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Rita Arens authors Surrender, Dorothy and Surrender, Dorothy: Reviews. She is BlogHer.com's senior editor.  Her parenting anthology and BlogHer'...
 
 
 
 

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Will Your Child Be Kidnapped?

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I keep my parenting nightmares in a silver box in my head. I try not to open it, ever, because if I do, I tend to leave that nice place called "Reality" and slide quickly down into "Paralyzing Anxiety."

My worst fear, of all the fears, is that my daughter will be taken from me. I have to work constantly to ignore the possibility of kidnapping, because she is so often out of my grasp at daycare. However, it appears research doesn't support the Massive Freak-Out I'm about to have just because I'm even writing about this topic.

According to Momstyle:

The Department of Justice reports that there are only 115 stereotypical kidnappings per year, in which a stranger or acquaintance abducts a child to hold for ransom or abuse and kill him or her.

Apparently, strangers aren't the real danger. Here's more from Glamorous Mom:

The recent cases in the headlines however, appear to be non-family abductions. It is estimated that 3,200-4,600 non-family abductions are reported to law enforcement each year. Most offenders are someone known to the family, such as a casual acquaintance. Of those reported, approximately 200-300 are total stranger abductions, someone not known to the family kidnaps the child. Although the headlines lead us to believe that the number of stranger kidnappings is on the rise, most studies show no increase or even a decrease.

Good to know, right? Other people probably don't want your child, or even if they do, they're not going to act on that desire.  It's probably fine to let your child walk down the street without you, provided he or she knows not to pet anyone's puppy, follow them for candy or let them touch anywhere a swimming suit would cover. The world is not necessarily a terrifying place, at least as far as kidnapping is concerned.

I don't want to downplay kidnapping too much, though, because while chances are far greater your child will be in a car accident with you driving than be kidnapped, it does happen. And even 115 times is too many.  So, don't panic, but do print out this list from Help Find My Child and tuck it away somewhere safe.

  • Report your child as missing to local law enforcement or dial 999* as soon as possible.
  • Ask if your child can be placed on the www.missingkids.co.uk website (.com for the US). Only a police officer can refer a child to the website.
  • Ask for the name and contact number of the officer you have spoken to.
  • Limit access to your home until law enforcement arrives. Don’t touch or remove anything from your home or your child’s room – anything in your home could hold a clue to the whereabouts of your child.
  • Write down what your child was wearing the last time you saw them and remember to include distinguishing features such as birthmarks, scars, tattoos, piercings etc.
  • Make a list of your child’s friends and contacts. Try and include addresses, phone numbers, e-mails and mobile numbers if you know them. This can save valuable time.
  • Find a recent photographs of your child.
  • Keep a notepad by your phone to log down who calls you and the times of calls.
  • Keep a diary or notebook to hand – this comes in useful as you may think of questions you want to ask or think of some information, which you may later forget.
  • Look after yourself – your child needs you to remain strong and healthy!
  • Talk to someone about the feelings you have.

 You will probably never need this list, despite what the television news would have you believe.  But I wanted you to have it anyway.

 

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CEEBEE 5 pts

I was at the library waiting to check out. The little boy behind me was there with his dad. I said to him that my children really liked the book he was holding (Madeline). He did not look at me. His dad did not look at me. I said he was smart not to talk to strangers, but it was probably ok when he was with his daddy. No response.

It is a fine line that we walk as parents. We want to protect our children and we want them to grow up to be well adjusted adults. I don't know the back story of that father and child, but I hope he teaches the child that he can talk to a grownup when he is with him.

Greeblemonkey 5 pts

I also recommend Protecting The Gift to everyone I know and we have a great video from John Walsh called Stranger Safety. I wrote a post about it a while back:

http://www.greeblemonkey.com/2008/02/stranger-dang...

cagey333 5 pts

 Coincidentally, I have also been talking about this topic this week!  I just finished Lenore Skenazy's Free-Range Kids and have reviewed it on my site.  I highly recommend it! Skenazy makes sense and she will seriously ease many of your fears, Rita.

Kelli Oliver George

http://rancidraves.blogspot.com/

http://abooblog.blogspot.com/

SomethingGirl 5 pts

The number of abductions referenced here is very scary.

 I recommend The Safe Side dvds made by Julie Clark and John Walsh. They teach your kids in a non-scary way what to do if someone tries to take them. It's good for parents and kids to watch together. The video is a bit hokey and inconsistent in its direction (the stupid gorilla and SuperChick's hair, for example) but it does a good job of teaching without scaring. 

 (Chrome won't let me hyperlink you to the site, for some reason but you can google it.) 

Natasha Loewen of Becoming Something ( http://www.becomingsomething.com/ ).

Jozet at Halushki 5 pts

My two oldest kids are almost-8 and 10. I hope I didn't come across as saying a 4yo can be taught to be safe enough to allow out of one's sight in public.

