I need your help.

Things haven’t been going well with S for a while now.  I know it’s my fault.  I’ve been scared and distant.  I guess I should explain.

We started dating in July.  It was new and it was wonderful.  Everything was perfect (as it always is at the beginning of a new relationship).  But he then at the end of August he left.  He had to go to Maryland for a Co-op. 

I can still remember when he told me.  I didn’t know what to say.  We had just started dating…we were still getting to know each other.  But I was happy for him.  I wanted him to go…it would be good for him.  That doesn’t mean that it made it hurt any less.

While he was gone, my heart ached.  I would cry myself to sleep sometimes because I missed him so much.  I yearned for him like I have no other person before.  It hurt so bad.  But I found a way to make it stop.  I made myself miss him less..I made myself not want or need him.  It was my way and it worked. 

The trouble with this is… when he came home, I remained this way.  I continued to not want or need him.  And I missed him less and less.  It was like I turned my heart off and never turned it back on. 

And it’s not like this has gone unnoticed.  He can tell.  He’s afraid to touch me.  He’s afraid to kiss me because he doesn’t want me to push him away.  I always push him away.

Last night was the first night that we both faced it.  He said that he was afraid that I didn’t love him anymore.  That wasn’t true. 

“I just turned everything off, S.  I’m afraid you’re going to leave me again.  You always leave me.  And I don’t want to hurt as bad as I did before.  I don’t want to feel that way again.”

Our relationship was so new when he went away.  Something like that…something with no solid foundation  can never withstand that kind of distance. 

I’m supposed to tell him at the end of the month what I want to do.  I don’t know.  I know that I want to be with him.  But I also know that we need to start over.  We need a fresh start.  A new relationship that is given time to grow…one that has a solid foundation built on love and mutual respect.  I know that something like that can only happen with time.  And we just didn’t have enough in the beginning.

He’s going away to Maryland again this summer.  And he’s talking about joining the Air Force when he graduates next May.

I’m not sure how much more my heart can handle.