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I write Stirrup Queens when I'm not reading other people's blogs, cooking, or chasing after my twins. I'm the author of two books: Life from Scratch,...
 
 
 
 

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Why "Just Relax" is Still Not Helpful Advice in the World of Infertility

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You know, infertile women and men of America, the whole reason you're not having a baby isn't because you have a uterine malformation or clotting disorder. It's not because you have a non-existent sperm count because you were born without vas deferens. The real reason you're infertile is because you're not relaxing enough.

You can thank me now for shining light on that fact.

Actually, it's not me that you should thank for the fact that this age-old advice has been recycled again. The onslaught of media stories is due to a study in Fertility and Sterility that the media believes supports what the general public has suspected all along. A watched pot never boils. You just need to stop wanting it so much. Take a vacation and then you'll get pregnant. Do some yoga.

Model Released: Woman in yoga position (Photo by Markus Boesch/Getty Images)
Apparently, doing yoga poses is the prescribed antidote to fertility-lessening stress. This pose, and not sex, is what will get you pregnant

And while stress enzymes very well may affect fertility levels, the reality is that infertility is an umbrella term for a disease that has a myriad of diagnostic paths, one that can't be boiled down to a simple answer. Yes, not releasing that stress enzyme may help some forms of infertility, but it certainly won't help the numerous other reasons for why people are infertile.

And beyond that, this case is more about the general public seeing what they wish to see. The study doesn't actually say that stress causes infertility. Instead, it illuminates the fact that in a case study of 274 women, looking at their first cycle of trying-to-conceive, there were "reductions in the probability of conception across the fertile window during the first cycle attempting pregnancy were observed for women whose salivary concentrations of alpha-amylase were in the upper quartiles." In other words, if you were stressed during that fertile window on your first month, you had a lower chance of conceiving during that first month. Doesn't mean you didn't conceive the second month, but your chances were lower during the first month.

See what I mean? Still not very helpful advice.

But that doesn't stop the media from proclaiming that stress causes infertility. The New York Times states "Some experts still recite an old maxim: while infertility undoubtedly causes stress, stress does not cause infertility. Now researchers suggest that the two conditions may indeed be linked." And the The Stir asks if "just relax" is good fertility advice after all (hint: no).

USAToday leads the pack in offensiveness with their opening:

Practically everyone has heard of a couple who, after fertility treatments fail, adopt a baby and then all of a sudden get pregnant ... A new study in the current issue of the journal Fertility and Sterility lends credence to a link between stress and time to conception, and not just in couples dealing with infertility.

Want to know the statistical rate of those diagnosed with infertility who conceive after adopting? As stated in my book, Navigating the Land of If, the number is 8%. Want to know the statistical rate for those diagnosed with infertility who conceive without fertility treatments and without adopting? Also 8%.

The Independent goes the women-should-just-stay-at-home-and-make-babies-and-stay-out-of-the-office approach with their opening:

Living life to a tight deadline, juggling appointments and rushing from place to place may harm a woman's chances of becoming pregnant.

WebMD crows, "There is now scientific evidence to back up the widely held belief that stress can interfere with fertility." CNN gently reminds readers that "The practical take home from all this is that if you are having trouble getting pregnant, one of the most important things you can do is work on ways to relax."

Luckily, there is also Rachel Gurevich at About.com who calms the flames by pointing out why the general public shouldn't return to their mantra of "just relax":

What the research actually found was that during the first cycle of the study, this stress related enzyme seemed to be linked to a lower likelihood of pregnancy. But, when researchers looked at all the months from the study combined, there was no statistically significant difference. In other words,

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HopefulMother 5 pts

My husband and I have TTC for 3 years. We've gone through two rounds of IVF. The first took but we miscarried at 9 weeks. The second round didn't take. Devastated and out of embryos (and not wanting to put my body through IVF again) we searched for alternative treatments. By far the best information I have found is through NaPro Technology. Along side using the Creighton Model for natural planning. Creighton teaches you the signs of ovulation and helps the NaPro doctor to determine any underlying issues. Although stress may not be linked to infertility, the female reproductive system may shut down during a high stress time (like losing a job). Thus postponing your body from releasing it's egg, or keeping it from ovulating at all.

On a side note, my NaPro Technology doctor was able to determine that I had undiagnosed endometriosis which was causing scarring in my abdomen, slight hypothyroidism, elevated estrogen levels and severe PMS (usually triggered by low progesterone levels).

