I'm with Margaret Cho in calling myself queer. It covers more territory and feels more politically radical to me and can express being genderqueer as well. But, basically I'm bi. For people in the SF Bay Area I recommend the Bay Area Bi Network as a good social organization. They always have a good presence at the SF Pride Parade as well, so I've marched with them sometimes or hung out at their area in the Pride celebration.

One reason not to go around saying that is that as a bisexual woman you become commoditized in a particular way. I'm sure you know the way....by a guy who wants to watch two hot chicks getting it on. If you look in personal ads, it's a whole category to itself. I think it is very annoying that men who are homophobic towards other men would do anything to have sex with two women (or at least watch). It makes it clear how much they think women's sexuality is *for their consumption*. Anyway, it's complicated.

One more reason to say you ARE bi or queer-and-date-men (if you are or do) is to let lesbians know, since plenty of lesbians don't want to date or sleep with or even hang out with bisexual women. And we should respect that. I don't ever want to sail under false colors...

Another complication you don't mention is heterosexual privilege. Lesbians can see that a lot of bisexual women benefit from it. That is often the root of some complicated politics.

Well, I'm Out & Proud, anyway!

----------------------------

Liz Henry
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
Contributing Editor, World and Latin America

Thanks for sharing ths, Liz. I also identify as queer, and see it as a political as well as a sexual statement.

Susan Mernit, Susan Mernit's Blog

follow me on twitter: twitter/susanmernit

friendfeed: friendfeed.com/smernit

If a chick is married to a guy but made out with chicks in college, she's straight to lesbians who believe you have to walk the talk, bi to the hopeful ones who still want to make out with her and "normal" and heterosexual to the older folks at her church who never considered anything else a possibility.  

There's all kindsa words. What matters is what we mean by them. And then we have to ask.

I've always said the only polite question about sexual preference is "Does it include me?" and that only when you're in negotiations. If you're in an exclusive relationship, announcing that you're bi is more like saying, "I'm here unless I get a better offer."

It also depends on how much of a shingle you want to hang up. ;-D

http://www.blogher.com/blog/she-who

i told my boyfriend i am bisexual and he is fine with it but i havent told my mom (and we tell each other everything)i am afraid of what she will say i mean my mom is a lesbian but she thinks different if someone is bi, i just dont want her to think diffently of me. i am so confused on, if i should tell my mom?

Talking about sex has become more prevalent, but a lot of things are still in the dark for a lot of people. The word bisexual has "sex" in it, which makes many assume it's a physical thing. Do you sleep with men and women? People who have done so may think that makes them bisexual.

Some others think you're not bisexual unless you have had serious relationships with both men and women. Still some others think being attracted to both men and women is enough to make them bisexual. And some think that having been with someone of their own gender once or twice, though they're generally attracted to the opposite sex (or vice versa), makes them bisexual.

Studies have shown how wide the spectrum of attraction is for women in general, but it's this confusion in regard to what "bisexuality" means to someone that, for me, bogs the label down with so much stigma. It's almost as though anyone who comes out as bisexual has to prove something where those who are hetero- and homosexual do not. This is unjust, I realize, and I hope that more people coming out will help those who are attracted to both men and women be more secure in their relationships.

Perhaps what we need is a little exposure, though the way paparazzi work, I don't foresee us seeing too much wholesome functionality from the stars who are brave enough to come out about their choices--not because I believe they're essentially dysfunctional, but because stories about happy couples (or triads, or whatever sort of configuration they may embrace) just don't sell.

IMO, looking at someone like Lindsay Lohan is problematic.  She's someone who's shown to have a lot of problems--so her claim of bisexuality may have to do more with attention getting or some other internal emotional struggle (daddy/mommy issues)that we don't know about.

Pink, on the other hand, is older, and probably has a better grip on who she is.  But didn't Madonna make some sort of claim about being bisexual when she was around the same age?  And didn't that change when she met Guy Ritchie?

For women, sexuality is fluid, esp. when we're in our 20's.  Lots of young people--both young men and young women--also experiment (ever hear of LUGS: Lesbians until graduation?  they were big at Smith College, where I attended.)  We have a better grip on our sexualities past the age of 30.  I've seen a number of people come out in their 30's and 40's and they really *are* either gay, bi, or, like myself, really *really* straight. (I've also known some women who've come out only after they've had children--the drive to have a child made them feel they were straight when, deep down, they had no interest in men....)

