Why have I not blogged for so long? Couple odf days after my last post I found out i was pregnant. My Mum was staying and she is one of these people who cannot let you do something without watching over you. Even though I am 37 years old, she has to watch me vacuum, cook, do my work online - it is tremendously irritating.

Then I did not want to tell anyone of the pregnancy until I got the all clear.

On Monday 2 weeks ago I lost some blood, I was 9 weeks pg. Went to the doctor, had a scan, no heartbeat detected.

Went back for another scan on the Thursday in case the first was a bad picture, same again.

I put the tag of healthcare on this because I want people in the USA to think about the wonderful free healthcare we have in the UK. TWO scans detecting a dead baby and I was not referred to the hospital.
I had an emergency scan on the Sunday after which was as I thought conclusive that the baby had died. By this time I had been a week knowing I had a dead baby inside me.

At least the sonographer and the assistant showed some compassion. They explained it all to me and let me have a picture of the scan.

I had to wait until Tuesday last week for an apointment to take a tablet to make the placenta detatch and start the miscarriage which should have started on its own.

Monday evening the pain started all by itself, and the bleeding, cramps and so on. Tuesday Morning I told my 7 year old son that I had a baby that died and the hospital had to help get it out. I had to tell him as I was in too much pain to help him get ready from school. He is very sensitive and would have known if I had not told him the truth.

So on Tuesday 30th October I paced around a room in a hospital waiting to see a doctor who got me to sign my consent for the tablet. They had no record of the stroke I had in 2001 ! A somewhat major medical incident!

Because the miscarriage had already started I went on to the second stage which was tablets inserted internally to open the cervix to enable the 'products of conception' out.

I was then sent to a room with its own bathroom and told to wait and see what happened. Not a lot, so more tablets 4 hours after. After the second lot of tablets I saw no doctor for 23 hours. DOes this happen if you have health insurance? I would not have thought so?
They did blood tests and did not tell me what for, left me to it, did not tel me what to expect.

Did not tell me that at 4am I would still be there, no nightclothes, miscarrying a purplish grey mottled lump which actually contained the baby. Nobody would tell me that this was 'finally it' Nurses came and took it away for 'lab tests' but nobody consoled me, no one asked if I was ok. I curled up on my bed and sobbed, alone. (of course my husband had to go home earlier to look after our other children - the nurses could not understand why he had to do that!!!)

That was it. Hopes for the future, the images I had in my mind of me nursing our baby, seeing the first steps, feeling its warmth on my skin, the first time the baby says 'daddy', all gone.

I felt totally out of it, near delirious as I never take pain relief, just do not need it, something else they did not believe that I gave birth to 2 of my kids with no drugs whatsoever.

I could not associate what was in that bowl with something from my body. I don't really properly remember, as they put it, 'passing the products of conception'. I did not want to let go. I know that is why things took so long. I had to stare out of the window into the night sky and say 'goodbye I have to let go you can go now' I bled nearly all I could before the baby came out. The baby not one of the professionals would call a baby.

One of the doctors the next day asked me what was upsetting me!

I have not grieved anywhere near enough because of my other children, one of whom I have to take to bed now! My kids are in a bit of a mess I think because I have always been supermum who copes with everything, fearless and invincible.

Not this time.