“writing about a writer's block is better than not writing at all” ― Charles Bukowski, The Last Night of the Earth Poems
I've been having trouble getting posts done for the last few days. It's gotten so bad that I can't even think of a good title for this post. I mean, I have been writing and have several posts with several sentences written and yet, nothing I feel ready to actually publish. Yesterday was a perfect day to blog about, and I started to, but it is still mostly incomplete. I can honestly reflect on the last several days and recognize that I haven't exactly had time to dedicate to writing, I mean it is the last week my kids have before going back to school and I've been hanging with them, my parents were in town and I have been juggling all of that, along with a new job that I love and other things I have both needed and wanted to do. I would love to tell you that it's been great. But I can't.
I have knots in my neck and a tension headache that has been persisting for days and I keep thinking that next week will be better. Another blogger who I really enjoy, Viola Cay, posted today about her kids putting things on 'pause', and how she has been putting her blog on pause. I related, but in a different way. I feel like my life is on pause since I have had a lot of other responsibilities and my stuff tends to be put aside. Even the things I normally get pleasure from seem like work. Does this happen to you? I keep thinking that next week when school begins and I have a little bit of time and the start of a routine again, I will find a panacea for this chaos that I'm experiencing. I am hoping that I will be able to write and tell you that I've gotten back to my Five Minutes to Me.
But if I'm being honest, and that is always my intention with this blog, I'm feeling overwhelmed. There is a lot of really good stuff going on around me and one of the best things has been finding outlets for expressing myself. But there is also some less than great stuff that I have to work through and this is the stuff that I would love to write about, but leaving myself vulnerable is scary, risky and not without consequence or judgment. And this, I believe, is a big part of the reason I haven't finished a post in days. They are personal, and they are really what I wanted this blog to be about... finding myself as a woman and how it relates to being a mom. And as a mom, sometimes my stuff just needs to wait- I don't always have the ability to just take care of my needs on my own schedule and by the time I can get to them, my courage is outweighed by my need to rest.