Wistful

I am wistful today. I am pondering what might have been. Sounds maudlin doesn’t it? Those who know me would tell you that is not a feeling they would associate with me and they would be right.  I don’t live in the past; it does no good to live there. But I must confess I am visiting today.

It is my daughter’s seventeenth birthday and as I celebrate this day with her it reminds me that her Dad is not here to celebrate with us. He passed away when she was 12 days old.  As I look at her I see him and wish he could see the wonderful young lady she is becoming. That’s where the wistful part comes in. I wonder how my children feel not growing up with their Dad. Of course there was nothing I could do about that, but still I wonder if I filled some of the hole he left.

How would our lives have been different? Would I have been a different parent, a different person? I think I would have been very different. I would have been a softer person, not so controlling, perhaps not so blunt. What kind of parent would he have been?  I like to think he would have been wonderful.

I have moved on. Moving on is something I believe in, not getting lost in what might have been, and in the moving on, I have left my husband behind. This too makes me wistful. But only for the moment, only for today, for I have built a whole other life. A happy life, a life full of love and promise.

I have found someone who loves me, someone I can love. My children are wonderfully happy and unique people. So on this day when I am wistful, I will think about all the great things that I have been blessed with and perhaps it will lighten the sting of the past. Isn’t that how we get through things? Looking toward the future? Making our life all about the blessings instead of the heartache?

I sit here for a moment glancing at the past, now that moment is gone and I move with confidence toward my future, pushing back the wistfulness where it belongs – in the past.

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