Would You Call a Teacher By Her First Name?

In my first three years of primary school I had the same teacher and always used her first name, thereafter when talking directly to a teacher I would call them Sir or Miss (regardless of whether they were married). My first teacher was an experienced infant teacher and I believe her decision to use her first name really helped children to feel at ease in their first years at school.

Dear Melissa, i'm not a native english speaker. What do you make of a teacher who asks to be called Ms. <first name>, Ms. Melissa, if it would be you?

Thanks!

I'm glad that I found this, it is something that I am getting ready to experience in maybe in a unusual way. I am 37 years old and have a 3 kids. While I did take a few junior college courses I never did graduate. I went to work full time at age 21 and after 15 years was laid off due to the economy. For the last six months I have looked for work but have not found anything that would come close to supporting my family so I decided to go back to school. Being my age and having kids I knew that I could not go to a University or really even a community college that will take 2 plus years to complete. We have a medical training school in the area so I went for a visit and registered for a 15 month program.

The program director which teaches most of the classes appears to be younger than me by 3 to 4 years and the other 2 instructors I met are younger than me. From what I have heard the school policy is to address every instructor by Mr/Ms with their last name. I did realize after a while that the program director went by Ms. first name and the other 2 went by Ms. last name, which I thought was odd considering she is the head instructor.

Now I personally don't have a problem with this, I always called my teachers by Mr/Ms last name even in the community college. Just thought I would share my story and see what you thought of it.

I go to public high school, and maybe I'm just eccentric for my area (and my family. go figure.) but I think I would really like calling my teachers by their first names. I'm one of those people that loves bonding with people, and I make a point of learning all of my teachers first names, but I always call them by their last names because it's the rule at my school. I call my choir teacher's wife by her first name, because she told us not to call her by her last name (she thought it was too weird) and now I really prefer it. It didn't change my level of respect for her, or change how I felt about her, she'd be the same person if I called her Mrs. Wisness... but that feels weird to me now. I've only talked to her a few times, but I feel more connected to her than I do to her husband, who I see every day. Because I call her Sarah, I feel like she can relate to me more and I can confide in her way more easily than I could with any teacher. And if I almost call a teacher by their first name by accident, it's because I have that much respect for them that I want to feel closer. For me at least, it just seems more respectful if I call my teachers by their first name, so I don't address them directly at all, or rarely.

Being that I'm in college, I call my prof's by the first name always.
I believe that the whole last name thing is definately respectful - but it's also a little outdated.
There are many other ways to show your respect, & sometimes people just don't want to be called by thier last names.
So it's individual. I'll call my teachers by whatever name they want me to call them by.

We live in a very small town where some of the teachers taught the parents of their current students. We have one mom who not only calls all the teachers by their 1st names but she also address the principal and all other school officals by their 1st names. Several parents have talked about this and all believe that addressing any school official by their 1st name (parent or student) during school hours or during any school event is disrespectful. Your teacher is not your friend. They are there to help you learn and grow. You can have a great relationship with your teacher without addressing them by their 1st name. Both of my children feel like they can talk to their teachers and neither one are allowed to call their teachers by their 1st name.

But can't respect come in different forms? What about following class rules? Or showing appreciation? Or turning in all assignments on time?

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

If my kids were calling someone by their last name, I would do the same if I was in front of the child -- just to keep consistency.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

And that's a much bigger jump -- Mr. A to Dad!

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

It's time, it's time :-) Once you see their status updates and know what they had for lunch, you can call them by their first name.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

My high school journalism teacher has long since become a very dear friend. She even made a multi-hour trip to come to my wedding! And yet still to this day, I can't bring myself to call her by her first name.

I was always taught Mr., Mrs., Miss or Ms. was a sign of respect, something that teachers deserve. In this day and age, teachers don't generally get the respect they deserve... its my feeling is use of their last name inserts a little extra respect to the classroom, then its something students SHOULD do.

Denise
Musician's Widow ( http://www.musicianswidow.com )

I grew up in Ohio and went to public schools. We never called our teachers by their first names. I didn't even know their first names.

Now, my son is in a public school in Kentucky and calling teachers Mr. or Ms. I feel odd calling his teachers by their first names. I usually still stick with Mr./Ms.

I use titles for everyone. Doctor, police officer, everyone. Most everyone where I live does. My son's friends either call me Ms. Angii, Mrs. Ziegler or Leo's mom. Whatever they're comfortable with.

I married the son of my high school physics teacher. I went straight from calling him "Mr. A" to calling him "Dad," with no first name phase in between. I just avoided direct address for about 2 years.

We started a business with two of my husband's college professors, and it took him forever to learn to call his business partners anything but Dr. Lastnames. I finally said, "You know, if I can learn to be comfortable calling your dad, 'Dad,' surely you can learn to call Dr. H, 'Steve!'"

