to give a friend parenting advice or ruin a friendship over an argument such as that. But my point is, young girls are very impressionable, and your habits healthy or not will wear off on them.

Sounds like you are on the right path to kids with a long life of healthiness.

There is a big difference between instilling confidence and body acceptance and completely neglecting a child's health.

As an adult who has struggled with weight there is nothing that makes me more angry than seeing an overweight child whose parents don't seem to care. Being overweight hurts. It hurts physically to carry extra weight day in and day out -- even on an adult frame which makes me wonder what it must feel like on a child's still growing body. It hurts mentally in more ways than we would ever have time to discuss in these comments and that is outside the realm of body image as a cultural construct, the mental toll just as a function of the things weight can prevent the body from physically accomplishing is enough torture.

It is unhealthy inside and out both to be overweight and to not have a positive outlet to discuss being so.

You can praise a child's unique physical strengths and abilities without eschewing the topic of weight -- and by extension health -- altogether. Even in cases where weight has become a problem you can address the weight in light of the positive aspects of the individual's body.

Weight is taboo a topic enough. Personally, I find it reckless to banish it from our homes, our discussions with our children.

- Diana Prichard ( http://www.dianaprichard.com )

sometimes kids obsess bout their body because of what other people tells them or what they see on tv or other media and this can really affect their self confidence, it not guided properly.

When my older daughter was younger, she was very, very small. The smallest in her class by quite a lot (it didn't help that her birthday is a few days before the cut off, so she was almost a year younger than some of the students.) It didn't occur to me to stop people from commenting on how small she was. Not until she reached puberty and stopped being tiny and started being medium-sized and it hit her hard. She'd internalized being the small one--and there was some time there when it was hard for her to not be that anymore. If I could do it again, I would be as protective about people calling her skinny when she was younger. I do, firmly, believe that she came through adolescence without a fixation on her weight because she grew up knowing that bodies come in all shapes and none are better than any others.

I don't pay attention to it because my second son was only 3lbs 2oz when he was born. I made the conscious decision to not compare him to other kids his age. I didn't want to know percentiles. I only wanted to see that he was growing steadily. He's 4.5 years old now. I don't know how much he weighs. My older son is 9. He's skinny as a rail and tall for his age, but I don't know how much he weighs, either.

It's so easy to really mess a kid up with talk that is meant to help and is given out of love. I know that my parents didn't mean to ease me into an eating disorder when they talked about how my easier it is for me to gain weight than my sisters, for instance, and how I need to be more careful. But they did. Not allowing that kind of talk in your home is so important, IMO.

Come check out my 99 cent Kindle bookDevil You Don't ( http://www.amazon.com/Devil-Dont-Rosemont-Brothers... ).

Our bodies are what they are, but the one thing we can do is get enough exercise to let them function as they are intended to function. Hitting the gym and letting your kids see that is necessary to keep our bodies functioning properly is a hugely important lesson. It's maintenance on our bodies just like brushing our teeth or cutting our fingernails.

As a recovered anorexic, I'm also very conscious of fat comments and fat talk. I won't have it in my house, either.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.