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So any of you on Twitter or on the receiving end of a frantic email string (looking at YOU John) may have already seen this.
I quit my job on Friday.
OK, I guess I actually turned in my intent to quit, as I gave the standard two weeks notice, but still. Yeah.
No, I did not have another job lined up. No, I do not have interviews lined up. I barely have a current resume.
I hesitate to write this. I don't want to sound spoiled and
ungrateful, throwing away a steady paycheck and benefits, for no
reason, while there are people in my own backyard who would give an arm
and a leg for what I'm letting go.
Maybe this is a mistake. Maybe I'll regret this decision.
Maybe I'll wish I could go back in time, and stop my shaking hands and
wobbly voice from going into my boss's office and throwing all of this
away.
But I don't think that I will.
This is the right decision for me. For JS and I, together. I'm in
the very fortunate position of being able to make this decision. I'm
lucky enough to be OK, financially, to be unemployed for a while.
That's not to say that it'll be easy. I'm sure it won't be.
It's a choice I've been struggling with for a while now. The
unhappiness and stress from work pummeled me from every direction -
physically (I was losing weight and not able to sleep), emotionally
(getting snappy all the time, or crying over nothing), even spiritually
(cheesy, I know, but true - I was getting pissed off at God for where
my life was). I haven't been able to find the time or the emotional
energy to finish up my thesis, so I've let it drag on for MONTHS longer
than I had ever intended. I'm still way behind, even with all of the
extra time I've taken to work on it.
Most of all, though, I found myself falling into a pattern of
thinking and feeling that is usually followed by crippling depression:
feeling trapped, hopeless; thinking I may as well stop caring; thinking
that the world, in general, was out to get me... And if I've learned
one thing in all of my years of struggling with depression, it's that
if you can prevent yourself from getting depressed, YOU SHOULD DO IT.
It's much easier than trying to fix it once you're already knee deep in
it.
So in just two weeks, I'll join the ranks of the unemployed. Unlike
the millions of other Americans, I'm going willingly. My plan is to
finish my thesis - to have a draft of a novel that, while not perfect,
I can be proud of. Other than that, I'm just going where life leads
me. I'll look for jobs as an MFA graduate, hoping that more
opportunities will arise. I'm not really sure what the future holds,
and I'm OK with that. I'm actually very excited about it. The unknown.
The chance for a new beginning.
Tonks, of course, thinks that really, I should just focus on
becoming an expert Person Who Plays With Dogs, and/or a Dog Butt
Scratcher. Unless she offers me some dental insurance, though, I think
I'm going to have to turn her down.
