Yesterday was Everything

Hi everyone, my name is Carol-Ann,  this is a story about the Loss of my beautiful l9 year old son Jordan.  It was l0 years ago June 13, 2002 that my life as I knew it, had ended and a new one began for me. I was ready for work going out the door and the phone rang, I remember the ringing so early in the morning and checking the area code, it said 780 which meant Alberta, Canada. I knew my son had already left Alberta on his way to Toronto to cut a CD in New York with his band Compromise, so I said "na, I won't pick it up I am late anyway" I got out into the hallway had just pushed the elevator button and a gutteral thought went through my mind, I went back into the house and they light was blinking to say there was a message, well I said at least there is a message, I picked up the phone hit *98 and heard this message "If you are Carol-Ann Jordan (maiden name) or Carol-Ann Wodehouse and if you have son named Jordan, he has been killed in an accident in Alabama" nothing else just that. I said talking to myself "is this true, it has to be, what should I do, call in sick" the stuff that goes through your head is just bedlam, "should I call my mother and put her on a busy highway after I told her grandson had just been killed"OF COURSE to all of the above but I didn't know where to start. I sat down in a chair and tried to sort out what I just heard, in fact I listened to it again just to make sure. I finally called my mom and said "Mom, Jordan is dead" and she said "how ,and are you sure, I will be right there", then I phoned my estranged husband in Edmonton and he was with the police as Jordan only had the id of his father on him, I might as well have been dead as well, no one called me, no police came to my door, oh yes I forgot "I did get a message that he was dead" as I spoke to Paul his first words out of his mouth were "Carol-Ann" and he said it in the way I always knew there was trouble and right then and there I knew my son had really been killed and he was dead, gone, never to come home again, I could not believe it, I had not even shed a tear I was in pure shock. There was a knock on my door and it was my mom, her face was white as a ghost, we stood there and she ask me if I had heard anything, I began to point to the phone and she listened to the message, she asked me if I had spoken with Paul and I knodded and she said "is he really gone" I started to cry and said "yes, what am I going to do" the only thing I ever had loved and he loved me without any conditons, unconditional love had been taken away by a drunk driver in the middle of the night, he had been killed, his body thrown up against the biggest tree in the Alabama State Forest, they said he died of multiple internal injuries within seconds of impact, which didn't help me one little bit. I wanted him back, I wanted to hold his hand, I wanted to give him a kiss and tell him how glad I was to see him, those words would never come out of my mouth again, he was gone. Gone, where I didn't really know I just knew I would never hold him again...."OH MY GOD" this cannot be happening. My family started to arrive and everyone just sorta sat around and all I wanted to do was go to Jordan where ever he was, help me somebody help me, I went into my bedroom and started to cry softly and then the tears just kept coming. My first reaction was to go to Edmonton, but they were all telling me not too, I just wanted to be with my "husband" and ask him questions, what was he wearing, did he tell you that he loved me, did you make sure he had his pillow, you see he had just left on this tour and he was going to stay with me in Ontario for a couple of years, now he wasn't going to do that, now he was dead, I just wanted answers, someone to comfort me, but there was no one, my son was always the one that comforted me when I really neaded it and now he was "Gone" there is that word again, gone, so final. Jordan was an awesome child, an only child, one that was giving and caring, he loved to be around his family, he loved his friends they mean't the world to him. I know I was a good mother, I brought him up to be an upstanding young man, who was l9 and didn't do drugs, drank or smoked, what else could you ask for, I kept thinking what could I have done any different so that he could still be alive, I kept saying not my son, no Jordan, what was I going to do without him, he was everything to me.    Life goes on but it is not a bowl of cherries, I often wonder where my beautiful boy is, I do believe in God but when he takes someone as perfect as Jordan you begin to think. After l0 years I do believe that I will see him again, he comes to me a lot in my dreams, and I love every moment of those dreams and I don't want to wake up as I know he will be not there.  Last year on July 4th my Mom passed away, she didn't suffer, she went the way she wanted to go, but three weeks before she died (sudden death) I was out visiting her, we had a tif like all mothers and daughters and then when my Mom passed my sister and brothers decided to blame me that her last weeks on earth were not quality as she had a fight with me, so I have not talked to my brothers or sister in over a year, so I am living with that sorrow as well. I miss my Mom very much she was my bestfriend. But I know for certain she is with Jordan and they are looking down on Paul and I, yes after all this Paul asked me back into his life as he said he could not do it without me and we are best friends now and living together for 10 years, we have are fights but we know life is way too short and wonder why people fight over silly little things and whole grudges, you know that say "Here today...Gond tomorroww" it is not a saying it is the truth. Don't ever leave anyone you love angry, always tell them how much you care and need them. I do everynight before I go to bed, I say goodnight to my Dad, Mom and Jordan and tell them how much I miss them.      God Speed thank you for reading this blog it means a lot 
 

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