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This week I made a shocking discovery and had to grudgingly admit that yes, my daughter DOES have feelings - real ones. I mean, I'm not saying that I didn't acknowledge them before, I did. Every time she would play the drama queen bit about how hurt she is, just because I told her to go to bed or clean up her mess - yeah those feelings. The, "I want sympathy" feelings. The ones where I would tell her to put a sock in it and play that song for someone who cared.
Since moving to Gulfport, my daughter has somewhat gained a "sister". My 11 year old cousin-in-law. They argue, they laugh, yell at each other, hit each other, bug the crap out of me - it's like I have 2 daughters now. This week, I had to snatch my bedroom door open and stomp down the hallway to the living room after hearing, "Stop hitting me in my face!" at least 3 times.
Upon my arrival I went directly to my cousin-in-law first: "What happened and why are you yelling in my house like you grown???""" Cousin-in-law: "SHE KEEPS HITTING ME IN MY FACE!!" My Daughter: "NO, I DIDN'T!!" This would have went on forever but I got fed up and declared I was the only female in this house that would be yelling and if they couldn't RESPECT each others space and person, then I would separate them.
Both girls ended up crying and my daughter later taught me a lesson.
I kept asking her to just tell me how she felt. She wouldn't. She kept saying she would rather I read it. I said fine. She wrote me two letters. The first letter was written in sloppy angry strokes. The second one a much calmer stroke but the gist of both letters were that I never "defended" my daughter, never have any time for her and was always too tired to do anything with her. She also "yelled" at me in her letter, using angry all capitalized letters.
That smarts.
One, I am the lawyer, judge and jury when it comes to defending my daughter. She seems to think that I am "nicer" to other kids when doling out the discipline when she and her friends misbehave. Not true. I treat all the kids at my house the same. However, I am harsher with my daughter because, SHE KNOWS BETTER. I explained this to her and she understood.
Two, I am the ONLY parent that seems to have time for my daughter. This is not a dig at my husband - it is just the truth. I don't think kids recognize all the time you spend with them until you are not spending time with them - get it? She was only focusing on the times that I was too tired to spend time with her and that was magnified in her eyes because she was so upset. I explained this to her as well and then accepted some responsibility on my part. I promised to do better and broke out an early Christmas present to show her I was serious. Danneh Greshs' Mother/Daughter Devo.
Three, she yelled at me in her letter. Now this is what I found amusing. I asked my daughter why didn't she just tell me these things verbally. She told me she couldn't. What? Why not? "I can't say that to you like that, mom."
And then I understood. Respect.
My daughter is VERY respectful, to the point that she wont even say my first name if she is addressing me - she is embarrassed to do so.
She was angry when she wrote this letter. This is something that I took for granted. Kids get in trouble all the time and it's usually the parents doing all the yelling, finger pointing and making it clear that they bet not get an attitude about being yelled at or the finger pointing. That's just it though - they are angry and upset. No one likes to be yelled at, especially if they can't yell back.
That is where kids at this age and older find themselves in a dilemma - how to express their anger without being disrespectful? I am not a "I'm your friend mom, so you can say anything." No, I believe in respect. You can't say anything to me because you may forget that you are the child and I am the mom, hence that TV show, I Hate My Teenage Daughter and any other show on TV where the parents "allow"