For anyone else trying to conceive and looking for answers, Creighton Model and NaPro Technology are by far the most well informed doctors and nurses.

~Celia from http://www.eatscreamcry.blogspot.com/

ShiningStar 5 pts

My journey is new-ish being in the waiting end of my 2nd IVF cycle. But it is intense. The road to that point was long, and I greved long before the first cycle started. I am becoming quieter and quieter on the subject of infertility, yet I hear everything. I read. I absorb. I weigh it all up. I try to place myself in the best place possible. And I try to relax. Mostly because there is a deep emotional state lurking on the edges of my mind and heart that I need to walk calmly alongside. No state of relaxation or positive spirit can turn off the thoughts. I knew when I started walking down this path that the further I went down it without the result we were looking for, the more I opened myself up to potential scarring. I knew that, but the feeling of it is quite another experience. The best of my friends just ask me how I am doing, and hope for me, and grieve quietly for me. It is all there is, and everything else, every other meaningless comment has no place.

Melissa Ford 10 pts

Absolutely -- and I am a fan of yoga or relaxation tapes, etc for treating the emotional side of infertility. I just don't hold them up as a curative measure, as the media seems to be doing this month. Sigh. Thank you for adding the weight of the medical community to this thought.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

ejrmd 5 pts

I happened upon your article through your tweet on BlogHer & I am very glad that I did...as a physician, I don't often see the correct interpretation of a medical study in the media or on the internet. Thank you for taking the time to make it perfectly clear that stress does not play a big role in infertility at all. There are so many factors that contribute to a woman's inability to conceive that have nothing to do with stress.

You are correct on many points, esp re adoption & "doing nothing" as "cures" for infertility. A side note: I do believe in having my patients "relax" prior to their procedures, though. It is very helpful for them to be in the right frame of mind going into IVF for obvious reasons. It helps for them to stay focused & calm when taking medications and when preparing for the big day. For that reason, and that reason alone, I recommend relaxation tapes or music prior to the days of retrieval & transfer.

Thank you!I posted a link on my Facebook page btw!
Edward Ramirez, MD
Monterey, California
Monterey Bay IVF

Melissa Ford 10 pts

Or there are studies, but this isn't one of them, nor are most that make it into the mainstream media.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Bryony Boxer 5 pts

My 2 cents? There are VERY few studies that should be taken seriously, and this is not one of them.

--

Bryony Boxer

The Baby Bunch ( http://www.babybunch.com/ )

mmplums 5 pts

Yeah, that statement caused me to turn purple with anger. Anyway, after all those years, it turned out to be some sort of auto immune response problem, that they have no name for still. I had a total of 7 pregnancies afterward, but only 3 surviving birth children. My first son made me a grandma a year ago May! I love him dearly. My first born is 18, my daughter is 15 soon to have a bd, and my youngest is 13. I am in my late 50's now, and greatful for being able to have children at last. I never regreted my adoption, it was one of the greatest moments of my life. Hubby and I have been married over 20 years now...cool!

Melissa Ford 10 pts

And a 12-year span is a long time...cough...for cause and effect. Just saying.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Melissa Ford 10 pts

I think there's room for both mindsets to exist on this earth--free will and the idea that all is pre-destined and "supposed to happen." The problem is when the two meet.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

mmplums 5 pts

I am surprised that the crap so called experts are still putting out. I was labeled infertile for many years. I adopted a child when he was 6weeks old. I married a nice young man in 89, and in 92 I was pregnant. When it was confirmed, one of the nurses said, "I told you once you adopted you would get pregnant". I said, yeah and that was 12 years ago...good thing I did not wait until later to adopt, as it was I was having my first baby as a middle aged mama

MLOKnitting 5 pts

I was lucky enough to still be alive after ovarian cancer - related to being infertile, but not treatments - and know of at least one blogger, Cancerbaby, that died leaving behind those who loved her.

It is incredibly insensitive to the myriad of stories in all things to say that all things end well or how they are supposed to.

No, that has no baiss whatsoever in reality and is a pleasant hiding place for people who do not want to face how terrible this world really is.

MLO / Melissa

Books, Movies, Games, Ovarian Cancer, and Life in General at http://www.mloknitting.com/

transgressorsgrace 5 pts

That response was a little more angst riddled than I intended. Thank you though. And thank you for blogging about infertility. I really appreciated your response to this study.