I'm far more straight than I ever realized, and this was hard for me to come to terms with--because I always hung out with counter-culture types of people who were all over the sexuality spectrum, and I'm very assertive (even with men--don't always play the girly game.) Many of these people have had trouble accepting that I'm straight.  So, sometimes acceptance has to do with the crowd one hangs around with.  I've never totally fit with the totally straights because I've never been a girly-girl (wanting babies and all that), and don't fit totally with counter-cultures because I'm not fluid. Sometimes we make our sexualities too much of a political statement and that doesn't allow for for friendships beyond our own preferred sexualities.

Maybe for Pink she's finally found a crowd that accepts her bisexuality, and she's comfortable coming out with it, and that's good for her.  Better she be honest with herself--and with the public because she is a public figure--than hiding or saying she is to get attention.   But may it not set up for Pink any particular animosities against others who are not like her.

Tish Grier
blogger/consultant

Wotrk: http://spap-oop.blogspot.com

Life: http://lovehopesexdreams.blogspot.com

Now there is a hopeful title - one has something to say, but does not have a clue as to what it is. Disclaimer, I'm not bi, I'm on the other side of the fence.

There is this undercurrent of scepticism and such toward bi-folk, and it bothers me a tad at times, they seem to get little respect from their more committed oppositional wingmates.

This came to mind reading the comment on 'does it make your partner more or less worried you want to stray?' Um, why should it? Does having a broad expanse of attractions somehow make one less monogamous?

Being bi, at least to me (and why do I suddenly have an Everly Brothers song, reworked, in my head? Bi bi love, bi bi happiness... OK, lay off the orange juice, nelle) is about someone individual-focused, loving the person and not factoring in gender as a line in the sand yay or nay element in bonding to another.

By the way, I long suspected Pink of being bi, there were lots of hints over her and Linda Perry (another disclaimer, one of my favourites.)

Bottom line: if someone tells me they are gay or bi or whatever, kewl, it works for me.  

llhaesa

I would say it's really nobody's business. I also think, based on some Twitter and Facebook questioning, that most "bisexual" people actually prefer the term "queer," but maybe it depends on who you are and where you live. "Bisexual" does seem to invite negativity, as does "asexual," because of the prominence of the term "sex" (as AV Flox points out). My V for Vixen column is actually exploring the terms "lesbian" vs. "queer" this week, so it's interesting that you posted this.

--

Laura Roberts, Button Tapper
http://buttontapper.com

This is not an easy question, and I'm sort of all over the map on this one.  I have a difficult enough time understanding and defining my own sexuality to even think about worrying about how someone else defines themselves. That being said, and I am ashamed to admit, but it does irk me a bit when people who have spent their entire lives living under the safety of hetersexual privilege, and never having lived an out life with someone of the same sex, wants to lay claims to defining themselves as bisexual.  Now if you're single and dating, and are open to or are dating both men and women; or if you are in a reltionship that is not confined by monogomy and you date people of both genders; or if you've had a string of relationships in which you have dated people of both genders, then I have no problem with the term bisexual.  To me, that's what bisexual is; someone open to dating either gender, and who does so without gender preference.  

Following this comment thread is powerful for me because all these words are so different that people's experiences, and are used in bothpolitical and personal ways. I believe that many people who could be bisexual do not act on it, and that many women who have acted are very quiet about it. Those who identify as queer are making a statement that sexuality and gender are choices, and political, I think.

The voices that want to treat everyone with kindness and compassion also resonate with me. As a twitter friend said to me, sexuality may not be the hardest thing to come out to oneselff about--but that doesn't mean this isn't hard. It is difficult and takes courage and thought. Thanks for sharing all your views, this is compelling to discuss.

Susan Mernit, Susan Mernit's Blog

follow me on twitter: twitter/susanmernit

friendfeed: friendfeed.com/smernit

Not only would I come out as bisexual, but I did so about fifteen years ago.

I'm a firm believer in living honestly and openly, and so as soon as I came out to myself I did so with the rest of the world as well.  I'm very up-front about it when I'm dating, since I can't imagine building any sort of relationship with someone without them knowing and understanding that part of me.

Over the years, I've been dumped by one person because of it-- I feel like I somehow managed to find the only heterosexual man on the planet who didn't have a hot bi babe fantasy.  He was very honest with me about it, telling me that the idea of me being with another woman really bothered him, and because of that he couldn't keep seeing me.  I was perfectly OK with that, and I'm glad that we had the discussion earlier rather than later.  I hate to think about what might have happened if we'd built a serious relationship and then he found out later.

I've read the responses from people who say they wouldn't or haven't come out, and while I sort of understand them at an intellectual level they don't resonate with me at all.  I just can't conceive of being closeted myself-- it would feel so dishonest that I'd wind up hating myself.

