Yes, I am angry

My PTSD is aflame.

However, a large part of me doesn’t want to talk about why it is aflame for the same reasons this survivor gives, “because it makes everyone else so visibly uncomfortable”. Once people know you have survived sex abuse as a child, particularly by a family member, they sometimes redefine you as just that. I don’t like that. It gives my molester even MORE influence over the way I live.

Thus, I hesitated about posting this. Nevertheless, I think the issue is enough in the public consciousness at this moment that now is the time to speak up.

A large part of the reason I believe Dylan Farrow when she says Woody Allen molested her is because I have been a child victim as well and I recognize her behavior as similar to my own. I was six. My mom believed me and confronted her youngest brother, still in his teens. He confessed and then cried and begged her not to tell my Dad, who we all assumed would beat the Sweet Jesus out of him. When my uncle (we’ll call him Scum) started crying I freaked out and begged my mom not to tell Daddy. I didn’t want Uncle Scum hurt. I, like many victims, loved my abuser for who they were when they weren’t molesting me. I wasn't thirsting for vengeance against him. I just wanted him to STOP.

I had no idea how it would change my life when I told the truth. I didn’t know Scum – who was my favorite uncle because he played dolls with me and told me I was pretty and paid extra attention to me after my brother was born – would stop “loving” me. I just thought he would stop hurting me when Mom told him not to. Just like a teacher would tell a kid to give you back your pencil if they took it. I had no idea how much shit would hit the fan.

I told the truth, and suddenly I wasn’t loved as much. Mom was still busy with a new baby, and I was still a lonely six year old girl whose favorite uncle now shunned her and emotionally punished her for ratting him out. If Scum had ever been left alone with me again, I would have probably have let him molest me again – even put myself in harms way -- just to get him to “love” me once more. I was a CHILD. I wanted to be LOVED. It would have just been the confused attempt of a little girl who was trying to figure out what SHE had done wrong by telling on him, but I am sure he would have seen this as a “seduction” on my part. You know how seductive six year old rape victims can be. He could have comforted himself that it wasn’t that bad and I secretly wanted it. That’s how they think.

A lot of child rapists are indignant that everyone acts like what s/he did was SO BAD when clearly the kid was coming on to HIM.

Also, after the shitstorm I would have just wanted to undo the damage I felt I had caused by telling the truth. I would have recanted if asked, just to make everything go back the way it was. The abuse, which did not involve vaginal or anal penetration, did not hurt as bad as the gaping wound in my soul where my uncle had stopped “loving” me. It didn’t hurt as bad as feeling like I had a gross secret. It didn’t hurt as bad as the embarrassment I felt trying to tell Mom what happened without really having to tell her what happened. I remember squirming in shame as I tried to find words that didn’t make me want to crawl in a hole and die.

In short, Dylan’s story rings true because I have fucking LIVED it and reacted the same damn way. Our behavior was similar because this is common behavior for victims. It’s how kid victims act.

And yes, we are “emotionally unstable” afterward. Surviving that shit literally alters our brain. Our molester will go about his happy life, untroubled and knowing his word will be believed over the victim because SHE isn’t HE, but those of us who were victimized will hurt forever. Yes, I’m “angry” and “vindictive” because it isn’t fucking fair he can scar me for LIFE but I and I alone will pay a price for his crimes. Those who love me are also angry on my behalf. If Scum were being given a public award you can bet your ass they would send out “nasty” tweets about him. Then they would be accused of being bitter and vindictive and living in the past as well.

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