Fat Talk: Why Kids Need to Hear Us Talk About Our Bodies
Everyone in my life has said it at least once.
“I don’t like the way I look. I want to change it so that I can feel better.”
I’ve said it. I’ve said it many times, as a fat person. Mostly, it’s to do with my health. I want to lose weight and feel better, health-wise. And I’ve started doing that, because some of the medical problems I have can potentially become life-threatening if I don’t pay attention to them now. But I’ve also said it in relation to the way I look. I sometimes don’t like the fact that I am fat. I sometimes think that I’m unbearably ugly. And though I do take the view that fat is not always an indicator of health and it’s definitely not an indicator of how beautiful you are, society, or attitudes in my life, or whatever it is, can get to me.
I really like the two articles going around lately about talking to children about their bodies. In a nutshell, they preach body positivity, health and wellness, and don’t focus on weight as an indicator of beauty. Society wants us to think that thin equals beautiful, and it’s having an effect on our children. Kids as young as five years of age talk about wanting to lose weight and be less fat so that they can be beautiful. That’s a pretty disgusting thing for a young child to say to you. Those articles are full of great ways to talk to kids about their bodies and about society’s views towards weight and beauty. They’re great, especially in a world where it can be hard to know how to respond to a child talking badly about themselves.
But there’s one point I just can’t agree 100% with, and that’s this point:
“Don’t make negative comments about your own body. Don’t let him overhear you calling yourself fat, or saying that you should go on a diet. He will learn to love and accept his body by watching how you treat yours. Always remember that he will take his cues on body acceptance from you.”
Okay. I do actually agree with some of that. Children take their views of their bodies from adults. As a nanny, I’m careful about how I present myself to children. I get a lot of questions about my weight and the way I look from curious young kids. I’m not significantly obese, but I’m not thin, either, and many children I look after have thin parents. I try to present the way I look as just another shape that a human being can be. Because really, though I can be thinner, I’m never going to be as thin as their parents. And that’s okay. Not everyone has to look the same. Not everyone has to be thin to feel good about themselves and feel beautiful. I feel that’s an important lesson to teach children. There’s way too much of the opposite being taught in our culture.
But here’s the point I’m trying to make: I do think children should hear you talk about your feelings towards the way you look. I think that never talking about the fact that your rounded stomach makes you feel unbeautiful or that you don’t always like the way your thighs look, tells them that if they don’t like the way a certain body part looks, or if they don’t like the weight they’re at, they should stay silent about it. And I don’t think that’s a healthy way to view bodies, either.
My mother has mentioned her unhappiness with the way she looks almost my entire life. She’s done different things to try to change the way she looks, but the most valuable advice she gave me is that if you’re not comfortable with the way you look, you can try to change it in healthy ways. I made the mistake of telling a friend that I didn’t like the way she spoke negatively about herself. In fact, she was empowering herself to find strength to change and become healthier. It’s really easy to get caught up in the other side of the fat acceptance movement, which is to be intolerant to any negative things people say about themselves. And if that’s all they say, then the message they’re getting is the wrong one. Our bodies are beautiful -- and if we don’t feel beautiful, we have the power to find positivity about ourselves and try to change the things we don’t like. But it’s not okay to silence someone. They may be reaching out for help and acceptance. We don’t know until we question why they feel that way about themselves.