Yea! My Family Christmas Letter from 1998

This is the family Christmas letter that I published for 1998 .
You can see that not much has changed in nearly 9 years.
Special note of thanks to my step-mother for finding this, as I had completely forgot about it, so if you have any problems or trauma associated with this letter, blame her.
Ernest S. B. Boston

Dear Family and Friends, Friday, November 20, 1998

We have had a most interesting year at the Boston house. Well, we have moved around so much that I should really refer to them as mansions - trailer houses - jails - tents in the jungle.

The year started off fairly bleak. The bill collectors were so bad that my wife Tamie started robbing liquor and convenience stores just to try to make ends meet. Maybe it was a career move suggested by the evil bill collectors. I had been laid off and then was diagnosed with cancer. We went on welfare. During the middle of my medical ordeal, Tamie was arrested and thrown in jail but broke out, killing 129 people in the process. A special episode of 'America's Most Wanted' was dedicated to her, but I think they were a little unkind in their treatment. They can get Meryl Streep to play anyone for enough money.

After 5 weeks on chemo the doctors discovered I didn't have cancer but merely that the lab tests had been confused because of a wicked combination of a toothache, ingrown toe nail and cough medicine. My best friend and lawyer Tom sued their pants off and I got $140 million dollars. I then purchased several square miles of Costa Rica.

The next week I won the Texas lottery for $17 million and spent a month flying everywhere. I succeeded in achieving my boyhood dream of spending over 97.6% of the time of a complete month (February) suspended in the clouds. Talk about frequent-flyer-miles I have accumulated. (Or maybe that dream was from Haight-Ashbury).

I was suspected of drug trafficking and placed in jail but bought my way to freedom. It was eventually discovered that my body gives off a trace odor resembling heroin if I eat shrimp that have been cooked in butter and garlic. Now I understand why certain types of women are addicted to my charms.

Our children, I don't remember their names - I think they are boys but I am not sure – have been doing well according to the letters received from their reform school. I think we had 2 or 5 children but again the details seem to have skipped out of my brain. I remember the number of children is a prime number less than 17. I remember being in the prime of my life when we had the children.

Our lovely dog Madeline has recovered from her accidents that took off her front leg a few years ago. I helped develop a new medical process using recombinant DNA (secret ingredient is starfish) that allows limbs to grow back. It works on dogs, iguanas, chickens, mosquitoes, and humans. Madeline was the first trial animal that lived but we did give her too much and she suffers from the side effect that, once a limb has grown back, then more just keep coming. We just have to keep the extra legs snipped off when she goes in for her shampoo and trim. Oh, I almost forgot, they gave me a Nobel Prize for medicine for the limb invention. Another million dollars.

My computer blew up one day and severed 4 fingers. My best friend and lawyer Dick uncovered a bug in the Windows 95 operating system that caused the problem. We sued and won $37 billion and now have controlling interest in Microsoft Corporation. Have you ever heard of my company? We bought a bigger piece of Costa Rica. I should go there some time. I hear it is pretty. And there are monkeys.

I spent 3 months of the year helping in the new Steven Spielberg movie about me. It should release at the Christmas or April Fools weekend 1999. Fixing to buy the rest of Costa Rica.

Had a car accident and lost another 3 fingers. My best friend and lawyer Harry found a problem with the steering mechanism and now I own a nice chunk of Ford Motor Company. I am close to being "all thumbs". I can still play chopsticks on the piano but can't use them for eating lunch.

One night in June for 3 hours all our Beanie Babies (13) came alive and chased me through the neighborhood. It was very embarrassing, as they tore all my clothes off and the police found me crying, naked, bruised and bleeding in the park with all the inanimate beanie babies scattered all around me on the ground. I noted to the police officers that they were all in a "pounce" position ready to do me in. It was a rather trying time, especially trying to explain the bite marks to the doctor at the emergency room. I was lucky not to lose a finger. It was a good thing none of the tags came off any of the Beanie Babies, which would have lowered their value. I did have to send them to the dry cleaners to remove the grass, dirt and asphalt stains (and the flesh and blood stains from their mouths).

I have really been enjoying learning to cook. I can now do jello and sometimes pudding. I can do lots of different flavors of jello. Did you know it comes in lots of colors? It does not taste well with ketchup or mustard. I have heard of people putting fruit in jello. I tried putting an entire pineapple in jello, but didn't really like it. Maybe I chose the wrong flavor of jello. Whole apples weren't much better. If anyone out there reading this can send me a helpful hint on how to do jello with fruit (or vegetables or small furry woodland creatures), please call, write or e-mail.

Tamie (my wife) has been exonerated of her crimes just last week. It seems that her evil identical twin sister really master minded the whole thing and Tamie has been tied up in a cabin in the mountains of West Virginia the whole time. She survived "Papua New Guinea style" on a diet of sweet potatoes and diet A&W root beer. It is good to have her back especially as the dishes were starting to pile up pretty high.

My best friend and lawyer Sally really came through in my legal custody battle to get Meg Ryan declared as my adopted daughter. She gets to spend every other weekend with me. She is getting used to all the monkeys here in Costa Rica.

I have been pen-pals with Saddam Hussein (of Bagdhad, Iraq) for many years. I invited him over for a slumber party and he stayed for a whole week. We had a good time. He tried to keep himself disguised the whole time. He shaved off his mustache and wore a dress in public. We baked some cookies, too. And had tea in the afternoons. I later found out that he wasn't the leader of the country, as my wife suspected, but just a used car dealer by the same name. Oh well, he did make a good gingerbread cookie.

With my very busy life (taking care of all of Costa Rica can take a good 2 or 3 hours a day) I decided to get organized with my hobbies and be briefly intense. Hobbies must now come in pairs and last only for exactly one month. And they must rhyme so I can keep track of them. This month I am doing the tuba and scuba. I have written a tuba symphony "Getting a Handle on Underwater Music" inspired by my love of the reef. I nearly drowned performing it the first time. I need to keep a little distance between hobbies.

I am in traction as I dictate this last bit for you. I had a car wreck in my brand new Cadillac. It was only 45 minutes old off the show room floor when the wreck happened. My best friend and lawyer (I forget her name) has wonderfully sued Ford Motor Company. She pointed out that I was traumatized by the previous accident (in a Ford) and then started driving the General Motors product. According to the consumer report the Ford would have been the safer choice and I should have been driving one. I now own three and a half percent of Ford.

Oh, I did lose half my stock in Microsoft by playing poker. One hand. I'm just close to being all thumbs, I hear that's good in gardening.

Oh, yea, one more goodie: The Tyson Chicken people are really interested in growing chickens with extra legs! Amount undisclosed. Time to find more Central American real estate.

Happy Holi-"daze",

Ernie, Tamie, Madeline, Meg, the Monkeys, and the (?) boys

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