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I went through the public school system in Ontario Canada and it was expected we call our teachers Mr. or Ms....

In university, some of my profs asked that we call them by their first name. I could NEVER do it.

Now, thanks to Facebook, I'm "friends" with a few teachers from my past. I still address them as "Mrs." as I cannot break the habit!

I think tone or attitude plays a part in it, but I really do think that titles or formalities are important. When I go to court on behalf of one of my foster kids, I don't want the judge to say to me, "Jen, tell the court about xyz." It would just be weird.

I also think using first names implies that we're going to build a personal relationship. I want my kids to trust and respect their teachers and coaches, but not be their friends. Not in this day and age, there is too much ick in polite clothing.

I think it also impacts the relationship structures too. If we are all addressing each other in an informal way, thus implying a sort of personal relationship, then we have lots and lots of surface level, acquaintace type relationships we are mislabeling as friendships. Then you have issues with sharing to much or the wrong things with the wrong people.

I think this is a very big topic and quite interesting to unpack.

I'm inside your head :-)

And this is a case where the professor should be called what the professor wishes -- you know, within reason.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I can't believe you wrote a post on this! I was just thinking about this very topic this morning.

I teach college courses and always give my students permission to call me by my first name--some are uncomfortable doing that, and that's fine, too.

One of the classes that I teach is anatomy. It just doesn't seem right to discuss prostates and vaginas and then ask them to call me something more formal. LOL.

However, the department (and I believe the college) preferred students call us by formal titles (Mrs., Ms., Mr., Professor, etc.). I just didn't feel comfortable with it.

Jacqueline Wilson (aka: WritRams) is a writer, blogger, educator, mother and wife. You can find her on her Writer Ramblings blog at www.WritRams.com ( http://www.writrams.com ) writing about a little of everything...maybe even you.

I was in the same situation -- but the reverse. I was the professor, but I was younger than almost all of my students at the university. I still liked using my first name because I thought it sent the message that everyone in that room was on the same team, all of us trying to figure out this crazy world of literature. We just had different roles to play on the team.

Though I was given advice that as a short, young woman, I should ask people to use my last name. Guess what -- no problems in the classroom in terms of respect or conduct. I'm glad I eschewed that advice :-) Height, age, and sex shouldn't be determining factors in how much respect I receive.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

But do you honestly think it's just name and not all about tone?

I could say, "oh sorry, Officer Jones" in a sarcastic voice, using the formal name but obviously showing disrespect. Or I can say a heartfelt, "I am so sorry, Bob," which respectfully conveys my contrition over having caused a problem. And then, it all comes down to tone, not name.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I just started graduate school last year and it was a little weird because I'm older than some of my professors. I decided to err on the side of formality and address them all "Professor Blank" unless told to do otherwise.

On the flip side, just the other night, in my first class of the semester, the professor, who has a PhD, and is also younger than I am, made a point of telling us all to call him by his first name.

His only exception? If we talk about him with any of his colleagues, he asked that we use "Dr Blank."

He said even though he was informal, many of his colleagues were not.

Great topic Melissa.

Megan

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First names are for peers, friends and family members. A boss, Dr., teacher, police officer, or other person of relative authority would be addressed in a more formal manner such as Mr. Ms. or sir. It is definately a matter of intimacy. If I say to an officer, "Sorry for speeding Bob." It's an entirely different situation than saying, "Sorry officer or sorry sir." I think it is the same with students and teachers. If my son is sent to the office for talking in class, the impact is completely different if it's all warm and fuzzy. If teacher Suzy says, "John, go to Alice's office for talking in class," it's pretty easy and painless. If Mrs. McMurphy says, "John, go to Principal Owen's office or Mrs. Owen's office," there is a certain amount of seriousness laid on the event before the consequence even begins. Not to push this too far forward, but I think this carries through life. If our smallest people are allowed and/or encouraged to be relaxed about respect and authority, embracing everyone as a peer, it impacts us as adults. We as a culture are pretty rude to each other and selfish as adults. Why don't we wonder where that all started or came from?

I agree that it is not the use - or otherwise - of first names that create the inappropriate relationship between student and teacher.

The young woman who I mentioned went off the rails not because of the use of first names, but because she was inexperienced, or possibly she just did not have the aptitude. The use of first names was a symptom of her problem, but a good teacher (in a different school) would have been able to pull it off.

Because I dont agree that a teacher can "get away" with asking students to use their first name in all contexts. For one thing: in my school, the rest of the staff would have seen it as a direct questioning of their authority, the students are put in the middle, and all round - a very difficult situation.

To explain the context even further - most of my friends and school could never refer to their parents as "you". You had to say "Mom, does mom want me to bring mom's handbag?" No grownup could be called by name - it was "Oom" or "Tannie". So calling a teacher by name would be very strange for them.

