Will I Ever Just Eat Like a Normal Person?

The other morning I caught myself wondering if I would EVER be able to just go through a day without thinking or fretting or purposely denying thoughts and behaviors around food.  Sighing.  It seems almost impossible.

I have this idea that I will get down to a healthy weight and will have met my goal and all will be easy after that.   I'll be able to eat more calories to sustain that level and exercise will have somehow easily and magically knit its way into my daily life. 

I have a suspician that it will not be so easy.

I also have a suspician that I will achieve a better relationship with food that doesn't include overeatting or counting calories, but I think I need to be prepared.

All the years that I've been overweight I've fashioned myself to be a bit of a "I will not be one of those that frets over my weight" folks.  It's exhausting hearing people make comments about the extra bite of desert and the tight pants and the blah blah blah.

I probably didn't like it because I wasn't part of that group caring about it and I didn't want to be part of that group.  I had other things to focus on in life that seemed far more important.  And yet, here I am, gauging whether I should take an extra long walk in preparation for a pizza dinner and assessing the waist band of my jeans.

It also occurred to me the other day that many of the skinny-winnies actually have to work to stay skinny.  Sure, there are lots of people - many of whom are skinny-winnies - who just naturally seem to stay leaner than my relatives regardless of diet, but even so, I am a bit astounded to see some very skinny-winnies at the gym working out.

And so I realize I shouldn't be so snotty.  They have to work at things as well to stay at a fit level they enjoy.

And then I appreciate that I have it so much better.  They don't know what it's like to be fat.  They can only fear it.  And if it happens it will haunt them and stress them and cause them to go through all sorts of emotional turmoil and self-criticism and self-judgement.

For me?  Heck.  I ate a lot.  I have some chunky genes.  I stopped exercising.  I ate far more than my daily calories required.  I've been fat.  I've been less fat.  I've been more fat.  I've had friendships that don't care what fat I am and I've got a partner that fell in love with me at a medium fat and seemed to love me more even as I got more fat.  And I've got kids who love to sit on my fat stomach and giggle and jiggle.  

I have it far better than the skinny winnies who have the fear of the unknown and the possibilities in front of them.

Of course, I have my fears.  Can I sustain what I'm doing?  Can I sustain it once I am back working again and no longer focusing on myself as first?

I hope so.  I think so.  The me I envision with my kids and my family is a balanced active me and right now I'm working towards creating that.  I know it will have its challenges, but I think it's possible to do without being ruled by concerns over diet and food.

As for today...Jillian Level 3 and then a 40 minute walk.  I love doing the plank things at the beginning.  I now am okay with the mountain climbers.  I jumped during the majority of the lunge jumps.  I used the stairs in lieu of the walking push ups.  I really rather like the jumps at the end.  My right side plank is far easier than my left side plank (or vice versa).  That Superman move kinda confounds me, but I'm doing something that is tiring so I think I'm doing it relatively okay.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner were all healthy and appropriate portions though we did have dark chicken meat in our tortilla soup instead of chicken breast because the store was out and it was SO MUCH TASTIER.  And I also noticed that the desire to graze and eat is vastly diminished now that I'm feeling healthier.  I think that's interesting.  Oh, and I ate some cheddar cheese and it was AMAZING!

Now, hopefully a better night's rest than last night!

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