I was only saying that  when kids do get lost, they can then get themselves into dangerous situations of all kinds - not just abductions - if they panic and/or start wandering.

There is a lot of teaching that can go on even with toddlers that doesn't have to be scary or just words, words, words. Most kids can get by with a few basic Pavlovian responses to specific situations, but they do have to be taught. Even getting a little kid to learn to yell in a public place can be - ironically and maddeningly - difficult, especially as in every other situation they encounter, they are told that it is a no-no. Whne kids panic, all the rules change. In every other situation they are taught that when an adult extends their hand to you, they are helping you, protecting and you should go with them...most kids don't want to believe that they are being led toward danger by a grown-up, so they don't believe it until it's very obvious.

With my older kids, my tact is different and more matter-of-fact: There are people out there who hurt kids in all different ways. They are far and few between, just as house fires are far and few between. Let's hear the bad stuff, learn what to do just in case, and then get on with life.

Halushki.com

AmberS 5 pts

I found Protecting the Gift to be helpful, too. It confirmed some of my impulses - like allowing my child to talk with strangers of her choosing, and not filling her up with lots of scary stories and useless admonitions. But my key take-away was teaching your child to yell, "This is not my dad!" if he or she ever feels threatened by a stranger. Because most people who see an adult and child in a disagreement will typically assume it's a parent.

I will be honest, I am nowhere near letting my own 4-year-old out of my sight. And I panic when I can't see her in a public place. But knowing that there is very little actual danger has still been helpful, and reminded me to focus on actual, rather than imaginary, dangers.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com ( http://www.strocel.com )

Jozet at Halushki 5 pts

Practice, practice, practice your "What to do if lost or grabbed" scenarios (as age appropriate.)

 It's one thing to tell a 4yo to sit on her butt and stay in one place if she gets lost. It's another thing for the child to actually do it in a panic situation. Go to the store. Have her practice sitting in one place. If she can speak, show her how to approach another "mommy" or "granny" and tug on their shirt to get attention. Practice at stores, at the playground, at different places. It takes 10 seconds and most people are really good about helping you out with your practice sessions. Build the "muscle memory" for what to do if lost. Then later, work on what to do if something more scary happens.

We prepare, practice, and then let out more leash.

Halushki.com

Jozet at Halushki 5 pts

Read Gavin De Becker's book Protecting The Gift. It talks about understadning the difference between useful fears that should be paid attention to, and how to separate them from the wash of general anxieties that we try to talk ourselves out of everyday. There are some fears that should be acted on soonerrather than later, and  - unfortunately -we sometimes poo-poo the real warning signals simply because we don't want to seem like we're over-reacting.

Learn the signs of "grooming".

Teach your kids what to do if they get lost, even if that just means sitting on their butt and not moving - instead of wandering kids get even more lost. The stories I can tell you from working retail would give you heebie-jeebies. Kids wander into the oddest places and out open doors looking for Mommy.

Teach your kids what to do and say even to the point of what happens if the bad guy does get them into a car or out of a building. Kids are so programmed to follow when an adult holds their hand or even to believe the "nice words" an adult is saying even as they are being led out of a building. They want to trust.

But the also need to know when to trust the right people. Simple "stranger danger" can be just as dangerous if it paralyzes a child from finding real help in a lost situation.

Also, maybe because so many kids are abducted by family members and acquaintances, we shouldn't assume that because we aren't currently in "that type" of situation, that things couldn't change overnight. I think that focusing on the more rare stranger abductions and not also thinking that a family or acquaintance abduction couldn't happen in our family is naive and unprepared. There is a greater chance of it.

We've had the unforutunate experience of being close to the victims of both kinds: an infant niece was abducted for a week by a close family friend who went off the deep end one day (and the niece was finally found alive and well.) A 16 yo friend of our family was abducted from her work place by absolute strangers - altough groomed ver time - and murdered. If you would have told me that we could have been the victim of a family/friend abduction, I would have told you that you were very wrong. 

After all that, I still do give my kids a long leash. But most of the hard work is teaching them to be aware and to know what to do. When they are young, it's a trust exercise on my part, but also keeping a level-headed amount of "where are they at and who else knows this- both people who could help them and people who could possibly be a problem" at all times. It's second nature.

Finally, ask your school and scout troops, etc. what their reaction time policy is if a child is lost or missing. I witnessed a lost child incident at school, and school protocol was to not contact police for over 15 minutes. A local group of scout leaders had no idea how to lock down a building, do a search, and some leaders actually said they wouldn't want to call 911 too soon - wait a half hour or so - because they didn't want to get in trouble themselves or cause uneccessary panic. A half hour and your kid is in another state.

 Know who you're leaving your kids with as much as possible.

Sorry...a topic unfortunately near to me.

Halushki.com

sugarbritches26 5 pts

I'm always terrified of these types of occurences. If my kids get more than 5 feet away from me in public I'm freaking out.  

A.A.