Wind & Waves

Sometimes I forget.  

I forget who holds the power. I like to be in control. I try to play tug-of-war with the Creator of the universe to take control of the power. And just when I think I’m close to winning, I’m reminded that I can’t.

The storm that day was fierce, Mark tells us. “Furious squalls” broke over the boat. The disciples were terrified. Those who walked closest with Jesus were frightened. These men were dirty from following their Rabbi so closely. They walked so closely behind Him that the dirt from His sandals made their clothes dirty. Yes, these faithful men were “terrified.” They had heard parables. They had seen Him perform miracles. They knew His power and what He was capable of. They knew the man sleeping down below was the One who created the waters that in that moment they feared. Yet, they were terrified.

I’ve been there. Have you? Waves have crashed over my boat. I’ve been terrified. I’ve wondered if he didn’t care if I drowned. I’ve accused Him of sleeping on the job.

I had just lost pregnancy number three to a first trimester miscarriage. My doctor gave me minimal hope from the word “go.” However, in childlike faith we started the journey towards being parents with reckless abandon. Seven months later, we were pregnant for the first time. Eleven months after losing that precious angel, we found we were pregnant with number two, only to have it taken away a month later. Weeks later, number three seemed to come and go in the blink of an eye.

My world felt like it was collapsing around me. Hope seemed debilitating. Dreams felt paralyzing. I was numb to the world around me. I felt like my boat was going to sink. At moments I felt like an imposter walking around with a mask slapped upon my face, playing the part of a Godly woman. I was broken. Defeated. Desperate.

In my brokenness, I was once again reminded of the One who holds the controls. While the waves tossed around my floundering boat, I pursued the Man who lay sleeping. He answers us, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” (Mark 4:40)

Ouch! I have every reason in the world to have faith. I know Him. He’s always, always been there. Even though we don’t know the end of the story yet, we still have no reason to fear. He is faithful.

I walk by our empty nursery (that currently doubles as a junk room) every day and grieve its vacancy. This wasn’t how I wanted our story to read; but, I have every reason to have faith that the author of the story isn’t done writing yet.

My faith right now rests in not knowing the outcome. My faith resides in the calmer of the storm. Faith is not focusing on the waves that crush me and threaten to capsize my boat. Instead, faith is staring into the eyes of the one who quieted the waves by saying, “Quiet! Be Still.” And they listen even if my circumstances don’t change.

What is your storm? What are the waves that threaten to demolish whatever it is that you are standing on? Who holds the power? Have you given the power to circumstances that thrash around you and threaten your faith? Or, have you surrendered your power to the One whom the wind and waves obey?

My prayer for you, is that your storm would be calmed, and even though you may find yourself terrified and powerless, that you would surrender yourself to the one who calms the storms.

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