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Sparkle (1)
Last week Greta had a sore throat that wasn't going away, so we went to the doctor to get a strep test.
We've been at the doctor a lot this winter -- recurring sore throats that are sometimes strep, sometimes not. We have spent a lot of time sitting in the exam room, waiting for the results of the strep culture.
Greta was perched on the exam table; the thin paper covering crinkled as she fidgeted nervously. I was standing in front of her, rubbing her arms to comfort her, when I noticed the posters on the wall of the exam room. I've been staring at these posters a lot this winter, but for some reason this time I actually read them.
My eye wandered over bed-wetting, ADHD, eyesight problems and immunizations, when a little section in the lower right-hand corner caught my eye. Generalized Anxiety Disorder in Children and Teens. I felt a tightening in my gut, a reluctance to read what it said, because somewhere in my heart I knew.
"All children and adolescents experience some anxiety. It is a normal part of growing up. However, when worries and fears do not go away and interfere with a child or adolescent's usual activities, an anxiety disorder may be present. Children of parents with an anxiety disorder are more likely to have an anxiety disorder."
It went on to describe some of the symptoms:
- many worries about things before they happen
- many worries about friends, school, or activities
- constant thoughts and fears about safety of self and/or safety of parents
- frequent stomach aches, headaches, or other physical complaints
- muscle aches or tension
- sleep disturbance
- feeling as though there is a lump in the throat
- fatigue
Greta has been experiencing all of these symptoms, to varying degrees. Lately, though, some of them are getting worse.
She complains of muscle and joint aches in her heel and her knee, and uses these discomforts as reasons to try to avoid activities. She complains frequently about stomach aches and headaches, and recently she has been talking about a lump in her throat that "feels like it does before I throw up, but I don't need to throw up." She is full of "what-if" questions, and most of them are geared toward disaster scenarios. She has been having increased trouble falling asleep, because of fears and anxieties about scary monsters, school, activities, or what will happen if she misses the bus or forgets her homework.
Reading the poster, I could no longer deny what I knew in my heart was happening: She's struggling with anxiety.
My husband Steve and I have done a lot of research over the past few days. We are talking to her pediatrician and getting professional help with what I have discovered is a very common problem among young children and adolescents.
I have my own fears to conquer, too. Children with untreated anxiety have alarmingly high rates of substance abuse, eating disorders and self-destructive behaviors as they enter their teens and early adulthood. Greta has already been dealt a biological card which increases her risk for alcoholism; add anxiety to this mix and you create fertile ground for addiction.
Even more difficult to digest was all the information on children of alcoholics. Children of an active alcoholic are put at an increased risk for anxiety disorders, especially in their formative years, between the ages of 1 and 5.
I got sober just before Greta turned 5.
I started to fold in on myself, desperate to look away, to not see what I was reading. I did this to her, I started to think. She got alcoholism and anxiety from my genes, and my drinking in her formative years has made everything worse.
Immediately on the heels of this thought, though, came that gentle Inner Voice, the one that I don't control, who sounds a lot like me but who, somehow, isn't me.
You don't have that kind of power, Ellie, it whispered in my ear. Don't hijack this situation and make it all about you. If you lose yourself in regret and guilt you are of no use to anybody.
But I don't want to know this, I thought. I desperately want this not to be true.
Don't you see? it replied. You went through what you did and when you did so you could help her. You could have lived your whole life never understanding your own anxiety, drinking your way
