Woman lectures ladies on being alone on Valentine’s day, world laughs at her face

(or that’s what I want to happen)

Susan Patton wrote a hilarious article on the Wall Street Journal, it’s a groundbreaking  piece of satire entitled A Little Valentine's Day Straight Talk. Or at least that’s what I thought until I realized the dubbed ‘Princeton Mom’ was seriously telling me to stop watching Downton Abbey and smarten up (by getting a husband).

Woman, watching Downton Abbey is smartening up. Get Netflix or something and dive into Maggie Smith’s witty, British put-downs!

Back to present day, somehow the WSJ was like 'Hey, you know what we don't have enough of? Old ladies giving out unsolicited draconian dating advice to a generation she couldn't possibly understand'. And so they called up Ms Patton. If you don't know who Princeton Mom is, here's a quick summary: last year she wrote to Princeton's student newspaper urging college women to look for men (men like... her son Daniel who goes to Princeton). At the time she was pretty clear that hunting for a husband in Princeton should be an aggressive type of saga.

 Let’s go through the bits I found most hilarious (apart from the bit that says she is launching a book in March called Marry Smart: Advice for Finding 'The One', which I cannot wait to read, personally).

“Despite all of the focus on professional advancement, for most of you the cornerstone of your future happiness will be the man you marry.”

Screw writing and thinking and reading. I am putting on my petticoat, pinching my cheeks and going out to find the ‘cornerstone of [my] future happiness’. I got no time to study women’s suffrage or feminist theory anymore (EW EQUAL RIGHTS). I’ve been wasting my time. Who needs a career when you have a cornerstone of happiness anyway?

“Think about it…”

Oh! Thinking! I thought I wasn’t supposed to do that anymore. OK.

“You're not getting any younger, but the competition for the men you'd be interested in marrying most definitely is.”

Ms Patton, thank you for telling it like it is. I was unaware getting a husband (and consequently being happy forever and ever and ever) was a brutal, pitiless Olympic sport. I’ve let all these women (WHO I HATE. I HATE ALL WOMEN WHO HAVE HUSBANDS. UGH.) catch their men with their fish hooks before me - they won.

I didn’t even realise I should be (aggressively) hunting a man, tricking him into marrying me with my female witchery so I can make him eternally unhappy (that’s how men feel about marriage! They hate it! Haha! The ol’ ball and chain!).

“If you want to have children, your biological clock will be ticking loud enough to ward off any potential suitors. Don't let it get to that point.”

Tick tock, tick tock.
Potential future husband: What is that?
Her: Oh, it’s nothing, nothing.
TICK TOCK
Potential future husband: Are you sure? It’s really loud.
TICK--
Her: Yeah – it’s nothing! NOTHI--
TOCK!!!!
Potential future husband: Oh shit. It’s your biological clock isn’t it?
Uterus: THIS IS YOUR UTERUS, YOU CAN’T HAVE BABIES NO MORE!
Ex-boyfriend: *runs away*
Her: *cries forever, adopts fifty cats*

"Those men who are as well-educated as you are often interested in younger, less challenging women.”

All that money I spent on college education means I am less desirable to men who are as educated as me. Ms Patton, why did you let me spend all this money in the first place if my main goal in life is imprisoning a man in a suburban house and having a ten babies before I am 30?? You are the worst.

“And if you start to earn more than he does? Forget about it. Very few men have egos that can endure what they will see as a form of emasculation.”

‘Hey, honey, I'm home! Guess what? My boss offered me a raise today. We could pay off our student loans, go on a vacation to Spain, fix the car… *laughs* But I told him to shove that extra money up his because my baby doesn’t like to be emasculated!’

Ms Patton - is the above speech the correct way to keep my (future) husband?

“When you find a good man, take it slow. Casual sex is irresistible to men, but the smart move is not to give it away. If you offer intimacy without commitment, the incentive to commit is eliminated.”

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