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When I posted an earlier version of this reflection on how we women are too hard on ourselves, a concept I revisit periodically, I was surprised that immediately following the post at my personal blog, two women dropped by to say, "Amen!" It was one of those days when I was writing to speak to myself and not so much to others, reminding myself that I have more work to do on the path of self-acceptance so I can enjoy the view.
But I struck a chord with my sisters online. When I look around the Net, I see other women, young and old, struggling with the need to accept themselves as they are, not so they can lounge around and stop seeking to be their best selves, but so they can live in the moment and enjoy the journey forward.
If we can let go of our idealized selves, we'll discover peace and joy. That's one of the points I made in a BlogHer post on obstacles to happiness, "Happy is as Happy Does."
Flowing from the understanding that expectations of perfection from the self can lead to bouts of sadness, it's reasonable to say a lack of self-acceptance is also one of the roadblocks to happiness. We don't like ourselves as we are and we can't let visions of the ideal self go. (Blogher)
A few days ago, I spotted an article from O Magazine by Noelle Oxenhandler at CNN with a similar thought. The article's title is "Why Friends Like Your Least Favorite Pictures." In it Oxenhandler talks about why loved ones love our imperfections and how we could benefit from relaxing and doing the same.
When my own daughter was small, she adored her grandmother Rose. Though Rose was wrinkled, white haired, and stoop shouldered, my daughter saw her as physically beautiful. Rose's white hair was luminous to her, like the fine-spun angel's hair that goes on a Christmas tree, and her wrinkles were what made her cheeks as soft as the velvety petals of a flower.
Once, while sitting in my lap, my daughter stroked my cheek and said, "You're pretty, but you don't have enough wrinkles."
We say that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," but what would it mean to look at ourselves as though we really believed this were true? The Tibetans have a saying: Who looks not with compassion sees not what the eyes of compassion see.
Today, when the suspicious stranger looks into the mirror at her own reflection, I'm going to remind her of that. And who knows? If she can summon enough compassion to let go of her critical gaze, maybe she'll catch a glimpse of a woman dissolving in laughter-and see her with the eyes of a friend. (CNN, where I recommend you read the entire essay)
I gather the article is part of Oprah's lessons in self-appreciation project.
The older I get, the more I realize that much of our discontent is not about others and what they do or have done to us, but what we do to and think about ourselves.
Amber at The Amber Show blog is young enough to be my daughter, but she has been contemplating what it is we women do to ourselves as well. After reading blogs written by women who will attend BlogHer '09, she asks, "Are We Women or Are We Mice?"
I’m all for poking good-natured fun at myself… I do weird shit sometimes, like blending pieces of paper with a hand mixer, but I’m very careful never to say anything about myself that I wouldn’t say to my best friend, or my sisters, or any other woman. Think about it: if you’re a chick, picture your reaction if you were at a coffee shop with two other women you’re friends with. Friend A says to Friend B, “Ugh! Your hair looks so retarded today!"
The horror. The nerve! But so many of us say stuff like that about ourselves all the time, and it’s just not cool. (Amber)
Do you find yourself doing the same, speaking ill of yourself in order, perhaps, not to appear cocky or threatening to others? Have you noticed men don't do that? This is not to say take up bragging because that also can be a negative, but learning to not insult yourself habitually in public or private is a worthwhile pursuit.
My mother used to call this tendency to belittle ourselves in our heads "playing the wrong tapes," the ones
