You Don't Belong Here
It's funny how when you're a teenager, going through your awkward
phase decade, you think "I can't wait to be a little older. I'll be so much more confident when I'm older/in college/married." And then you get older/graduated/married and you still haven't shaken those feelings.
I don't think I'm the only one who still struggles with my insecurities. No matter where you are in life, whether you're a grandma, a new mom, a seasoned mother of many, we still have times when we have to shake off the criticisms from within and from others. You could be having a great day, really feeling like you're "getting it" and then one conversation, tantrum, or remark can completely crush your spirit. It's exhausting, constantly struggling to find a balance of accepting your flaws and loving yourself for how you've been created while still striving to be a better person.
In a little over three months, Jamie and I will be headed to New York City for BlogHer '12. I'm excited about being in that place, surrounded by so many incredible voices, soaking up everything I can.
But y'all? I'm scared to death. I'm scared of looking like a country bumpkin (I'm from Kentucky...rural Kentucky. The only Taxi we see is on TV Land. And a Subway? That's for sandwiches.). I'm nervous about being the little fish in a big pond of awesome. I'm anxious about not fitting in, not having a seat at the Cool Kids' lunch table. I'm worried that I'll do something stupid that will attract the wrong kind of attention, like I'll be wearing the "wrong" clothes or I'll trip and spill coffee on The Bloggess or something.
These are familiar feelings. I spent my middle school and high school years constantly trying to fit in and feelings like I would never measure up. I took on so many different personalities, thinking This One would surely be the one that would make everyone like me.
And why? That's not anything anyone has done to me -- that's just me, that's my stuff. I wasn't bullied mercilessly by vicious girls and horrible people in school. It was just me, my fears, my stuff, that quite honestly has a spiritual root. I don't feel worthy because I've forgotten that my Creator made me worthy.
Why should I be bothered by these issues now, about a blogging conference? No one has ever said "You're not good enough to go" or "You don't belong here." It's all me. It's the inner monologue, coming back to bite me.
Who knew? I really am powerful, because I've scared myself silly about an event that, while sure to be incredible, won't define who I am.
So enough. Enough with the insecurity. Be gone, feelings of worthlessness. You don't belong here.
What do you tell yourself when you feel insecure? How do you remind yourself that you have worth?