The art classes I mentioned were offered by a different school - and it was an English school, which makes all the difference. Totally different culture from our Afrikaans medium school. The Afrikaans students could accept that English teachers are different, and that different rules applied.

And I definitely depends on the type of teacher. I knew that I had a great deal of knowledge in my back pocket and a lot of degrees to prove it, but I didn't know everything. Students showed me daily another way to do things or see the world. And being on the same team made more work for me, it meant my good ideas were sometimes thrown out the window, it meant I wasn't the end-all-and-be-all. But that was okay, because my students left my room owning that knowledge with a lot of self-esteem to boot. And I love bumping into them down the road and having them tell me how what they learned about themselves that year affected them for the rest of their education.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Respect may be lacking, but it's not going to be forthcoming simply due to a name. Someone can use "Mrs. Ford" rudely just as easily as they use "Melissa."

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I should add that I call ALL people by their first names unless they've told me a different way they wish to be addressed. I call doctors, lawyers, police officers, teachers -- everyone -- by their first name. I may add a title before their first name such as our rabbi when I say "Rabbi Jacob." But you can be very professional and maintain the correct distance emotionally while using a first name. Names aren't magic suits that give us supernatural powers. Either we have the ability to comport ourselves professionally, or we don't.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I've been in Israeli schools, and seen the discipline problems and they're ... exactly like the discipline problems I've observed in the United States. I think it's a matter of trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. Teenagers and restrictive environments with a lot of expectations don't mix well -- which is not to say that we shouldn't keep trying to mix them.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Definitely depends on the culture of the school, but also what the teacher wants. That's sort of the most important part -- that people are called what they wish to be called. Within reason :-)

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Respect was never a problem in the classroom -- flowing in either direction -- with the first names. I think you can teach your son that, and then he'll carry it with him through all situations.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I think that's the most important point of all -- that the teacher is called what the teacher wishes to be called.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Your last point is well taken, though I disagree that there are places (context) where first names are impossible, or that there are people who shouldn't have their first name used. More accurately, there are simply people who shouldn't be teachers, who can't understand the distance that needs to remain between teacher and student -- teachers are not parents, for instance, and they shouldn't attempt to parent the child. The same goes for therapists or doctors or anyone who works in an emotionally charged environment with people who are clients/customers and not family members/friends, and yet need to interact in an intimate, nurturing manner.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

But I'm assuming you pair the title with the first name? That you don't call them Sister Smith (sorry--not knowing your sister's last name, I plucked one out of the air). I think there's a huge difference between using a title and first name and a title and last name. Kids called me "Morah Mel" (teacher Mel in Hebrew), which I think sets a very different tone from Morah Ford (teacher + last name).

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

Absolutely. The children always knew that I was the teacher and they were the student (and because it was my classroom vs. their house, they had to follow my classroom rules), but I think using first names did give them the opening to step forward sometimes and change the way we did things; open my eyes to the collaborative process of education.

And I live in a heavily-Quaker area, so I wonder how much that influences it.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

My daughter goes to a progressive school where teachers are called by their first names. I'll admit, it was a strange - but brief - transition when we started at the school, but I truly prefer it. The connection between teachers and students is strong at my daughter's school, with a feeling that we are all (student, teacher, parent) on the same team. The kids still respect and look up to their teachers, but the students rise with the respect given back to the them. I love that one of the lessons is that adults can be questioned, respectfully, of course.

I have a hard time calling my kids' teachers by their first names even though that is what they request. I can't imagine my children doing it. I think using Mr. or Mrs. shows respect, something the world is seriously lacking these days.

The reason you call a teacher by her last name is because you have a professional relationship. This is the same reason some bosses prefer to be called by their last names, or a lawyer or a doctor prefers to be called by their last name.

When you're on a first name basis with someone you enter a personal relationship. That sounds all well and good as a teacher, but it makes things much more difficult when you have to discipline them.

I have never had a teacher in high school that I called by a first name, and few of my university professors asked to be called by their first name (however when we began to know them better sometimes we did omit the Dr. from the start of their name).

Some teachers/professors want a professional relationship with their students, some prefer a personal relationship. It's entirely up to the teacher and the way they want to conduct their teaching.

I live in Israel where ALL students call their teachers by their first name. At least that's how it is in public school. I imagine in private religious schools things are a bit different.

Let me tell you- there are plenty of discipline problems in Israeli schools.Plenty. And I'm sure the first name-thing doesn't help.

My theory on this issue is linguistic: There is no Hebrew word for Ms. or Miss. The only word that does exist, "G'veret" is really a title for a married old woman: the equivalent in Spanish would be "Dona". It's totally antiquated. It's like saying "Madame" in English.