I am completely bi. It was very easy telling my parents that I was bi. My parents are divorced and are lesbian and gay now. Hehe, I guess thats where I get it from. But it was easy for me.

I found the issues in both the post and the comments very interesting. I wanted to share my own thoughts and experiences with the idea of bisexuality to get a sense of whether my ideas about it ring a bell with anyone else or whether it's just my own experience.

I identify as heterosexual and I am in a committed relationship with a man I love and will probably marry. However, in the past I occasionally wondered if I may have been bisexual. This is because I have always found something arousing about the idea of two women making love. Seeing it in pornography, etc., is for some reason very exciting. Noticing this when I was younger and I was endlessly frustrated by my seeming lack of ability to have orgasms with men (I later realized that it was of course the men's problems, not mine), to me one possibility was that I simply wanted to be with women.

But the fact is, though it seemed like a good solution in that era of sexual frustration, I have never felt the sensation of attraction to a woman, while I have been attracted to many men. When it comes down to it, I don't think I would want to be sexually involved with a woman. I've never tried it but I don't feel a desire to experiment. And even if I could bring myself to have sex with a woman, more importantly I can't imagine falling in love with one or having real romantic feelings for one. And of course I have developed romantic attachments with men.

I think that some women may recognize an exotic appeal to women having sex with women, and interpret that as their own bisexuality, while others, like me, simply see the appeal but feel no desire to act on it. And I'm not saying that either way is right or wrong--if a woman labels herself bisexual I'd never argue with her, and if you only want to have sex with men, then I suppose you are heterosexual.

What I'm saying is that there is nothing biologically/psychologically/pathologically different between someone who identifies as heterosexual and someone who identifies as bisexual. We all have the base ability to be with either sex. As well, love and romantic attachment are separate from sex--you might be able to enjoy a fleeting moment of sexual satisfaction with someone of the same sex, but many people have no interest in that if they don't feel they can form a relationship. There are factors beyond primal sexual ones behind our selection of sexual partners. It's not because of some biological compulsion that I choose to have sex with my boyfriend or that a lesbian or bisexual woman chooses to have sex with a woman. So I have to agree with people who say that sexuality is fluid and that every woman has the ability to be sexually gratified by another woman, it's just a question of whether they feel comfortable doing so.

Male bisexuality, it seems to me anyway, is a very different issue. I can't speak as someone who has any real knowledge of the subject, but I don't think that the same sexual fluidity is universal in men. 

If anyone else has thoughts or disagrees I find this a very interesting topic to discuss.

Thanks :)  

I think that it shouldn't matter what your orientation choice is. You love who you love.. I personally identify with bisexual.. to me I chose that because I am attracted to both women and men, have had relationships with both, and if I was single would take in to consideration in dating either.. When it comes to dating I just try to find a person who I feel comfortable with, it doesn't matter to me if I'm snuggling up with my girl, or going to watch the game with my man :]I think its very ignorant and narrow minded to think that love is limited to a said gender or sexual choice..... Love doesn't care what sex you are or who you're having it with...just a thought...

-Amanda-

In today's society it actually shouldn't matter what people's sexual preference is.

I work with gay people of both sexes.  I'm fine with it.  There are times when a gay female is very agressive and it becomes more than something I can brush off, but apart from that, I'm pretty much ok with it.

I know that the reality is far from where it all should be, but those are the conditions we have to live under.  We just got to get on with things and do what we can.

Straight, Gay or Bi, it shouldn't make a difference.  As long as we do what we're meant to do and respect other people's values, then it's ok in my book.

Orla

Product Launch Manager

I may have no right to speak in this conversation--I prefer men. I've never been sexual with a woman. I have male and female friends of various sexual persuasions. One of my children is transgendered male to female and pre-op.

This post and the comments brought to mind my dear friend who passed away in 2006. She was by anyone's account a successful woman--a beloved clergymember respected by her colleagues, a published author,  and social justice activitist. She was a gifted artist that created beauty from textiles and papers. This woman gave me safe space to express my heart's desire. She was one of the most open-hearted people I ever knew. She held hope for humanity and the world is poorer for her not being in it now.

In spite of all the wonderful traits she possessed, she could not find the compassion she needed to have for herself. It was on her death bed that she told me what she could not tell others--that she was bi-sexual. She lived her whole life without being able to openly express this heart of who she was. To me that is a deep tragedy. I ached for her.

How many others have been stuffed into dark corners and closets by intolerance, arrogance, and ignorance? We are all cut from the same cloth; it doesn't matter what pattern we take, what shape and color we are.

R

Don’t mind the destination, don’t mind the end. Learn from the past, but grab hold of now. Now is always evolving. ~Rumi