Yearning for What's Next

I can't decide whether to speak your name daily to refresh the air around me just as El Nino is doing out over the Pacific Ocean or whether I should play a game with myself to see how many days pass without me  talking about you to another.
It's an easy decision. I will think of you every day to reduce the distance between New York and Beijing and to help keep you strong. Perhaps most importantly I do this to feed and water your roots from afar.
Sometimes I wonder if you can see your future. I'm sure there  are bits and pieces of your personal puzzle that are starting to become clear. Your self realization is one of the highest highs in life: seeing an open canvas, sensing the power of a fresh approach to life, and feeling an absence of fear in the face of your own magic.
I believe in you. I know that you are strong emotionally, intellectually and physically.  My worry is more about me than you ... accepting your step outside the family and the community onto the planet earth to claim your space.


This is a journal entry from exactly 14 years ago when my 16 year set off for School Abroad in China during his junior year in high school. I wanted this experience for him and I dreaded it happening at the same time. My heart skips a beat today just in reading this because we were both on new terrain and this was joy and pain.

Most parents feel their seed is unique and in a biological sense that statement is true and consistent with nature. For me,  he could be distinguished from the pack because of a particular combination of inherent and adaptive skills that allowed him to process challenges and envelop circumstance.  In other words, for his age he was pretty comfortable in his own skin.  I felt that if he were able to access that feeling of comfort, there could be peace in the storms of life  that were to come generated by the winds, the sea and the earth's movements.

I continue to breath for my son although he is 30 years old today.  It is me who is now focused on the fertilization of his seed  for I am ready to love unconditionally again, this time as  a grandmother.

Can you relate to this yearning and what do you do to cope?  


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