Why Mother's Day Is Hard For Me

Mother's Day is a mixed-bag. It always has been. I imagine when I was a young child I didn't have any issues. I'm sure I made lovely, cutesy little things for my mother. As an adult though, I have been inconsistent with even recognizing Mother's Day as a day to celebrate my mother. I often am not entirely sure when it is. (Though that may be related more to me not paying attention to holidays much.

I don't have a mother than I can go to and ask questions, trusting that the answers she'll offer will be insightful, helpful, or even (frankly) honest. My mother is not one I call when I had questions or concerns while I was pregnant. I don't call for any advice or support with Baby Boy. I've never been able to ask my mother to go on a shopping trip with me, or spend an afternoon being pampered. My mother's just not that type of woman and mother.

I imagine there are many reasons, some I know, some I don't, about why she is the way she is. The fact of the matter is that she simply is who she is. There are times I go from wanting more of a relationship with my mother to simply ignoring the issue and going on with my life.

Not having much of a relationship, let alone a close one, with my mother is very sad and quite heartbreaking.

Once, I did ask her opinion on a life choice I was going to make and we actually had a decent conversation. Our next conversation left me feeling empty, again. This is how things are between my mother and I.

I've cried. I'm screamed. I've complained. I've spent some time working on forgiving her, accepting her where she's at, and even letting go. To date, I unfortunately, continue to have issues.

I don't doubt my mother loves me, though. I don't doubt she did the best she knew how to do. I don't doubt that she may even want to do more or do better. I know she would do anything for me. She would do anything for my child, if I absolutely needed it. I know she would try her hardest. Yes, this implies that she doesn't meet my expectation (see above where I've worked on this). I know in my mind and my heart that things weren't easy for her when I was a kid. I know she's not sure how to communicate with me. I know she's very unsure about relating to me. I know all this, and yet, we still struggle. Or rather, I still struggle.

What's interesting is that now I'm a mother. I'm a woman and a mother that would actually enjoy celebrating Mother's Day. I would like for Hun and Baby Boy to do something special for/with me. The difficulty is that I don't know how to ask. I don't have any ideas. I have no memories, even, from which to draw.

Mother's Day wasn't a big thing when I was a child. I mean, there were other bigger issues going on, which is why. Those bigger issues stole many memories or potential memories from me.

Yet, I just want to start.

If for no other reason, I'd like Baby Boy to grow up knowing that his mother, me, is considered a special person. I don't want Baby Boy to feel left out or confused or hurt or lost when Mother's Day rolls around each year.

I want to show to Baby Boy that as a mother, I will be consistent. I will love him unconditionally, I will always be there for him. I will talk to him. I will play with him. I will engage in his passions and goals. I will support him in all the ways I know how. I will not leave him to figure out life alone. I will get excited when he's excited. I will be hurt when he is hurt. I will show him all that I know and lead him to discover all he wants to discover. I will do all these things in love. Open, honest, and real love. I will do these things because they are important to me. I will do these things because my wish is for him to not sit in the place where I have sat all these years when he thinks of his mother.

So, for myself. For Baby Boy. I present this card.

mothers day 2014

Because history doesn't have to repeat itself.

2014-04-26 16.27.29

And to my utter enjoyment, I had a wonderful Mother's Day weekend hanging with my guys. We made decisions together, we played, we worked, and we relaxed! I think we have started our tradition and can only imagine it growing over time.

After all, if it weren't for either of them, I wouldn't be a mother...


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