You Aren't Crafty, You're Blessed

All I've ever wanted was to be a mommy. When my husband and I started trying for a baby in the summer of 2009 ,for some reason I had a nagging feeling it wasn't going to be easy. I had absolutly no reason to feel this way, no one had ever told me it might be hard to get pregnant - in fact quite the opposite. All you hear growing up is, "It only takes once." 

When I went off birth control I never got a period. Two months after going off the pill I went to see my gynocologist who after a few more months finally tested me after I went 180 days with no period. She confirmed what I had found in my research. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom, PCOS. I do not ovulate on my own. If you do not ovulate, you do not get pregnant. 

After 15 months of blood work, ultrasounds, outpatient surgery, 7 pills a day, the awful side of affects my body had with Clomid, the possiblity of a all but out of reach IVF process - we found out we were expecting a miracle. Those 15 months were incredibly difficult. I felt worthless and broken most of the time. I felt I was a falure as a woman and as a wife. I got to the point where seeing a pregnant lady at the store was enough to ruin my day. I'm so incredibly thankful it was only 15 months - I know a lot of women suffere much longer and sometimes forever. 

I now have what I so desperately prayed for. I do not forget that pain I felt though and I know that I might soon face that battle again when we try for our second biological child - a child that realistically may never find us.

The "I'm so crafty, I make people" picture is a bit of a painful one. When I saw it my first thought was, "Good for you" it felt so smug. It is an image that reminded me and still reminds me that I'm not what I am suppose to be. Even now that I have had a child it still feels like a, "haha I'm good at having babies and you aren't". I realize that isn't the intention of the picture, but to me it was hard to see. I know it is suppose to be cute, but to me it stung. I know that most women that haven't felt the nagging pain of infertility do not understand how much seeing stuff like that hurts and I don't expect them to. 

I suppose I just wish I was a bit more "crafty" and didn't have to rely on doctors, medicine and lots and lots of prayer to have my body do what it is suppose to do. I guess I just have to have a bit more supplies in my craft closet than most.



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