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Wishy-Washy Parenting
by Dawn
The
one thing all the parenting gurus agree on is the importance of
consistency. Yes sir, to raise responsible, moral, emotionally healthy
kids that will someday move out of your house and support themselves,
parents need to be consistent. We must do what we say and say what we
mean each and every time. After last Thursday night, I realized my
kids are screwed.
Early that evening I reminded my eighth grade daughter that she
needed to get to bed early that night. She was getting over a cold and
was spending the night with a friend the following night. We are at
the evolving bedtime stage with her. When my kids were younger, we had
a nonnegotiable 8:00 bedtime; as they aged, we moved it to 8:30. This
firm bedtime was partly because I believe kids are easier to live with
when they are well rested, and partly because I know I’m easier to live
with when I have time off from parenting in the evening.
But at some age, parents need to step out of the bedtime setting
business. I don’t know if there is one best way to abdicate this job,
but usually around 7th or 8th grade I stop talking about a set bedtime
each night. I do talk about what their bodies need. If they are in a
sport, I remind them that their bodies need more sleep to repair and
build muscles. If they are getting over an illness, I become the
concerned Florence Nightingale (just call me “Flo”) encouraging an
early bedtime. I will often help them with their nighttime routine and
chores to make it easier, and offer a back rub to seal the deal. I
usually only step back in if they are grouchy. I become the anti-Flo
and tell them that they need more sleep or at least more room time.
Last Thursday, I was in Flo mode—concerned about my dearest’s health
and the fact that she didn’t want to miss the sleep-over on Friday
night. She dutifully headed upstairs around 8:30. When I checked on
her about 45 minutes later, I reminded her that she needed to turn out
the lights and offered to help pack up her backpack while she brushed
her teeth. She said she could handle it and would be in bed shortly.
So imagine my surprise when I passed her room at 10:30 and saw that her
lights were still on. I ditched Flo so quick her little nurse’s hat is
still spinning. I was ticked!
I barged in and let fire. “You need sleep for your body to heal”
“10:30 is too late on any night, much less the night before a
sleep-over when you have a cold.” And here’s the real point: “It is
disrespectful to disregard my instructions and just do what you want.”
This is the abridged version of my tirade, which ended with “Since you
decided not to get enough sleep tonight, you can just jolly well get
lots of sleep tomorrow night since you won’t be spending the night
anywhere but right here!” That last statement felt good, really good.
It wasn’t until my daughter wailed “But Mom, I have a history test
tomorrow” that I noticed the spread of history books and notes
surrounding her on the bed. She sealed her side of the argument with
“I didn’t do good on the last test, and I need to really study for this
one.” Nothing like a studying child to take the wind right out of your
parental indignation sails. But there was still enough wind left to
fuel my parting shot: “You should have thought about that earlier this
evening!” Hah, take that.
By the time I reached the bottom of the stairs, the second guessing
had begun. Yes, she needed her sleep; yes, she should have started
studying sooner; yes, she could have explained this to me earlier
rather than just blowing me off. But, she was studying rather than
listening to her iPod or talking on the phone. Is it fair to take away
the sleep-over, especially since it was with a friendship I am trying
to encourage. (Read: with a child whose parents have similar rules to
mine.) I reacted so strongly because I felt that she had blatantly
ignored me. Respect is the cornerstone to our family relationships,
and her behavior felt disrespectful. On the other hand, it was
possible that the time had crept up on her. Wish-wash. On the one
hand…but on the other hand.
Oh, how I hate the second-guessing. Am I being wishy-washy or am I
being reasonable. I don’t think of myself as inherently indecisive,
but as my children have aged, I find myself sitting in the gray zone
more. Is this wise parenting or is this lazy parenting?
It seemed a whole lot clearer when they were younger. Nothing bugs
me
