I was eating in a museum cafe last weekend when a mom and son walked by my table.

"Nathan, you are helpless and annoying," she said to him. I winced. And then I Twittered it.

I thought about it a lot that day, without judging her, really. Everyone gets tired and irritated at times, and sometimes people big and small CAN annoy and CAN appear helpless, for no apparent reason. But what I thought about as I took the subway home was how much time we spend with - and in conversation with - our families, however we define them. And how easy it is, despite our best intentions, to direct words towards people we love that aren't helpful, or nice or respectful, whether it's out of lazy communication, misplaced or deeply-held anger, or just feelings we don't have anywhere else to dump. And I know from experience that this can be a dicey thing to do, because the things about these kinds of words, no matter how randomly they're thrown around, is that some of them can stick - for years.

The day after the museum trip, I was back on the subway again, this time headed to a baseball game with my father. Two sisters got on and sat directly across from me. The older one berated the younger one in whispered tones, the entire time on the train. She told her she was terrible, basically - that her life would never change. And every time she finished a sentence, she'd sit back in her seat, sneer, and the other girl would sink back in hers, obviously upset.

I couldn't stand it. It made me sorry for any time I'd ever spoken unkindly to my sister. It made me want to swoop this girl up and tell her to run, family ties be damned. And when I hit my stop, when I got up from my seat, I stood directly in front of her, looked down, and heard myself say softly "It's going to be okay."

I'm pretty sure she heard me, although who really knows. I never do stuff like this, because I don't consider other peoples' business my own, for the most part, so I don't know where it came from. All I knew was that I could see a person in front of me being hurt by words that wouldn't stop, and I felt the discomfort so acutely it was like it was happening to me. I wanted to share some kind words as a counterpoint to the nastiness being dumped on her, for reasons I was certainly not aware of, and therefore don't understand. In that case, I wanted to be the person standing outside of the inner circle, if that place wasn't safe or happy.

Words are easy to throw out with positive or negative results. Without them, we don't have much. It's hard to have a relationship at all if you don't communicate, but the way you do it - the tone and the vocabulary - can pretty much make or break bonds over the short or long term.

This is pretty basic knowledge that might seem silly to say, and I'm not suggesting sugar-coating conversations to avoid discomfort. There are plenty of times when I've taken the more difficult path (in my opinion) and told someone close to me a truth or expressed a criticism that I thought might hurt, but that felt necessary. I'm not talking about reality checks like "Hey, you hurt my feelings" or "That wasn't cool" or "Why do you always show up an hour late, it gets on my nerves so bad!" or even "Those shoes? Really?" Sometimes we all need a little forthright feedback, and who better than someone close who cares about us (especially about the shoes, seriously?) to dish it?

Still, when words verge on harsh or unnecessarily sarcastic, especially on a regular basis, that can mean it's time to step back and check yourself. As the old cliche goes, "you always hurt the ones you love the most," but I have to wonder, do you - do we - have to? Why reserve harsh talk or insults for one of maybe five-ten-twenty people in our inner circle, even if they probably will stick around regardless? A lot of times, it's because it just happens. When I lived with my mother in recent years, she liked to talk to me in the morning, although I'm barely intelligible before double-digit daytime hours. And when pressed at this hour I can be just horrible. No good.

Beyond this, I know there are lots of words I'd take back over the course of my 37 years, that I've spoken in haste to my sister, my parents, extended family members and friends, fully expecting them to hear them and continue to love me anyway. When I get hungry, or tired, or at the end of whatever rope I'm tying knots in and hanging onto at the time, sometimes I say stupid things. And stupid, unkind things have been said to me by people close to me.

It's an occupational hazard, really. Familiarity breeds contempt on occasion, and if nothing that harsh, at least a little bit of "Oh whatEVER would you STOP (insert annoying family-style behavior here) ?????

What I think matters either during or after these inevitable bumps in the road is the power of genuine, heartfelt apology, and accountability for when we screw up. Recently I had a meltdown in which I said a very unkind thing to my sister. I didn't mean it (not that that matters, because I think that's a dangerous excuse) and I was immediately sorry. I got to work, cooled down, and sent her an e-mail, explaining the difficulties I'd been going through and apologized for taking my damage out on her. In previous, less mature days, I might have waited for it to blow over without saying anything, stewing in my own juices of guilt and anxiety, hoping she'd forgive me by osmosis.