Jess from Transgressor's Grace

Read more from me at: http://transgressors-grace.blogspot.com/

Melissa Ford 10 pts

Perhaps if people are so concerned that stress causes infertility and that you need to relax, they would leave you alone and not push the issue so often. I'm so sorry you're going through that.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Melissa Ford 10 pts

Three cheers to that. It does create more stress.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

unbrokenworld 5 pts

I couldn't help but chuckle at the caption to that photo. After 21 months of trying, I think I'd rather do yoga than have sex. I'll take it.

I wonder if anyone in any of those studies considered the fact that hearing "Just relax/stop trying and you'll get pregnant!" over and over is MORE STRESSFUL than people not saying anything??? So if stress is the problem, maybe people backing off a bit is part of the solution!

transgressorsgrace 5 pts

Is what I am usually thinking when someone tells me to "Just Relax". Just relaxing isn't going to fix the physical condition that makes getting pregnant so difficult for us. I wonder sometimes if it would be easier to just share with the world what the issue is, but after years of hearing "Just relax" and "It will happen when the time is right" and "If it's meant to be it will be", all implying that we're doing something wrong, or maybe the universe doesn't think we're ready or perhaps we're not "meant" to be parents, I've had just about all the "support" I can take. Add to that the in-laws who think they need to remind us that we're not getting any younger and should get on that baby making thing sooner rather than later, and I'm about as fed up as can be.

Infertility is a complicated and emotional issue. If only it were as simple as doing yoga or taking a vacation. Accepting that having your own child might not ever be possible for you is more difficult, I think, that people understand. Hope springs eternal, so you keep trying, keep going to the doctor, keep praying. But at some point you have to Decide to stop trying. To Decide that you aren't going to pursue a natural child. And then you have to Decide whether or not you can accept someone else's child into your heart and home. Will it be a blessing or a constant reminder of what you can't have?

"Just relax" doesn't help in the least.

Jess from Transgressor's Grace

Read more from me at: http://transgressors-grace.blogspot.com/

Melissa Ford 10 pts

Oh no, I agree. I have often thought about the face-punch.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Melissa Ford 10 pts

Well, it's also because the term "just relax" implies that it isn't a real problem. In my book, endometriosis, precancerous ovarian tumors, countless surgeries and the removal of reproductive organs counts as a real problem.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Melissa Ford 10 pts

Absolutely entitled to your opinion, and I'm glad you expressed it. Even if I don't agree, I can appreciate that it's a mindset many share when it comes to understanding why things happen.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

varouna 5 pts

Telling a woman who is in the midst of infertility problems is just asking to get punched in the face - or at least that's what I always felt like doing when people would tell my husband and me to relax. That said, I'm happy that my husband and I were in circumstances where we were able to adopt two beautiful children.

j_gumieny 5 pts

Advice and opinions come from different places. I'm not offering any advice because I was not in turn asked to provide it, however, when an open conversation is posted on a public blog, I offered an opinion. I don't expect anyone to agree with me. I don't feel like anyone should agree with me but this is how I feel and I posted. I have been through so much heartache in my short life that if I was not optimistic I'm not sure I would have survived. It may seem insincere to anyone struggling and that is not my intention, it's really just an opinion to take or leave, read or ignore. Sometimes what you want to hear and what you need to hear don't match up - honesty is appreciated from my end, so thank-you for your thoughts and opinions.

J
www.gfinkfamily.blogspot.com ( http://www.gfinkfamily.blogspot.com )

solo 5 pts

Sure, it ends well for many but my point is that there are many people who are - no matter what they do- unable to have children biologically or for various reasons, adopt (finances, programs shutting down, delays, etc). I can imagine they have a harder time getting to your point of view.

