Why I Will Continue to Tell my Daughters that They're Beautiful

My girls are both lovely inside and out. My husband and I tell them this and we're specific with compliments. "I really like it when you wear your hair that way. It shows off your eyes." "Wow. You worked really hard on that report and it shows." That sort of thing.

I grew up feeing incredibly gawky and self-conscious. My mother told me I was pretty, but I never believed her. Looking back, that's partially a teenage thing. But my mother's self image wasn't great and that translated big time to me. I'm more comfortable with my body, my looks and who I am than my mother was at my age. I've always been careful not to criticize my looks in front of my girls. When I feel good or particularly like an outfit I've put together, I make sure to comment in front of them. I want to model self-acceptance for them.

I have two daughters, 12 & 15. These ages are rocky times for self-esteem, but both girls seem far more confident than I was. That's not the only measure. They both challenge themselves regularly with school and new activities. It's nice watching them grow up and discover who they are both inside and out. Actually, it's more than nice. It's beautiful and how can you not share that?

Thanks for your post. I really enjoyed it. It's a topic I think and write about often.

I tell both my daughters they are beautiful, just as I tell them I love them. But I have also been careful to compliment other very specific skill they have and things they do, like saying 'You are (brave, a good friend, hard working, thoughtful, considerate, stand up for yourself, one tough cookie) or 'You have (a great smile, an infectious laugh, a great way of looking at things, a great sense of style, stick-to-it-iveness). I don't believe there is anything wrong with saying they are beautiful as long as it is not the first or only thing we ever notice about them. The rest of the world will judge them solely on their looks too often. Let's make sure we tell our girls (and boys) and other people's girls and boys about all the other strengths they have.

We have to be careful about HOW we tell children they're beautiful. If we say too much and explain why we're complimenting them, they will question the validity of our compliment. My own mother was never told she was beautiful by her parents. I knew this because she told me every time she told me how beautiful I was. It completely cancelled out the compliment and made me doubt myself, my beauty and my talents. I became uber-sensitive to every comment, wondering if it was sincere or merely pumping me full of that which she had never gotten.

Sometimes we share too much with our kids. It's enough to just tell them how wonderful and lovely they are without any "and this is why I'm telling you this".

I was born in 1952 in Brooklyn. My parents never told me I was beautiful; my peers called me chubby and "high yella"...It wasn't until the advent of the Black Power Movement that anyone ever told me I was beautiful...in fact, we all told each other we were beautiful; and it was a beautiful thing! My daughters were born in the 70s and because I had "become" beautiful, I was able to tell them how beautiful they were from day one. My girls are in their approaching 40s and now they tell their daughters...pass it on.

From the day she was born, my daughter has always known that she is a beautiful, valuable human being. How she interprets that may change as she grows older and when it does the conversations will change to help her to understand her place in the world. Complimenting a person simply says: I am taking the time to acknowledge that you are here...That you matter. If you're interested, I have a wonderful inspirational video on youtube: http://youtu.be/WXbT5o2C6w0 .

For every individual there are different circumstances and everything about beauty is relative.

I had three sisters, one younger and two older. We are so different from each other, different planets in different solar systems.

Visually, certain things will capture a larger population than others, but, socioeconomic factors play in to that 'beauty' concept as well.

When my son had his braces put on, the dentist said my sons head and face were not perfect.. The way he was correcting his teeth would alter the perception and make him look a bit more attractive. How do you like that one?

This guy was so repulsive to me as a person and as a medical professional. And, by the way, terribly unattractive physically and personally, according to most standards.

I never had a daughter but, I would place emphasis on her developing survival skills and attributes she had, both physically and mentally and socioeconomically .

You hit a big nerve with me. In a good way. I don't ever remember my parents (or anybody in my family) telling me I was pretty. Ever. It chipped away at my self-esteem in a big way because I always heard people telling my cousins how pretty they were and I assumed that I wasn't pretty since nobody told me I was. I now have three daughters and you better believe I tell them every single day of their lives how beautiful and smart they are. I NEVER want them to think otherwise of themselves. We live in a harsh world where people can be downright mean and if I can start them off believing in themselves then that is exactly what I intent to do.

I really agree with your writing. I read Bloom's article before your blog and I was troubled by her article. Yet, I couldn't place what was bothering me about it. Her message certainly had some merit, but it felt off to me. I tell my baby every single day that she is pretty. I understood Bloom's viewpoint but it bothered me. Then I read your blog and agreed with every thought you had. Exactly. I'm not sure I would have stated it as eloquently -- thank you for posting this!

My mom went about it this way: She and dad were always willing to tell me that I looked beautiful (and still do!), but she frequently reminded me both that I was more than my looks and that I shouldn't rely on my looks to get me through life. I had some issues where I didn't believe her or my dad (about anything in life, really), but I think they're right. I'm pretty darn good looking, but it's not the key to who I am. :)

Family Section Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

I am always telling my kids they're beautiful.

I'll say things like "hey pretty girl" Hello gorgeous and I'll even comment to my son "hi handsome"

In today's world if we don't take the time to bolster their selfconfidence who else will??

I grew up with parents who very seldom every commented on my appearance, except sometimes to note if I was dressed "weird" - and although I knew I was smart, funny, etc. (they told me those things), I assumed they avoided mentioning my looks because I was ugly. It really left a psychic scar and took me a long time into my adulthood to be persuaded that I wasn't especially ugly. I too tell my daughter she is beautiful inside and out.

I also hear from other parents that they won't tell their child they are smart, because they don't want them to think they are better than others. I think it's all in the attitude -- we tell our girl she is smart, but she has to work hard to get what she wants, and that everyone is smart in their own way. No messages are perfect, but I do want to keep encouraging her to be her best person AND feel good about who she is.

As a mom of a 12 year old girl who is already very obsessed with her weight because of what society models, this was refreshing to read.

I think a good mix of self confidence from us parents, along with highlighting the skills they do well in addition to telling them they are beautiful is the way to go.
Thanks for a thought-provoking article!
http://www.mamalode.com/blog/category/stories/den-...

We are our daughters' posts to the world. We are their first truth. We give them the tools they will need to shape a personal sense of self through the mess of adolescence. Gushing about their beauty makes it questionable and insincere, I agree. But during this time when they value our opinions above all else, we need to give them honest, authentic reactions to all that they are - even their pretty haircuts :)

so much for this piece. I have a young daughter, and I thought a lot about Lisa Bloom's article after I read it. I tell my daughter that she is beautiful daily, but I do it because it's a spontaneous thought that I want to express. I also tell her how smart, helpful, kind, and capable she is at the things she learns and tries. You make such an excellent point about building a base of strength when doubts come later. I will also continue to tell my daughter that she is beautiful, and without guilt!

is key at an early age. It's scary when young girls at the age of six think they are fat or already know high end labels. I wonder where does this come from?

I believe that we need to teach our children that beauty is on the inside and out. As well, help to nurture their self esteem through their own interests whether it be music, art, or sports.

Media seems to have placed higher standards on what's expected on our tweens. One look at Zach and Cody, Hanny Montanan, and I know the only thing we are teaching girls is stereotypes.