worry and guilt...a parents closest friend!
I've always prided myself as being a person who is basically worry free, or at the very least worry limited. Seriously, it takes a lot to freak me out, or make me over analyze or over think things, and I rarely sit around and burry myself in garbage from the past. I'm kinda one to save those kind of crazy, un-useful emotions for the really big events...like divorce, death, illness, or not having the right color shoes for a blue taffeta and black lace dress (sorry, just had a Sr. prom flashback moment)... Now that you know that much needed information about me (ya right) onto my point...There are many elements about being a parent that are impossible to be prepared for, and no matter how much your older sister tries to warn you help you understand, there is no way to fully get the amount of fatigue, frustration, crazy deep love, guilt and of course worry that will engulf you as a parent. From the moment my daughter slipped into this world (although I'm sure the word "slip" would not be the one used by her birthmother) my world has never been the same. From the moment I saw her beautiful head of thick brown hair and the sweet way her smooshy body formed to mine, I started to worry. All of a sudden this successful, confident woman turned into a nervous wreck, potentially incapable of ever doing anything right again, and consumed with the greater fear of totally ruining the entire life of another human being. It all started with the first time I changed my baby girl, was I wiping the right way? And when I fed her, was I tipping the bottle at just the right angle? Did I burp her enough, should I have her on a schedule, should I let the grocery clerk look under the blanket and am I holding her too much??? And lets not mention that I actually did bathe her when her umbilical cord was still attached! (hey don't judge, I only had 5 weeks to prepare for being a first time parent! BTW, Nothing happened! ;) ) Then there was the guilt of I'm letting her cry too long (because I was peeing for goodness sakes!), she is spitting up too much, is it my fault she has a diaper rash....and so on a so forth. Well now that I am a totally experienced and professional mom who knows it all (do you hear me laughing at my words??) and guess what? I still worry like a freaking nut case and my guilt often sits in the pit of my stomach like a little rock, or maybe it feels more like a wiggly snake...either way, its just all too much sometimes. I thought I would make a little list over the last few days..ok, I'm lying, all this worry was about an hours worth, but here it goes...and if you don't relate to any of this? I so don't believe you, but I wont call you a liar ;) *I worry that they might break a bone jumping on the couch, but if I don't let them they will be woosies (just had to use that word because it kinda makes me smile) *I feel guilty when I sit *I feel guilty that I don't spend enough time with my kids...and worried that I spend too much directing them they will never be independent (in grandmas words "they need to learn how to play alone)! *I'm guilt ridden if I dont "tuggle" my kids till they are fully asleep, and worried that if I do, they will never learn to sleep on their own. *I am full of guilt if I get a sitter to go on a date with daddy...worried if I dont spend enough time with him, they wont have a daddy at home! *I'm crazy guilty that I dont read to them enough..worried the teacher will think I'm a slacker parent (sorry Ms. McDonald! Ill make cookies ;) ) *I'm guilty when I discipline them too hard...worried that if Im too lenient, Ill be visiting them in jail someday! *I worry that I dont teach them enough...and guilty when I lecture (like at 3 and 6 they're going to get my long winded "explanations" anyway!) *Worried about letting them go in the yard alone...guilty I'm crazy over protective! *I feel guilty if I think they might be watching too many cartoons...worried I might lose my mind if I cant be alone for more than 1 second! *I worry someone will take them (ouch this one hurts!) *I worry about bike helmets, and knee pads. Slivers that wont come out, and what ingredients are in their suckers! (seriously, I am so lame) I feel guilty every night when I look at their sweet sleeping faces at the end of my day, that I was too tough, too impatient, too "no" centered. But the one thing that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt in that same moment is that I know my kids know that I love them!! Because the one thing I don't worry about is kissing them too much, holding them enough and saying "I love you" and "you are our biggest blessings from God". My children know they are special and loved beyond measure. So I guess if I mess everything else up, the one thing I will always do right, day after day is make sure my kids are shown love. Fatigue and all. Just in case you are new around here...I am Gena: I am a self titled "professional mess picker upper" and becoming the mother of the two, mommy titled "mess makers" was not an easy road. I've been through the struggle of infertility, and ended up with the two most amazing children through the miracle of adoption. I believe that no matter what happens in life, I want learn and grow from it. I have been a successful career woman but what I treasure most, is my title as a "stay at home mom". (Not to mention co-Earth Monkey company president...that sounds important!) I love my God, my husband, and my children (not always in that order) and if I have to watch one more person fill up 15 plastic bags in the grocery store, I may just go ape all over them! If you like to learn, but don't take life very seriously, we will get along just fine...I will never be stagnant, mentally or physically...so, Ready, Set, Go!!! Take a quick minute and share your worried and guilty moments below would you??? It makes me feel better about myself good to have others to relate to! And "share us" would you please! Thanks for hanging!