We have a beautiful family and for that I am truly grateful. And because our path was so difficult, I make a point to refrain from any overly optimistic commentary to others struggling. I will listen, support and be there but I know too well how raw emotions can be particularly when someone who has children offers 'it will work out in the end'. Not to say I am not positive, on the contrary I am very much so. I just try to be mindful that no matter how well intentioned, my unsolicited advice may not always be what someone wants to here.

solo 5 pts

And a side note to j_gumieny: I find it very insensitive of you to say, 'all end well eventually'. For you maybe yes- no so for many, many people out there. Then again, I am not that surprised that this kind of remark comes from a person who (I assume- maybe unfairly, if so I apologize) had little issue having a family. If that is the case, wonderful for you. But please refrain from that kind of blanket statement.

j_gumieny 5 pts

When you look at the complete and final end, it may not be what you wanted but would it have been worse had it ended another way. For example, my mom committed suicide almost 6 years ago and it wasn't something that I would have wanted to happen in any respect, but we are "okay" and I believe that it happened for a reason beyond our knowledge. My point is that you can never know why things happen but you shouldn't assume that they can't get better.

J
www.gfinkfamily.blogspot.com ( http://www.gfinkfamily.blogspot.com )

solo 5 pts

Few things in life get me as annoyed as people who dish out 'just relax' in regard to fertility (usually those who have had their families with little or no issue play expert), and, 'well you know, as soon as you adopt you'll get pregnant!' First of all, what makes that okay to say? Insinuating that somehow a biological child is better? Second of all- no- in most cases that does not happen.

Fiercely aggressive endometriosis starting at age 20, precancerous ovarian tumors, countless surgeries and ultimately the removal of reproductive organs sort of makes hearing 'just relax' something to make my blood boil.

If you are someone who feels it your place to offer this advice: DON'T.

I am a mother to a beautiful child through adoption and while I still remember the pain of our very difficult journey to have a family, we would not trade our son for anything. This does not mean I thank infertility, they are two separate paths altogether.

Melissa Ford 10 pts

Relaxing wouldn't have overcome our problems either, which is why this media coverage is more hurtful than helpful. The majority who are actually infertile (and conceiving on the second cycle is not infertility) won't be able to use this information to gain anything.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Melissa Ford 10 pts

Well, I can think of a few journeys that didn't end well or even really "end" at all.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

j_gumieny 5 pts

I find it disheartening that you make that assumption. It does end well in my opinion... It may not be what you wanted but maybe what needs to be. I didn't have problems getting pregnant but I wouldn't say that our road to adoption has been easy in any regard. Everyone has their own challenges you can either deal with them or complain about them... My life has been anything but effortless. What you've coined "blanket statements" are anything but - they come from experience and I don't expect you to agree with me but that doesn't change where I'm coming from. I wish you and everyone the best in creating a family, there is no insensitivity intended on my part, simply an opinion you can agree with or not.

J
www.gfinkfamily.blogspot.com ( http://www.gfinkfamily.blogspot.com )

ms_lorelei 5 pts

...told me to relax when I was dealing with my fertility issues, I was going to find that yes, indeed, my stress levels would worsen the condition because by that point I was really at the breaking point and was seriously close to clocking someone.

Conceiving from a correctional institution would probably have made the problem worse, yes.

Lori, speech pathologist, writer, and business owner, blogs home-family-working-mom drama at In Pursuit of Martha Points. ( http://inpursuitofmarthapoints.com )

j_gumieny 5 pts

It's a matter of timing and I believe the cliche that "everything happens for a reason." I've had both biological children, we've adopted and we are adopting again. We never had to walk down the road of fertility treatments but some of our best friends are currently on this path. I've seen all angles and from my experience all end well eventually, stress or no stress.

J
www.gfinkfamily.blogspot.com ( http://www.gfinkfamily.blogspot.com )

Melissa Ford 10 pts

I feel the same way with a lot of situations. More frequently, it's a matter of luck or circumstance than having done anything right or wrong.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

KarenBayne 5 pts

And, it seems to me, that such crappy advice "Just Relax," is way that fertile people have of congratulating themselves for doing something "so easily", but what really happened is that the body did automatically -as if we (for I admit to being fertile, more or less) can take credit for our biology, as though my uterus being shaped correctly is something I can take credit for, which is ridiculous.

squeakerabudhabi 8 pts

I have been told to "just relax" too many times to remember during our 2 year struggle to conceive. It literally makes the hair on the back of my stand stand on edge when I hear it coming out of someone's mouth. When I try to explain to the giver of such fabulous advice that I have PCOS, it's as if they don't hear a word I'm saying. They just keep spewing the same old mantra, "relax relax relax", as if somewhere nearby a Frankie Goes to Hollywood record is skipping repeatedly. So, if I just did more yoga than I already do, then apparently my cystic ovaries would just suddenly become functional again...ah, so that's what I've been missing!