No more. Whereas I am quite certain that it won't be the last time I speak out of turn (one of MY occupational hazards of speaking profusely, daily, to be sure) I do take credits and debits for the things I say, as appropriate. I try not to reserve my best behavior for people who don't live in my house or spend holidays with me. I try to mostly talk nice to them, because I like when they talk nice to me.

Blogging family conversations...

Courtney Benefiel of "Ride to Remedy: Breaking the Chains of Diabetes One Ride at a Time" is a competitive bicyclist racing in the the Tour de Cure. She writes about her family too. Recently, she actually talked to her sister.

Normally, I would’ve ignored her call, I do that often to her because we usually end up in a fight. I don’t much enjoy fighting with her anymore, they’re pointless fights, doesn’t get me anything but the feeling of annoyedness and a million questions in my head.

Last night however, for some odd reason, I picked up the phone. It ended up being an hour phone call because I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I had been sleeping and didn’t feel like talking to her (I mean, I could’ve not answered, but since I did I suppose I thought I owed it to her to listen.)...The point of this story is, I actually talked to my sister for an hour without fighting with her or raising my voice.

RCY113 at (Because I Said So) That's Why felt her communication priorities shift after losing a family member.

Memorial Day weekend, my husband’s brother, wife and stepson came to visit. They arrived at 11 Friday night and stayed til 11:30 Monday morning. We had a blast!! It was the first time for us to meet the wife and stepson. They have been married since Nov 2007 but due to some family strain and miscommunications, we had not meet them. I am very happy to say that ALLLLLL past troubles have been worked out and dealt with. Why are there people in the world that will lie to others to keep a family apart? It seems that Lindy’s ex wife told lies to us and his brother’s family to keep us from talking and being a family. Why? JEALOUSLY!!! Plain and simple. We should have realized this sooner but since my brother’s death in 2004, I don’t argue or fuss. I don’t have the heart for it anymore. I will just stay in my corner ALONE and enjoy the quietness. I so crave quietness and no stress these days.

Robin at Connecting Point has been on a spiritual journey of late and it's affecting how she communicates with her brother.

I have made an effort to be supportive to him and his choices. Before my recent spiritual education I would have met this news of him going to war with huge inner resistance, then anger at our government for making such a thing possible. I would have thought of all the terrible possibilities and worried myself sick over his safety. With the gift of my new understanding and ability to bring forgivenss to this situation, I can stop all that and give him what he truly needs, which is my love and my support. Before I might have tried to talk him out of it, and I did for a brief moment in our conversation, blurting out, “Don’t Go!”. But then I backed off. I realized arguing with him will only create mistrust and a division and possibly hurt feelings all around. Do I want that between us as he goes off to war? No.

Megan at Megan's Riddles and Ramblings says she "got her family back"with the help of a new sister-in-law.

Of course, like a packed closet, it got messier before it got cleaner…and louder too. lol Scathing emails were exchanged, and the frustration seemed to reach epic proportions that climaxed to one heck of a phone call! First, there was screaming, then there was just yelling, then arguing, then talking, then…peace. I think it took about 2 hours on the phone. The best money I never spent! (she called me lol)...

But, I realized, life’s too short. Just let it fly. Let it go, and move on. At the end of the day, I love them. Period. Pure and simple. I love them for all the reasons OTHER than they’re my family, and I’m under no obligation to “love” my sister-in-law, but I do. I love my brother for his fantastically wacky sense of humor, and his devotion and dedication to LIFE. I love my sister for her laughter, encouragement, and generosity of spirit, and I love my sister-in-law, because even though she didn’t have to, she had the gumption to yell at me so I could get my head out of my butt! I love her for loving my brother enough to do what he won’t do for himself. I pray that one day soon will find me as much a part of their lives as they are apart of my heart.
And that’s my family!

Laurie White blogs at LaurieWrites. And tries to talk nice to her family, especially when it gets closer to Christmas.