Your post made me cry. (Cheesy, I know, but I can't help it.)

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS)& Other Rants

I think your conclusion in this post is right on the money. Abortion is a symptom, not a disease. It's a symptom of sex ed programs that are inadequate, of poverty, of disintegrating restraint in the media. If we work together to fix those problems - which I think almost everyone, regardless of abortion-specific views, can agree are problems - then I bet we would see significant decline in the need to discuss the legality of abortion.

...I would like to see you deliver this speech from a podium, Maria:

What I would love to see is that we focus our energy towards loving women.

Loving them enough to ensure that every woman has sex only when they are fully capable of choosing to do so and fully capable of making choices regarding pregnancy. That no woman has sex because she lacks self esteem, because she thinks it is the only way she will be loved, because she was physically and emotionally abused and is acting out, because she is forced in any way.

That no woman does not use birth control because she cannot buy it, because she cannot afford it, because her partner is controlling and will not allow her to use it or refuses to use it himself. That no woman be forced to give birth when it would risk her life or prevent her from having wanted children in the future. That no woman be faced with the fear that raising a child when she is not equipped with the resources or support to do so will destroy her.

That we try our best to ensure that children are not brought unwanted into a life of poverty, neglect and abuse. That we recognize that most forms of birth control are not 100% perfect and that we support further development of safe, reliable, reversible forms of contraception. That we do not fool ourselves into believing that children born when they are desperately not wanted and because contraception fails are somehow likely to magically grow up healthy, happy and whole and be President someday when they are raised by a parent who tried to prevent their conception because they are aware that they were inadequately equipped to raise them. It could happen but realistically, probably will not.

That we recognize that our systems for adoption and foster care are not adequate and if we truly want to ensure that even those women who do not choose abortion and offer their children the hope of a better life through adoption we must work to fix those institutions.

Amen.

I won't repeat what I said to Shannon, but I can tell you that I am prouder than ever to be associated with this community after reading your post.

Thank you.

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

Of note, I am pro-choice and stated why on the previous post regarding this matter. However...

Your point is almost on-mark. So close.

That we recognize that our systems for adoption and foster care are not adequate and if we truly want to ensure that even those women who do not choose abortion and offer their children the hope of a better life through adoption we must work to fix those institutions.

My relinquished daughter does not have a better life. She has a different life than she would have had with me as her everyday mother. You will find many birth mothers, even ones who do not have the same regrets that I have regarding placement, whose children did not have "better" lives. When we try to sell adoption as a "hope of a better life," we are doing a disservice to expectant mothers and fathers considering placement. We should be telling them, so very honestly, that adoptive families divorce, get ridiculously awful illnesses like cancer, experience financial hardship and even die. Just like every other family. They need to understand and digest that information in order to make that fully informed decision. Without that information, regrets are just a realization and revelation away. The "better life" is often a myth for the mother who is simply experiencing an unplanned pregnancy and doesn't know if she can be a good parent. (Also be aware that the average age of a mother who places her child for adoption is not a teen but a woman in her early twenties.)

It's little issues like this that further prove how ingrained adoption is as a "good answer to a bad problem" in our society. We're not talking about just changing the structure of the foster and adoption systems (which is also necessary in these reform movements!). We're talking about changing our country's minds about what single motherhood is, what a birth mother is and why both are okay. The stigmas that follow both are ridiculous. I am an amazing parent. I would have been to my daughter as well.

Jumping back to the rest of your post? Amazing. I'm sorry I took issue with one little set of words that you probably didn't know rub many birth mothers and biological fathers the wrong way. I wasn't so much ranting at you as I was ranting at a society that refuses to listen to the issues that others like me are experiencing... and others will continue to experience until agencies, attorneys and others are all acting in ethical manners with expectant parents considering adoption. Coercion is still alive and "well" and won't be going away until someone starts holding these groups accountable.

-
Jenna
Stop, Drop and Blog
Birth/First Parent Blog
The Chronicles of Munchkin Land

What a well reasoned, well stated and thorough statement! It was a pleasure to read.

