Why My Next Trip To Publix Could Land Me In Jail
I have been absolutely exhausted this week. I had forgotten how tiring packing for a move can be.
It is a vicious cycle. I go to bed on time, only to lay awake thinking of all of the things that need to be done. How am I going to pack my fine china? What about my books? You can only pack so many in a box before you need someone with the strength of Hercules to pick it up. If some of my antique collectibles get broken I’m going to go all Southern girl craaazy on someone.
My blood pressure rises at the thought.
I get up to take my blood pressure medicine so hopefully I can relax enough to fall asleep. I drink a ton of water because in the middle of all of this I’m starting to go through peri-menopause and I’m parched all of the time. Good grief, could this get any worse?
I crawl back in bed. I finally drift off to sleep only to wake up an hour later because now I have to pee because I drank so much water. I sneak out of bed without waking up Dale and go do my business. I crawl back in bed but now my feet are freezing because the tile in the bathroom is so cold.
I cover myself up with my grandmother’s afghan only to wake up an hour later sweating to death. Is it because I’m under 80 pounds of yarn or is it that dang peri-menopause again?
I lay awake thinking about packing and then I begin thinking about peri-menopause. Getting older stinks. My blood pressure rises again. I don’t want to take more medicine but now I can’t fall asleep.
After what seems like an eternity, the alarm buzzes and I get up to wake my step-son and get him ready for school. I make breakfast and pack his lunch and then sit at my computer in the kitchen like a zombie. I may or may not be drooling. I am EXHAUSTED.
The carpool picks him up and I go back to bed. Why? One, because I’m getting old, and two, because I CAN.
I fall back asleep rather quickly considering my raging thoughts over the previous six hours have kept me awake.
I wake up and realize I better start packing if we are going to be out of this house in two weeks. I put on my old sweatpants and a t-shirt. I look in the mirror. Holy cow. I look awful. The way I look right now is the reason some men start having affairs.
I look down at my hands. My beautiful manicure I had over Thanksgiving? Well, it’s gone. It now looks like I have been on Survivor and I’ve been using my nails as primitive tools to open coconuts.
I pack a few more boxes before I realize it’s time to go pick up the kids from school. I’m driving like a little old lady (which I’m apparently getting close to being) because I know my reaction time would be equal to a little old lady.
I come home and pack a few more boxes. Where in the heck did all of this crap come from? It’s like our dishes turned into rabbits overnight. Out of ten dinner plates, we now have 20 salad and bread plates.
I want to take a nap but I realize I need to go to the grocery store to get items for dinner. I head into the store still wearing my sunglasses, praying that I don’t run into anyone I know. Too late. As soon as the double doors slide open, I see another hockey mom who looks all perfect in her designer jeans and perfectly coiffed hairdo. Great. I explain that we are moving and she gives me the “Oh-that’s-why-you-look-like-this” sympathetic head nod. I politely excuse myself telling her I am in a huge rush.
Not really. I just want to go home.
I go through the checkout line and walk my grocery cart to my car.
What the heck? Now my key fob isn’t working.
I open the car door. Wow. I’m so tired I didn’t even remember to lock my car.
I start putting items in the back seat when I look in the front seat and see papers that I don’t remember being there when I drove in the lot. I look around a little bit more. Why are there cheerios all over the floor? I don’t let the kids eat in my car.
That’s when I realized that this ISN’T MY CAR. I quickly grab my bags back out of the car and race off before the true owner calls the cops on me for breaking and entering.
I hit the key finder on my key fob and my car beeps from across the parking lot. I didn’t even park on this aisle. I’m parked three aisles over.
I get in my car and granny-drive home.
Maybe I’ll take a nap as soon as I get home or maybe I’ll open that bottle of wine I just purchased. In my peri-menopause-old-age state of mind, I decide that’s the way to go.
And I don’t know how I did it, but I somehow pulled into the right driveway. I only know this because my husband (and not my neighbor) came out to help unload the groceries.