Now, Israelis have effortlessly adopted "Mr." They say "Mar" so and so. But they have yet to find a good "Ms" or even "Miss".

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I never called my teacher by his/her first name until college when a professor said, "Please, call me, 'Tom'." I didn't know what to make of that, having attended private school most of my life and not even knowing most of teachers' first names, ever.

But I grew up on Saipan and guilt and respect were two rods that were never spared.

I remember once in fifth grade I saw my teacher at the library and I called him by his first name, "Brad." I remember how thrilling and almost criminal it felt to buck such a tradition.

It's a struggle to navigate this with my own son. I would love for him to call his teachers Mrs. A or Mr. A, even though at his daycare he calls his teacher by her first name. I just want him to respect them and respect the rules, whatever name they are.

Mona writes at kirida dot com. ( http://www.kirida.com )

For me its ok to call the teacher their first name. At other places, they do have Mrs A and Mr B. As long as the teacher is ok with how they are called by their name, its fine.

The schools I went too were all extremely formal and strict, and we never dreamt of calling a teacher by their first name. We had to stand every time they came into a room, and even referring to a teacher as "you" rather than "Mr Whatever" was considered very rude and a sign of disrespect.

We had one young student teacher who asked us to call her by her name. This made us very uneasy, because it put us in the middle. We werent sure if we had to obey her (after all, this was not a command, but a request) but we knew that it would cause problems with the other teachers and the headmaster if we were heard calling her by her first name.

She exacerbated the problem because she did not act like our other teachers, but tried to be our friend. She made us sit on the floor in a circle and tried to get us to share our problems, and told us about her past life. Many of us loved this - but for her other classes, things started to go horribly wrong. She did not know how to keep class discipline, and ended up having a very bad and stormy relationship with some groups of students.

I met her again a couple of years later - and true to form, she once again confided in me that she had made a bad mistake in trying to be a friend rather than a teacher.

What I'm trying to say is that the context in which you are operating is super important. The other side of this story is that many of us went to the art school across the road after school, and there we called most of our teachers by name, and were not expected to behave with such strict discipline. All the teachers and students were comfortable with this way of behaving - it suited the nature of the art class.

The teachers also knew how to keep a firm but gentle discipline and I dont remember there ever being any problems. The rules were more relaxed and so easier to keep.

My own experience as a teacher has taught me there is another thing to consider - the personality of the teacher. We all have to learn how to be a teacher, and there isnt only one way to get the respect of your students.

But I've learnt there is a difference between being a teacher and a "friend". It is one thing to respect students, and another to be so worried about whether they like you that you cannot be an effective teacher.

To finish of my too long already answer -
I dont believe that asking students to call you by name is necessarily blurring the boundaries or making it less likely your class will respect you. But in some cases, the motivation is doubtful, and in some cases, the context just makes it impossible.

I don't necessarily agree that intimacy and respect are paired in the way that you describe. For me, referring to a teacher by their title is a show of respect and admiration, not necessarily a boundary being set up.
Also? "(After all, you don't call your siblings "sister" or "brother" -- holding them at arm's length with a title.)" Actually, I do. In my parent's culture, we refer to our elder siblings with the word sister or brother attached to their names. I still do this with my older sister (and we are very close), and am teaching my son to do the same with his older sister.
As I said, it's not about keeping someone at arm's length, but simply a recognition of the place of respect that they're accorded in one's life.
Wonderful topic.
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I have *such* an opinion about this - mainly due to the fact that when I tell people I called my teachers by their first name throughout grade school and high school I tend to get funny looks. For grades K-4 I was in the Philly public school system and it was always "Mrs" or "Mr". But when I shifted over to Quaker schools almost every teacher, the principal as well as all parents, were addressed by first name only. The idea being as you've described here - that the familiar does not diminish any level of respect, it actually elevates it. My Quaker school classmates and I still viewed our teachers as authority figures. But removing the formal address tells students their voices and their perspectives are equal and that respect is something shared, regardless of title. Luckily, my son who just started first grade, attends a parent participation public school that happens to follow similar tenets. His teachers and entire school staff are called by their first name and the place oozes of mutual respect. :)

I always wonder how much location plays a role. Is it more common to use first names in one area over another?

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

I'm not sure I could have... in fact, they're still Mrs. A and Mr. B in my head. I have a hard enough time calling the boys' preschool teachers by their first names when we see them in other social settings.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

As a kid, it was always Mr. or Mrs. for my teachers. In my son's preschool, the teachers were Miss or Mr. First Name. Now in grade school, it's Ms. or Mr. Last Name.

I think it totally depends upon the culture of the school. I'll call the teacher whatever they want to be called and expect my kids to do the same. Generally, I myself call them Mr. or Mrs. until/unless they tell me to call them otherwise.

~Margaret

Just Margaret ( http://maurhoffbarney.blogspot.com )