Thoughtfully and rationally stated : )

(and long live the ecusa!)

A commenter at my post earlier today wondered if there was really any point in having this discussion, since so many of us aren't going to change our deeply-held views. But the dialogue matters, and I do think it's important to hear other views.

Clearly, you put great thought into your post, Maria. Thank you for speaking your mind.

Shannon @ Rocks In My Dryer
BlogHer Contributing Editor, Mommy and Family
rocksinmydryer.typepad.com
bloggygiveaways.com

Of anything new or different to say except Thank You. Now I know exactly where to point people when I need to tell them exactly why I'm pro-choice. I also agree in particular with the section Lisa Stone highlighted - absolutely prime-time podium.

Thank you.
Jill
Writes Like She Talks

Amen. We don't hear that enough in this country!

Wow. I have nothing else to add but thank you.

Excellent post Maria.

I think it's great how the women of BlogHer can have a dialog like this. You don't find this kind of respect happening anywhere else in the blogosphere...I am very happy (and proud) to be part of the wonderful community of women here.

Contributing Editor Catherine Morgan
CatherineBlogs, The Political Voices of Women, Care2 Election Blog

This was so well-written, I couldn't help but comment to offer you kudos.

Stephanie
http://quirkyblogger.com

In a world where women are still bought and sold.....murdered by husbands and husbands families, where children are still sold into slavery,where birth control is hard to come by depending on the religious views of your pharmacist or care provider, where reproductive issues are still all over the place and controlled more by doctors than the women doing the reproduction.....making abortion illegal would a slippery slope....it IS sadly an issue that has to be politicized until people can get past the emotional and religious side of it all.

I have two children. And have had 3 pregnancies.....while I cannot imagine having an abortion -only because I have not been in those shoes ......I will fight for a woman's right to chose that path....

Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com

I was going to post yesterday on Shannon's pro-life piece but I couldn't bring myself to since I (respectfully) disagree with her.

I've spent 13 years of my life defending (US Army Combat Engineers - hoo yah!) the right of every person in our country to make (and live with) their own choices. I have become fearful that there are people (politicians) here who seriously consider taking away that freedom and forcing their choices on others (the needs of society not withstanding).

I don't believe that the rights of a fetus begin at conception, even if life does, or are more important than the rights of the mother. However I also believe that, being male, my position on the issue is academic at best. Various posts here have shown me that there may arise situations where my position becomes more critical (I don't recall the post but a husband had to choose whether to lose both his wife and her baby).

To me it is much more important that each person be allowed to make their own choice and have healthy, safe, dependable options to carry that choice out. And having a good place to discuss the issue with intelligent people who can present their position helps move the issue along paths that will bring us to a better place, as Maria has so eloquently put. So thank you both, Maria and Shannon, for your posts. :)

Jim Heivilin

I have loved both of these posts (yours, and Shannon's) for the respectful discussion they have inspired, and for the honest, simple goals of bringing us together without trying to change anyone.

This post, however, just made me love you a little bit more. (And I already sort of loved you. Can I say that here?) ;)

--
Mir Kamin
(BlogHer Mommy & Family contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Having it all with less: Want Not

It wasn't long after my son was born that life circumstances and my ability to handle them did not meet with any kind of a "Oprah Magazine" tidiness. I was an absolute mess. New motherhood was killing me. Postpartum depression was wrecking havoc on me. Insurmountable breastfeeding obstacles turned me into something more soggy than infant rice cereal. I hated motherhood, PPD took over my experience. I was 33.

Somewhere in that period of time, I went to my OB-GYN for my 6 week after delivery follow up and got my new script for birth control. Then, we moved, 1500 miles to Texas. I continued to refill my birth control script. I found a new family physician group in Texas. Birth control scripts were refilled each month. I mostly remembered to take my birth control pill every day. There was not a lot of sex happening in our home. My use of the pill was/is for contraception and a method to regulate my menstrual cycle as it is wacky due to my progesterone deficiency.

