You Can't Force a Guy Into A Relationship

BlogHer Original Post

There is absolutely no way to make a man commit to a relationship to you, at least not any relationship that you actually want and in which you will be happy. The best part of being in a relationship is knowing that you're connected to someone who chose to be with you, of his/her own free will and with no reluctant sense of obligation. Who wants to be with someone who needs to be coerced or dragged along unwillingly?

I recently came across an article called “How To Make A Guy Who “Doesn’t Do Relationships” Commit To You In 12 Simple Steps”. You can’t possibly imagine the intensity of the cringe that took over me. What? My first question: Why would you want to make someone commit to you? My next question: Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who “doesn’t do relationships”? I found the title problematic, but I know that they can be misleading so I read further. It had a few hits, but way more misses.


Marilyn's Wedding
Image; nolas.agent via Flickr

When You Play Games, You Just Might Lose

“When he texts you, don’t text him back right away even though I know you are checking your phone every 30 seconds to see if he called or texted”

Texting has become the easiest form of communication for many of us with compatible phones and unlimited data/texting plans. We can shoot a few texts and have conversations while we may be busy doing other things; some text convos last all day long. Texting gives us time to think about what we want to say and articulate it in ways that best convey our feelings and points of view. This can be quite useful for avoiding arguments and preserving personal integrity, but it can also be manipulative and inauthentic.

Part of what makes face-to-face conversations so important is that we can read body language, sense tone, and be privy to immediate, instinctual responses. You don’t have the safety of a delay—you have to be you in the moment and that realness is what draws us to each other and connects us. Playing games with returning texts or phone calls sets up a boundary that hurts the relationship down the line. If you want to respond immediately to a text, do it! If a guy thinks you’re too eager or desperate because you responded immediately to his text, are you sure you want to be with him? Seems like a rather pointless judgment of your character.

Relationships Begin with Balance

"Waiting for the guy to make the first move is overrated, men like it when you make the first move because most of them don’t have the balls to do it anyway."

I agree that more women should initiate communication with men and feel no shame in pursuing men they’re interested in. Despite the “I-can’t-believe-people-still-think-this-way” idea that women who initiate romantic interactions with men are “desperate”, the tide is changing and more guys are opening up about wanting women to approach them. It can be intimidating for men, especially for those who have dealt with rejection from several women in the past. Since guys are pressured to keep trying to get women’s attention, the numbers game of attempts – rejections + successes = “I’m fed up with this shit!”, and I can’t blame the fellas.

"Furthermore, the current man of my dreams told me that he makes the girls come to him, thus, if I didn’t make the move- I would not be as happy as I am now."

Now wait… He makes girls come to him? That is just as bad, if you ask me. Relationships are about give-and-take, and that approach begins early on. Neither person can be all-or-nothing, so why accept it when a guy makes it clear that you need to do all of the work to get him? Weird.

It's Your Future, So Prepare For It

"I repeat DO NOT talk about the future unless he asks, males get freaked out by thinking that you might be the one vagina their penis will ever encounter, for the rest of their lives. If he asks about future plans, he likes you and you have succeeded."

The first date is no time to talk about when you plan to get married or how many children you plan to have and by what age, I agree. You should get to know a person before you begin discussing these types of plans, and you have to remain open to the idea that plans can and do often change. Your "Dream Wedding" Pinterest board, made before meeting Mr. Right, may change drastically because Mr. Right changes your entire world view through the love he has shown you.


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