Some background is required here. Before I had my son in Feb, 2005, I suffered more than 15 miscarriages Trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant was horrible, unforgiving and filled with sorrow and a divorce from my first husband. My reproductive desires were coupled with intense anxiety when I married my amazing second husband. As t turns out, I was unable to sustain pregnancy due to my progesterone deficiency. Without vaginal progesterone suppositories, as it was explained to me, I was not able to sustain a pregnancy past the first trimester. Oh, when I heard those words, my many miscarriages made so much sense to me then. It did not remove or remedy the past hurt and suffering but it did give me hope. And, hope, (along with progesterone suppositories), presented me with my son in February of 2005.

When my son was about 10 months old and my period did not show up on time, but that never surprised me. I had scheduled an appointment with my OB/GYN because I needed a refill on my birth control (which I was given and continued taking). The resident OB-GYN preformed my well woman exam including a vaginal exam. He declared all was okay and he refilled my birth control script. A few weeks later, I began feeling those "only women know" feelings that I might be pregnant. I went to the drugstore and bought multiple pregnancy tests. Before, I has AWAYS purchased these tests with optimism and hope. It was not so with the purchase of these tests. And, these tests were positive. I was not prepared for nor desired another child. I was sure that if I had another child, it would destroy me. I did not want to be pregnant and I did not want to have another baby.

I have lived on just about every single side of women's reproduction at this point. It is emotional and unforgiving. In my opinion, we should be kinder, more understanding and accepting of any woman's story. Period. Choice is SO important, regardless the age, race or financial disposition of the woman "choosing". Respectful choice is the ideal. In this day and age of choice - women who do "choose" usually face cold, sterile and an unemotional environment. No follow up. No mental wellness follow up. Sigh.

Our country has stopped supporting open and respectful dialogue regarding reproductive education and options for women who are struggling to understand, implement and choose preventative and consequential reproductive decisions. Our country has a deep rooted aversion to condoning "pro-choice" for those women whose "choice" would undeniably and positively change the direction of their lives.

I am tired of arguing for my fundamental right to choose but will continue to do so. I believe, if you don't live in their home, know the physical, financial or emotional circumstances and if you are unwilling to financially and emotionally support the unwanted children and the unwilling mothers, I don't believe you have the right to an opinion, let alone the right to vote on what choice is made.

This country does such a poor job of supporting single and economically disadvantaged mothers. It is one of my greatest wishes that the "pro-life" efforts, energy and funds would focus on the well being and rights of children that currently live.

Erin
ExpectingExecutive

Thank you for sharing your beliefs. I rarely discuss the fact that I am a conservative and a very serious Christian and also pro-choice. It's hard to explain, but I'm pro-choice because I believe God gave us free will for a reason. He allows us to make our own choices, and I have no business judging anyone else's choice. Do I want people to have abortions? No. Do I hope that less people have them? Of course. Especially now that I have had children, my perspective has changed about how precious each new life is, and how it can blossom into something so amazing. My children are EVERYTHING to me. But I believe that Jesus taught us that we are ALL flawed, and we can all be forgiven. I'm really in no position to judge someone else's actions, because my own actions are less than perfect. I'm grateful to be forgiven and I try hard every day to forgive and avoid judgment. Thank you for talking about the importance of love. We need to work from a position of love. Let's try to create a situation where more and more women won't ever be in the position of having to make a choice.

Katherine Stone
Postpartum Progress

You have expressed everything I could have said with eloquence and compassion. My own experiences with infertility, miscarriage, and an unwanted pregnancy have caused me to go back and forth on this issue. But I think, in my heart, I've always been Pro-Choice - and for the exact reasons that you state.

Until we're willing, as human beings, to care for children whose mothers either didn't want them, or couldn't care for them, or whose mothers died at the hands of a back-street abortionist rather than have ANOTHER child, we cannot, as a society, be the reason those children are unfed, unwashed, on the streets.

Thank you for the opportunity to share my own thoughts.